Off the Wal(cott)

Reverse bucket list

2011-12-20T10:17:00.000-07:00

I saw an article online where the author compiled a "reverse bucket list," or a list of things you never want to do before you die, and I thought it was a great idea. I'm sure you all know by now that I love making lists, so here's mine (subject to change):

1. Run a full marathon. A lot of people probably put this on a real bucket list, but it sounds like my nightmare.
2. Go skydiving. I've accepted my fear of heights and do not want to face it.
3. Visit Antarctica.
4. Resort to cannibalism because of a crazy disaster situation.
5. Give up carbs, caffeine, or sugar.
6. Go to Burning Man.
7. Couponing.
8. Be on a reality show.
9. Own a taxidermied animal.
10. Witness the miracle of childbirth. I just don't want to see that.
11. Become an Alaskan King Crab fisherman/woman.
12. Go to a country music concert. Exception: Dolly Parton, because she is awesome.
13. Climb Mount Everest. I am reading "Into Thin Air," and all the frozen dead bodies up there freaks me out.
14. Read any more books by James Joyce. I had to read Finnegans Wake, Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man, and Ulysses in college, and hated them. I know they are considered classics, but I had a hard time getting through them. Sidenote: James Joyce has an amazing full name: James Augustine Aloysius Joyce.
15. Live in a basement apartment. Again.
16. Take a picture of those stupid towel animals they put on your bed on cruise ships and put it on Facebook.
17. Go shopping at midnight on Black Friday.
18. Own a reptile, amphibian, or rodent as a pet.
19. Visit a third world country. Bonus item: take a picture of myself holding a malnourished child while visting the third world country.
20. Wait in line to buy something. iPhones are cool, you guys, but do you really need to wait in line to buy one?

What is on your list?

Holiday Shopping

2011-12-09T09:24:00.000-07:00

As the child of small business owners, I feel compelled to jump on the "buy local" bandwagon. It's something my dad has been preaching for quite a while; the license plate of his truck even says "LOCL1ST."

So, to help with your holiday shopping, I've assembled a list of some gift ideas that you can get at my favorite local stores here in Salt Lake City.

Gift idea: sunglasses
Image Eyes Optical, 2008 South 1100 East  Salt Lake City, UT
Matt and I get all of our glasses and sunglasses here. They have really unique styles, and the staff is always really helpful at selecting a frame that looks good on your face.

Gift idea: sewing machine, sewing classes, gift card
Nuttalls Sewing Center, 4742 S 900 E  Salt Lake City, UT
I was introduced to this store last year when Matt got me a new sewing machine for Christmas. Not only do they have a really great selection of sewing supplies and fabric, but their staff is really helpful and nice. I've had a couple bad experiences at a chain fabric store where the staff was really condescending and rude; I assume it is because I'm young. One time, a sales lady even suggested that I select an easier pattern. How would she know the level of my sewing ability!?! But, that won't happen at Nuttalls! They are always willing to help select a fabric and give advice about a particular pattern or problem you have with your sewing. Bonus: if you buy a sewing machine there, they give you free classes!

Gift idea: books, notebooks, unique stationary
Sam Weller's Bookstore, 254 S. Main Street, Salt Lake City, UT
As a librarian, one of my favorite things is introducing people to books I love. This is probably my favorite bookstore in the city, because of its location and selection. Bonus: there is a Coffee Garden kiosk inside, so you can get a tasty coffee while you're there. When I'm in Moab, I go to Arches Book Company. They have a good selection of local books, which I've given to my in-laws a couple times (they live in South Carolina and like the Utah-themed coffee table books), best sellers, and cool greeting cards.

Gift idea: gift certificate for a massage
Healing Mountain Massage School, 363 S 500 E #210  Salt Lake City, UT
This is a great gift for someone on a budget; you can get a one-hour massage for around $30. The students always do a great job, and the environment is really relaxing. Warning: once you get a massage, you will get addicted and want to get massaged all of the time.

Gift idea: mix CD
Graywhale, 208 S. 1300 E, SLC
This is a classic gift, in my opinion, and it's also good for someone on a budget. Did you know that you can buy MP3s from Graywhale's website? I just found this out! Sometimes the albums are cheaper than iTunes, too. You can buy the physical CD at their store, or be more modern and download the MP3s and put your playlist on a thumb drive (which you can buy at my parents' office supply store--shameless plug).

Gift idea: gourmet food basket (cheese, nuts, crackers, those big summer sausages, honey, jam, etc.)
Harmon's, 7755 South 700 East, Midvale, UT; other various locations in SLC area.
Harmon's is my favorite grocery store for one main reason: the cheese bar. The cheese bar in the Midvale store carries lots of different kinds of cheese, including cheese made by a local cheese company, Beehive Cheese Co, that is ridiculously good. My favorite is the apple walnut smoked cheese, with the rosemary cheddar and SeaHive (sea salt, honey, and cheese--holy crap this is good) coming in a close second and third. The staff will let you taste things and is really knowledgeable about the products. In fact, I bought the apple walnut cheese after one of their staff recommended it. This grocery store also has a good selection of olive oils, vinegars, nuts (Nutty Guys brand, another local company), as well as any other grocery item you might need.

Other good stores for assembling your food basket:
Liberty Heights Fresh, 1290 South 1100 East  Salt Lake City, UT.
I think they will even make the gift basket for you! They have really unique items, like fancy ketchups and chocolates and sodas. Some of their items are sort of pricey, but you will find things there you won't see in other stores. I heard a rumor that they have a $1,000 bottle of vinegar that is a billion years old or something like that.
Tony Caputo's, 314 West 300 South, Salt Lake City, UT
If you don't know this restaurant/market and you live in Salt Lake, you've probably been living under a rock. They have a great selection of cheeses, chocolates, pastas, jams, olive oils, vinegars, etc. I've always found the staff to be very helpful, too.
Bonus: while you're there, you can yourself a meatball sandwich.

Gift idea: food class
Tony Caputo's, 314 West 300 South, Salt Lake City, UT
While I'm on the topic of Caputo's... My sister's boyfriend's brother (are you with me?) gave them a chocolate tasting class one year for Christmas. I thought it was a genius idea. I want to take the intro to fine cheese tasting class. YUM!

Gift idea: Teapot, infuser, and teas
The Tea Grotto, 2030 S 900 E # 6  Salt Lake City, UT

When Matt and I lived in Sugarhouse, we would go to the Tea Grotto weekly to get their amazing green tea lattes. I like the almond flavor; Matt liked the plum. They have tons of different flavors of tea, and the staff is really knowledgeable. They also have some really unique and beautiful teapots for sale.

Gift Idea: booze
Epic Brewing Company, 825 South State Street  Salt Lake City, UT
High West Distillery, 703 Park Avenue  Park City, UT
Squatters, 147 West Broadway  Salt Lake City, UT
Matt's brother and sister-in-law gave him a case of bottled rootbeer for his birthday last year, and he declared it one of the best gifts he's received. We've since taken their lead and purchased beverages for people, like a case of local beer for Caitlin's boyfriend Christian for his birthday. Or, a single bottle of booze can be a great gift, especially if it's a more expensive bottle that the recipient wouldn't normally buy for himself/herself. I think you can get all of the brands listed above at Utah liquor stores, too. You could even pair your gift with some beer mugs or highball glasses.

Or, if you want to give the gift of office supplies, stop by my parents' store!

What are your favorite local stores?

So we're drinkin' drinkin' drinkin' drinkin' Coca coca cola

2011-12-06T12:25:00.000-07:00

I have tried to give up drinking Coke many times. I think my longest streak without a relapse was 10 days (wow, I sound like an alcoholic or drug addict). They say it takes about 18 tries for people to give up smoking, so I see my failed attempts at giving up Coke not as failures, but as events on the path of quitting. Right now I am currently on day 4 without any Coke.

I decided that this time, instead of saying "no Coke ever again," I'd allow myself to imbibe in the occasional soda. My original plan was to only drink it when I was at a restaurant, but I soon found myself eating out several times a week in order to get my fix. I think soda is okay in moderation, so I decided this time to allow myself to have a Coke every once in a while.

Here are some tips I have if you also want to stop drinking soda:

1. Find an alternative. Let's be honest, you don't always want to drink water. I really like Honest Tea's Pomegranate White Tea with Acai. It sounds snooty, but it's the right amount of sweet and healthy with lots of antioxidants. I also love their Half and Half, an Arnold Palmer. These are good options if you are like me and do not eat/drink anything with artificial sweetener (aside from the scant amounts of swallowed toothpaste). If you like iced tea, that also makes a good substitute.

2. Do not watch Coke commercials. A couple years ago there was a commercial that just showed a Coke being poured into a frosty glass. It killed me.

3. Eat really delicious food and savor each bite. If your meal is really flavorful and tasty, you won't really miss Coke that much.

4. If you work in an office with vending machines, leave all cash and change at home. If you need change for parking, leave it in your car.

5. Get the rest of your household on board, and don't keep soda in the house. Matt stopped drinking soda a couple years ago, so we rarely have it in the house. If I have a soda, he will sometimes have a drink of mine. He claims that one drink satiates his craving. I think he's crazy.

6. Don't eat fast food. The value meals come with a soda, which makes it really hard to say "no."

7. Look at the numbers. If I spend $1.25 a day (the price of a Coke in the work vending machine), that adds up to $325 a year. And some days, I had two or three sodas a day.

8. Think of your body. You will probably lose weight by giving up soda.

9. Stay busy. On my busiest days at work I don't have time to get a Coke, and I don't even notice that I haven't had one.

10. Get some cheerleaders. Matt is pretty good at keeping me from falling off the wagon. Make sure you tell your loudest and most aggressive friends, because they'll be the ones who say, "I thought you were giving up soda..?"

Good luck!

Life's too short to watch bad movies

2011-11-04T08:54:00.000-06:00

I used to think I had to finish everything I started, including bad books and movies. But recently, I decided that if I don't like something, I don't have to finish it. Time is a luxury I don't always have, so I choose to spend it wisely.

Here are a few movies I stopped watching after 15-40 minutes (you may notice a trend with these; I'm not the biggest fan of chick flicks):
The Backup Plan
Eclipse
The Bounty Hunter
Life As We Know It
The Ugly Truth

Two of those movies star Katherine Heigl. Her characters seem to always irritate me. They're usually clumsy and socially dumb and she always has this bewildered/goofy/golden retreiver look on her face.

If the character is successful and attractive, she also has to be socially retarded and get into ridiculous situations. It's like the female version of every Ben Stiller character. Examples: Katherine Heigl's characters in "The Ugly Truth" and "27 Dresses," Mandy Moore's character in "Because I Said So," J-Lo in "The Wedding Planner," Sandra Bullock in "The Proposal" and "While You Were Sleeping," Amy Adams in "Leap Year," etc.

While I'm on the topic of Katherine Heigl, she is set to star in "One for the Money," an adaptation of Janet Evanovich's book by the same name. I'm a Janet E. fan, having read the first few books in the Stephanie Plum series, but I would not have chosen Heigl for the role of Stephanie. For those who've read the series, here is my dream cast:

Stephanie Plum: Mary McCormack

Mary McCormack is probably about 10 years too old for this role (but I think she could totally pass for a 30-something), but she's the person I picture in my head when reading these books. She seems ballsy but also attractive and girl-next-door-ish. For some reason I thought the character Stephanie was blonde, but Wikipedia is telling me otherwise.

Joe Morelli: Adam Rodriguez

I know Morelli is supposed to be Italian, but I see him as "guy from CSI: Miami" (that's what I Googled to find his name/picture).

Lula: Yvette Nicole Brown

The movie has Sherrie Shepherd in this role, and I think she'll probably do a pretty good job. But, every time I watch "Community," I think Yvette Nicole Brown could play just the right amount of crazy as the prostitute-turned office worker, Lula.

Grandma Mazur: Ann Morgan Guilbert

I had to make sure she was still alive before I suggested this actress. Remember the sitcom "The Nanny"? The character of Grandma Yetta was nearly identical to Grandma Mazur. It's a role Betty White is also thrust into--sweet and crazy Grandma who sometimes makes inappropriate comments. Note: this is how I will dress when I'm old. Bring on the bling!

Vinnie: a short, fat, Italian actor

I can't think of the name of the guy I'd cast as Vinnie, but he'd look nothing like the guy actually starring in the movie.

I guess I really went off on a tangent, but now you know my true feelings about chick flicks and the cast of "One for the Money." Now the cast of "Hunger Games," that's another story.

Were these people conscious in the 90s?

2011-10-26T10:30:00.000-06:00

I take 90s music seriously, and have noticed some glaring omissions on VH1's list of 100 Greatest Songs of the 1990s.

While I may not be a music expert, some of the songs I remember best from that decade weren't even listed! Here are my additions:

Boyz II Men - Water Runs Dry, Motownphilly, or End of the Road
Boyz II Men and Mariah Carey - One Sweet Day (This one baffles me)
Cardigans - Lovefool (I owned every Cardigans album)

Janet Jackson - That's the Way Love Goes, If, Together Again, anything really. Janet was still big in the 90s.
NKOTB - Step by Step
The Verve - Bitter Sweet Symphony
Bush - Everything Zen
Madonna - Take a Bow, Ray of Light
Blind Melon - No Rain
No Doubt - Spiderwebs, Just a Girl
R. Kelly - Bump n' Grind, I Believe I Can Fly
Foo Fighters - Big Me (you all remember the Mentos-inspired video), Everlong (my wedding song), or My Hero
Chumbawamba - Tubthumping
Smashing Pumpkins - 1979, Disarm, Tonight Tonight, or Bullet With Butterfly Wings
Blink 182 - All the Small Things
Savage Garden - I Want You, Truly Madly Deeply (this is for Caitlin)
Lauryn Hill - Doo Wop (That Thing)
Snoop - Gin n' Juice
Nine Inch Nails - Closer
Garbage - I'm Only Happy When it Rains, Stupid Girl
Aerosmith - Cryin', Crazy, I Don't Wanna Miss a Thing (It also surprises me that this one wasn't listed)
Bone Thugs-n-Harmony - Crossroads
Michael Jackson and Janet Jackson - Scream
Mariah Carey - Fantasy

and last but not least...
Guns N' Roses - November Rain

WTF, VH1?

Awesome Takes Practice!

2011-10-21T09:02:00.000-06:00

Matt's work had a book drive recently, and someone donated this gem: Anybody Can Be Cool...But Awesome Takes Practice. He and his coworker had a good laugh at the book's daily affirmations and the wannabe Zack Morris guy on the cover. When he pulled up the book on Amazon to show me, I nearly died when I saw the amazing reviews. This one is my favorite:

"For years, I struggled with meager coolness until I read this book. Now with my new-found knowledge and my "I am awesome" shirt, all the ladies want to get with me. It may look like they're just laughing and pointing, but I know that they truly find me irresistible. Since I've modeled my hair and clothes from the book cover, everyone thinks I'm Zack from Saved by the Bell. It just doesn't get anymore awesome than that. Oh yeah"

The book sounds like something a teenaged Barney Stinson would read and put into practice. To quote Barney, "When I get sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead. True story." While Barney's statements may sound superficial, I think they are great reminders of how you should focus on your positive qualities, and try to be ~~your best~~ awesome.

I was astounded that someone would want to get rid of such an amazing cultural object, but then again I've been known to hoard strange books. Some people collect stamps or coins. I collect weird books. I am the proud owner of the following:

Official Guide to Disco Dance Steps
<--- A Michael Jackson picture book for children (Thanks, Aunt Claudia!)
A book about how to talk to your LDS teens about sex

Basketball for Girls, a very sexist book written in the 50s. In case you didn't know, girls can be ballers too! All of the illustrations show girls in skirts shooting hoops.

My Aunt Claudia also gave my mom an amazing book with a weird and insensitive title that I can't remember. It was either "My retarded brother" or "My brother is retarded."

For other great books, check out this site: http://awfullibrarybooks.net

My favorite past time: yelling at children

2011-09-14T18:54:00.003-06:00

I've often wondered why my family thinks I hate children. I love spending time with my nieces, once worked as an English tutor for second graders, and I studied to be a children's librarian. I know stories, songs, craft projects, and all of the major AND minor plot-lines from the Harry Potter books. Kids generally like me. Maybe it's because I'm sort of child-like myself. I love a good jump on the trampoline or run through the sprinklers, and own several pairs of brightly-colored sneakers.

Then, I had a stunning revelation. I yell at children who misbehave in public.

Allow me to share two stories. The first story takes place last summer, when my family came up for the Chalk Art Festival. If you haven't been, I highly recommend it. Artists spend hours drawing on the pavement in Gateway Mall, and people pay to vote on the best drawings as a fundraiser for the local foster care system. Here is one of the drawings:

At the event last year, a couple of unruly children kept running around playing grab-ass, stepping all over the drawings. I promptly scolded them, saying "You need to stop stepping on these drawings. People worked really hard on them." My family thought it was ridiculous that I said anything, but I would do it again in a second.

The most recent encounter was last weekend. Matt and I were playing tennis in one of the local parks, and a group of about eight children kept skate boarding, scooting (or another appropriate verb for riding on a scooter), and running ON THE FREAKING TENNIS COURT. My first instinct was to hit balls straight at their heads to make them go away, but I opted for the more tactful approach of nicely asking them to leave. I sweetly said, "Can you please skate somewhere else? We are trying to use this court to play tennis."

Problem solved? NO. Those little bastards kept skating around the edge of the court, and when they thought I wasn't looking, on the court. A man and his father (or a random kind old gentleman) were on the adjacent court teaching a young boy (son/grandson) to serve, and they were clearly bothered by the juvenile delinquents also. The man said, "Please don't skate here," but they still did not leave. In the meantime, I was getting more and more angry.

It was at that moment when I decided to go with my first plan of hitting them with balls. Before you judge me, please consider the impact of a tennis ball ~~furiously~~ lightly hit at a child. It wouldn't hurt very much, and likely wouldn't cause a concussion or the need for stitches, and it would look like an accident. Plus, they deserved it.

However, I underestimated Matt's ability to return my hits. The kids were right behind him, and when I sent some balls in their direction, he reached out his racket and returned the hits. This only added to my rage. After a couple more semi-polite comments to the kids (during which my voice got progressively louder and louder), I stopped in my tracks and looked the ringleader of the group straight in the eye and ~~shouted~~ said loudly, "You are being very rude right now. We are trying to play tennis. This is a tennis court, not a place to skate. You need to find somewhere else to go. NOW." Then I just stared at him with crazy eyes. I am taking some creative liberties here, because I can't remember exactly what I said. It's possible I was in a rage blackout.

Luckily, someone got video footage of my angry outburst.

It worked! The little demons went to the next court (separated by a fence) to terrorize four women playing a game of doubles...who also happened to be their mothers...who were right there the whole time, and did nothing.

Matt told me later that he was scared I would start a fight with the parents and he'd get his ass beat by the extremely large dads, who were grilling meats nearby. Maybe that is why he was playing so well, desperately running and diving for the balls I was aiming at the kids.

Moral of the story: I can use the tactic of fear to get Matt to improve his tennis game.

My new job: more than you probably want to know

2011-08-25T06:49:00.001-06:00

Three weeks ago my life was easy. I had a job I understood and was good at, a little group of friends to go to lunch with, and a ten minute commute. Then, I decided to throw a wrench in things and take a new job in an industry I know nothing about --natural gas pipelines.

If you think a librarian has no business working with a bunch of engineers, you are wrong. Every business has data, and it is a librarian's job to organize it and make it accessible. Without revealing too many details, here is the scope of my project: the company has boxes of documents that are somewhat organized but not digitized. Currently, if you want a document, you go to the archives group and they can locate the box your document is in (hopefully), then you have to sort through files of papers to find it. Eventually, the goal is to scan these documents and put them into some sort of content management system, so users can use search criteria to find a digital version of the document.

So far, the hardest part of this transition (other than waking up an hour earlier) is the cultural change. On my first day, I tried to open my Gmail account to read a work-related article I had emailed myself, only to find the site is blocked. It is also interesting to be one of the youngest employees, as I couldn't contribute much to a conversation about colonoscopies (Me: Yeah, it's important to get those things...").

I am an independent contractor, not a permanent employee, so I often feel like the red-headed step child. The thing I'm most jealous about is the on-site gym the permanent employees are allowed to use. I have to keep telling myself that it isn't personal, and have to remind myself of the benefits of my situation.

Though today is only my 4th day of work, I do think this is the most challenging thing I've ever embarked on, including graduate school. The majority of the people on my team have a PhD, so I'm hoping I can learn from them. It's sort of like playing tennis; the best way to get better is to play against someone who is better than you....right?

Food blog!

2011-01-05T18:27:00.000-07:00

Caitlin and I now have a blog dedicated to our cooking adventures. Check it out, friends!

Julie and Julia and me

2010-12-29T09:17:00.000-07:00

Since now is the time for resolutions, it's time I share mine. The majority of resolutions probably have to do something with exercising or losing weight, but I'm going to go another direction. While I do have the desire to be healthier and will make an effort to exercise more, Caitlin and I have decided to each make 100 recipes in 2011, and blog about them. I'm already a step ahead of Caitlin, since I have a blog. Maybe we'll start a new one together--depends on how motivated I feel.

This goal will help me in three ways:
1. I will eat at home more often instead of going out to eat.
2. I will hone my cooking skills to an Iron Chef-like ability.
3. It will encourage me to blog more often, instead of having month-long gaps.
4. I will fatten-up Matt so the hot girls in his office won't flirt with him. (Kidding! Sort of.)

In order to make this easy on myself, I'm not really setting any rules. Caitlin made the executive decision that drink recipes should also be allowed (she's a boozer). Let's see how long it is before the inevitable happens and I, like the rest of the nation, forget about my resolution.

Craft Inspiration

2010-12-27T11:15:00.000-07:00

I hope everyone out there in blog land had a wonderful Christmas/Hanukkah/Festivus/whatever. I know I did, partially because Matt gave me the awesome gift of a new sewing machine that also does embroidery! I am very excited to start some new crafts. First up are some new throw pillows for our couch. I re-covered the pillows that came with the couch, but no longer like that fabric. So, here are some pillows that I like and can hopefully replicate somehow (but in other colors). If you can't tell, my style is very granny.

Stupid baby names

2010-12-09T16:27:00.001-07:00

Disclaimer: I am positive this post will offend someone, mostly because some of the offenders I refer to are my family members.

I've had a lot of friends ~~get knocked up~~ conceive lately, and would like to take the time to offer up some unsolicited advice about baby names. Don't pick something stupid. In Utah it is common to take a normal spelling of a name, and mess it up until it is barely recognizable. Ex: Dystini (pronounced Destiny), Naive (pronounced Navy). It's nice to be creative, but let's take it down a notch.

An acquaintance of mine gave her baby the middle name "Draco," after Draco Malfoy, a character in the Harry Potter novels. While I'm all for promoting literacy through baby names, it was a bit weird to me.

Another person I know (who I'm sure doesn't read this blog, but if she does maybe she'll benefit from this post) recently asked her Facebook friends for name suggestions for her growing fetus. Her friends suggested the following names, and they were NOT joking: Stone, Blaze, Blaize, Stetson, Tink (for a girl), Kode (Cody). I shared this with a friend, and she said I should suggest "Turd," to see the response.

Instead, I came up with this list of names: Calypso, Coolio, Scooby, Hagrid, Cletus, Rasputin, Wrangler, Adolph, Cougar, Apostrophe, Jägermeister, Chastitee, Matrix, Areola, Rambo.

Feel free to use these names for your future children! I am also very skilled at coming up with pet names. My future cat will be named "Noodles" or "Newton" (Noodles if it's a girl, Newton if it's a boy).

Here's my last bit of advice. Take your potential baby name and insert it into the following sentences to see which one works better. Don't pick a name unless it works with Sentence A, unless you are absolutely sure your baby will be an NFL player. In that case, any name goes. Ex: Plaxico, Champ, JaMarcus, D’Brickashaw, etc.

Sentence A:
"All arise! The honorable Judge **insert name** presiding."

Sentence B:
"Get your dollars ready, men! Now taking the main stage, our newest dancer, **insert name**."

I think "Tink" and "Blaize" both sound better in sentence B.

SBUX Frustration

2010-12-01T15:34:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, a couple coworkers and I went to Starbucks. I've recently discovered the salty-sweet combo of salted caramels, and wanted it in latte form. Easy enough, I thought. Starbucks always has those ingredients on hand, right? Little did I know I would be stepping into a modern day version of an Abbott and Costello skit, where everyone would be confused and no one would understand what I am talking about.

Me: Can I get a grande salted caramel latte?
Starbucks employee: What?
Me: A grande salted caramel latte? Do you have that here?
Starbucks employee. No. We have a salted caramel hot chocolate and a salted caramel mocha.
Me: Okay, but you do have the ingredients for a salted caramel latte, right?
Employee: (asks manager) Can we do a salted caramel latte? We don't have that on the menu.
Manager: (to me) We have a salted caramel hot chocolate and a salted caramel mocha.
Me: Okay. Can you just put salt and caramel in a latte?
(Employee and Manager look at each other in confusion)
Manager: Do you want coffee in it?
Me: Yes. Espresso, steamed milk, caramel, salt.
Manager: Salted caramel mocha?
Me: I don't want chocolate in it.
(Awkward pause)
Me: Okay, can I get a salted caramel mocha WITHOUT the mocha?
Employee: Sure!

Word of the day

2010-11-30T15:03:00.000-07:00

Because we live in Utah, we see missionaries everywhere. So, Matt invented this new word for a missionary: "proselytute" (proselytize + prostitute). Pretty clever!

Let it snow!

2010-11-21T11:46:00.001-07:00

I think I may have an undiscovered disease in which I laugh at inappropriate things. Last night we got the first big snow storm of the season, which spawned an impromptu snowball fight in the parking lot of Barnes and Noble with the nieces. Adi (4), was sitting on her dad's shoulders, and Matt tried to hit her in the stomach with a snowball, but ended up hitting her square in the face. And I laughed, and laughed.

Is it normal to laugh when an adult man hits a four-year-old in the face with a snowball? Probably not.

Wisdom, in dream form

2010-11-11T16:24:00.000-07:00

In a dream last night, I said to Matt, "Of course life isn't fair! Why else has there been a billion seasons of Dancing With the Stars and only 2 1/2 seasons of Chappelle's Show? It's because life isn't fair."

I think my most wise and insightful quotes have all been in dreams, and not in real life.

I hate mayo

2010-10-20T12:11:00.000-06:00

I haven't blogged in a very long time, so I thought I'd post about something that is very important to me: my hatred of mayonnaise. People think I am weird for eating deli sandwiches dry--with no condiments whatsoever--but I'm stickin' to my guns. Mayo was created by Satan himself, and the idea of consuming it makes me dry heave.
This is how mayo makes me feel:

Last night at the Real Salt Lake game, my friend Tiff tried to convince me to eat an ear of corn that had been slathered in mayo then sprinkled with some mysterious red powder (Chili powder? Paprika? Strange Mexican cocaine?). I refused, even when she put it two inches away from my face. Instead, I chose a different Mexican treat--a churro.

I think my cooking idol, Paula Deen, would be really disappointed in me for hating mayo, but I've given it a fair chance. I taste it every couple years, and have never gotten over my aversion to it. Are there any foods you hate?

Recipe Round-up

2010-08-05T12:23:00.005-06:00

Cooking is a relatively new hobby of mine. This probably surprises the family members who read this blog, because I have had quite a few cooking mishaps in my life and didn't cook much until the past couple years. Luckily, I was born into a family of fantastic cooks, so I have many people to call with my questions. This list includes my sister Caitlin who wants to go to culinary school for pastry arts. She is the biggest foodie I know, and her knowledge comes in handy because she can answer my questions about weird ingredients, and knows a lot about different coffees and cheeses (among other things). She's also down for trying weird food combos, and is what I call an adventurous eater.

My mom is also a wonderful cook, but she often cooks without recipes, and her measurements are usually "some," "a little bit," "a handful," etc. Cooking is like a weird instinct for her, and she always seems to know what flavors go together. She also has a gift for picking out good recipes (she did not inherit that trait from her mother, but that's a topic for another post). Lucky for me, she has a HUGE sweet tooth. She makes homemade caramel, fudge, and marshmallows each year for Christmas, and we devour them the second we get to my parents' house. She's the best person to go to when I don't understand a direction, or if I don't have a particular tool or ingredient. She also knows all these crazy substitutions for things, which comes in handy because I don't always have a fully-stocked kitchen.

A few people have asked that I share recipes that I've found on the 'net. Here are a few I've tried and enjoyed. (**NOTE: I do not claim to be a healthy eater/chef, and reserve the right to cook with the following: butter, bacon, cream, sugar, cheese, etc.)

Corn and Keilbasa Chowder
(from Rachael Ray Magazine)

Caitlin found this recipe and shared it with my mom who shared it with me. I did make a few changes though:
I only used about 1/2-3/4 c. of onions. Two onions seemed like way too much.
Though this was a Rachael Ray recipe, I added an additional teaspoon of butter to the onions while they were cooking in homage to Paula Deen.
I omitted the step that says "puree 1 cup chowder until smooth," because I couldn't find the top to my food processor.
I added 1 tsp. of jarred garlic (jarlic), per Caitlin's request.
I used about 12 ounces of keilbasa instead of 8.
Caitlin sprinkled some shredded cheddar on top of hers, and my mom used evaporated milk instead of cream. Both versions were tasty.

Chicken Empanadas
(Paula Deen)

The first time I made this recipe I followed the directions exactly as written. I've made it several times since, a bit different each time. For starters, I used puff pastry instead of the pre-made pie crust, and just rolled it a little thinner. Puff pastry was a good choice, because it made a nice flaky crust. The original recipe wasn't spicy enough for my liking, so in the second incarnation I added some cayenne and green chilies. Another time I added green onions and a can of the diced tomatoes with green chilies. Also, mine were squares instead of half-circles.

Quinoa Fried Rice
(Gina's WW recipes)

After the past two recipes, it's time for a healthy recipe, right? I don't do Weight Watchers, but this website has some tasty meals that even unhealthy eaters will love. I want to try her stuffed zucchini, the avocado mango salsa, the Asian turkey meatballs, and lots of others! Matt had a gluten-free diet for a while, so we ate a lot of quinoa. I made it several ways, but his favorites were the "fried rice" version and a southwest version (listed below). For the fried-rice style quinoa, I made it the same as the recipe, but omitted the fish oil because I didn't have any on hand, and added peas.

Southwest Quinoa

I made this one up on my own, believe it or not! I am not great at writing recipes, so bear with me. You can also substitute rice for the quinoa if you want, but it isn't as healthy.
4 servings of quinoa, cooked per package instructions (I cook mine in broth instead of water for extra flavoring)
stir in the following:
1 can of diced tomatoes with green chilies
1 can of black beans, drained
3 chopped green onions
1 diced avocado
1 squeeze of lime juice

Perfect Pound Cake
(Ree Drumond aka The Pioneer Woman)

I didn't make this recipe, but I ate it, which should count for something. My mom made it a few months ago, and rumor has it she is making it again this weekend. It was THE BEST pound cake I've ever had! Give it a try; you won't be disappointed.

What am I making tonight? I have no idea. Caitlin had the idea to make my grandma's famous plum cake (today would have been her birthday), which contains jarred plum baby food. It sounds weird, but it's very tasty.

What are your favorite recipes?

Quote of the day

2010-08-04T14:59:00.002-06:00

My coworker, during a discussion on the sanctity of marriage:

"The only good thing about that [polygamy] is polygamists are ugly people anyway, so no one is missing out."

Welcome home, loser. Can you leave again?

2010-07-31T12:30:00.003-06:00

I've been in San Diego for the past five days at a conference for work. I thought Matt would at least feign happiness when seeing me, but apparently he loved his bachelor days.

Me: I still slept on my side of the bed, even though you weren't there.
Matt: I slept in the middle of the bed. It was awesome! I've never slept better. I used your pillows, too.

Me: Ugh, I am at my all-time highest weight. Time to start going to the gym again.
Matt: I've lost 41 pounds! And I haven't even been working out!

Matt: (While hugging my pillow) Goodbye soft pillow. Goodbye bachelor life.

Listomania

2010-06-23T15:11:00.002-06:00

Once upon a time I made a goal of reading all the books on The Modern Library's list of 100 Best Novels of All Time. Then, I realized that the list doesn't contain many of the books I consider to be the best novels of all time (To Kill a Mockingbird, The Outsiders, Their Eyes Were Watching God, Beloved, The Color Purple, etc.). Some of those books are on the "Reader's Picks" list, as well as some other authors that were overlooked by the Modern Library's Board, such as Ayn Rand.

What do all of those excluded books have in common? They were all written by women! Is the board sexist? I think so. J.K. Rowling at least deserves an honorable mention! Jane Austin and the Bronte sisters are missing from the list because it only includes books published after 1900. But, I find it hard to believe that some of the others aren't included.

I also have a beef with Rolling Stone's list of The 500 Greatest Songs of All Time . They put Tiny Dancer as number 397, and I think it clearly belongs in the top 10.

Note to all listmakers: please consult me first, because you are probably wrong.

He's in touch with his feminine side

2010-06-22T13:58:00.004-06:00

While shopping, Matt not only found some cute pants for me, but found the right size and a pair that was on sale. I was very happy, because a lot of men aren't good shoppers and he was being a great sport. Then, something happened...
(a song starts playing)
Matt: Ooohh!! It's Madonna! (starts bobbing his head) Borderline! Wait a second, it's "Open Your Heart." I know! It's the Glee cast singing Madonna! It's a remix!
Me: I think you mean "mash-up."
Matt: Yeah, it's a mash-up!

Do I need to take him to some sort of sporting event?

Writer's block!

2010-05-28T15:12:00.003-06:00

I've been trying to plan my next speech all week, with no success. Topics that are apparently off-limits at Toastmasters include making fun of the following: eating disorders, abortions, domestic violence, substance abuse.

What am I going to talk about??!?!?

Toastmistress

2010-05-25T13:24:00.005-06:00

Back in February I joined Toastmasters, an international club that helps people become better public speakers. Today, I finally did my first speech, the "Ice Breakers" speech. The only purpose of the Ice Breakers speech is to introduce yourself and begin speaking in front of an audience. I thought I was going to kill it, but there were a few awkward moments when no one laughed at my jokes. Overall, I give myself a B. Here's my speech:

Fellow Toastmasters and Distinguished guests,

My name is Brianna, and I am a nerd. I was destined to be a nerd because I was born on one of the nerdiest possible days, March 14, 1984. It is the day that would have been the Albert Einstein’s 105th birthday, which is also known as “Pi day” to math geeks everywhere, because the date is 3.14. And though there are many nerdy things about me, perhaps the most distinctive is the fact that I am a word nerd.

My love of words goes back to when I started my first journal at the age of five. From that age it was clear that I was a phonetic genius, writing about my “rood mom” --rude spelled R-O-O-D-- and my dog Daisy--spelled D-A-Z-Y.

Or perhaps my parents are to credit for my word-nerdiness. In our household we had a list of forbidden words: kill, die, and hate. When fighting with my brother I wasn’t allowed to say “I want to kill you,” or “I hate you.” But, “you’re a dingleberry/wildebeest/hemorrhoid/vomit face“ was perfectly acceptable. By putting limitations on my vocabulary, my parents forced us to be more creative with our insults.

And these insults often found their way into the pages of my journal. When I was five I wrote about my cute puppy and adorable baby sister, but when I was 13, I wrote about my stinky old dog that needed walked and bathed, and my stupid, annoying, bratty little sister.

By the time I got to high school, my little sister was no longer stupid and annoying—those terms were reserved for my parents. It’s a story you’ve all heard before; like the typical teen, I wanted a later curfew, fewer chores, and I didn’t want to drive my younger siblings to school. But I wasn’t a typical teen. What my journal didn’t say was that I started a reading club in the school’s library, was the captain of the Math Bowl team, and attended a writing workshop with middle-aged hippie women in the desert. Needless to say, my phone wasn’t ringing off the hook with invitations to the prom. But, the pages in my journal were filling up.

It was only natural that when I went to college I would pick a major related to writing. I majored in English at Westminster College, but at that point in my life I didn’t have a lot of time for writing in a journal—I had bigger priorities in life, like learning how to take tequila shots and attempting to get into frat parties at the U. But, I did submit a short story to a literature conference in a desperate attempt to meet the keynote speaker, Kurt Vonnegut Jr. So, I created a story inspired by one of my friends' childhood stories. It was about a little girl who got the flu and stuffed toilet paper up her nose to keep it from running. In my story, when the girl bent down to sniff a scented candle, the toilet paper caught on fire and burned off her nose and she had to get a prosthetic nose. I thought it was a fine display of black humor, and it even got a few laughs. And when I say “a few,” I mean one or two laughs. Regardless, Kurt Vonnegut ended up canceling, but I did get to meet Norman Mailer. For those of you who don’t know, they’re both dead now.

But my writing career did not end there. While I was in college I worked for the Salt Lake Tribune as a newsroom assistant, a job title also known as “secretary,” “office slave” or “resident scapegoat.” One day the newspaper was short on freelance writers, so I volunteered for the job and wrote a story about grills. No, I’m not referring to the charcoal or gas-powered cooking appliances; I’m talking about diamond encrusted mouthpieces worn by rap musicians. I know you’re probably thinking there is no possible way my journalism career could have gotten any better. But you’re wrong.

The high point in my career was when I got my first front page story, what we in the newspaper business call “steak-sauce” because it’s on page A1. My story was about a local woman who found a rat head in a can of green beans. But that’s not even the best part. When I finally scored an interview with the representative from the green bean company, he claimed the rat head would be safe to eat because it was cooked in the can and rendered commercially sterile. The company was Allen Canning, in case you’re wondering which green beans to avoid.
Soon, I found out what all newspaper employees eventually learn—it’s impossible to live off of minimum wage. So, I jumped ship and found my true calling in life—librarianship. In 2008 in the span of two months, I quit my job, got married, and moved across the country to South Carolina to attend graduate school to get my Masters in Library and Information Science. It was the perfect career choice for me, because I love books, cardigan sweaters, and telling people to shut up. One year later, my husband Matt got laid off from his job in Carolina. His former company in Utah offered him his old job back, so we returned to Utah in a move Matt equated to being held back a grade.

I found work with an IT research company. Even though I don’t get to read books to kids or shush noisy people, I get to help our clients find the information they need, so I enjoy my job. I finished grad school three weeks ago, and my goal for the next few months is to read, knit, and be as lazy as possible. And of course, learn to be a better speaker through Toastmasters. Thank you.

For my second speech, I need to focus on organization. I'll need to make an introduction, main points, then a conclusion. I was thinking about this as a topic:

How to lose friends and alienate your fellow Toastmasters (and distinguished guests)

Step 1: Mention tequila shots in your first speech.

Step 2: Do not laugh or smile at speeches that start with "At Fireside last week" or "When I was on my mission."

Step 3: Walk away quickly after speaking, leaving the podium unattended as much as possible.

In case you didn't figure it out, I made all three of those faux pas at Toastmasters in the past two weeks.

Racial stereotyping at its worst

2010-04-06T14:26:00.004-06:00

Matt and I recently made a trip to the downtown library, my favorite branch. While there, we saw a shocking display of books geared towards helping the formerly incarcerated get jobs. What's wrong with this picture?

All of the books had black guys in the forefront! Are they trying to tell us that only black people go to jail?

A post about vegetables and math

2010-03-22T12:08:00.005-06:00

Has it really been a month and a half since I last posted? I haven't had anything good to blog about lately, so I will bore you all with a post about my latest fascination: romanesco broccoli.

I saw this creepy-yet-beautiful veggie in my co-worker's seed catalog, and was drawn to it. Laura Anderson from the New York Times food blog describes it best as "the lovechild of cauliflower and broccoli with some alien DNA thrown in." I didn't really care about its taste; I'm far too nerdy for that. Instead, I immediately wondered if its spiral design followed the Fibonacci sequence.

For those of you who aren't huge nerds, the Fibonacci sequence is a pattern of numbers that is often found in nature. Matt says that is because it is the most efficient sequence. It's found in pinecones, sunflowers, artichokes, and the beach in Half Moon Bay, California. If you want to geek out, you can read about it on Wikipedia. The broccoli is also an example of a fractal, because all those little knobby things are exact replicas of the big knobby things. I am sure there are more technical ways to describe it, but I'm not a mathematician--that's Matt's role in this relationship.

Foodies say that romanesco broccoli has a soft and slightly nutty flavor. Would you try it?

Things that annoy me: sign language

2010-02-03T21:37:00.005-07:00

I don't have anything against deaf people, but I do have something against non-deaf people who feel the need to perform inspirational songs in sign language. It's really annoying, you guys. No one gives a shit if you know the signs to "The Greatest Love of All" or "Wind Beneath My Wings." What do they expect to happen?

Wow, I was a crack-addicted deaf teenaged gutter-slut, but someone told me in sign language that "children are the future" and I was inspired to turn my life around.

Non-deaf people signing is only acceptable in Drop Dead Gorgeous, one of the funniest movies of all time.

I'd like to see someone do a sign language version of "Straight Outta Compton." The only sign language I know are gang signs and the middle finger, and I think both would fit in nicely with that song.

Hair today, gone tomorrow.

2010-01-27T20:33:00.004-07:00

Over the span of about 15 months, my sister and I seemed to have switched hairdos.

October 2008:

January 2010:

Fortunately for her, she looks better with both hairdos. Bitch.

Jersey Shore

2010-01-04T16:13:00.004-07:00

By now, you've all probably heard about the ridiculous show, Jersey Shore. But you don't know ridiculous until you've heard Matt give a synopsis of it.

Matt: Tookie got punched!

Me: Tookie? The former leader of the Crips who got the death penalty?

Matt: No, the girl on the Jersey Shore.

Me: I think you mean "Snookie."

Matt: Whatever. Anyway, then J-Kwon was dancing with Pauly the DJ who "beat the beat down."

Me: J-Kwon? Like "everybody in the club get tipsy" J-Kwon? The rapper?

Matt: No, the other girl on Jersey Shore.

Tookie and Snookie:

Lange Gang Christmas

2009-12-30T10:37:00.007-07:00

All families have their own quirky holiday traditions. On the scale of "weird families" ours falls somewhere between the Bluths from Arrested Development and the Griswolds. Our traditions include: playing Christmas Bingo, drinking heavily, and the annual performance of the "Christmizzle Rap" Caitlin and I wrote in 2002. This year, we decided to mix it up a bit.

The crazy antics started when my Aunts decided that we all needed to wear hideous Christmas attire that they purchased from the local thrift store. No, the hat isn't part of the aforementioned hideous Christmas attire, it was part of my normal outfit for the day.

Matt got to wear a women's shirt with shoulder pads. I ended up with a strange rash on my neck/chest area after wearing that sweater.

Group shot:

The next day, Kelby and I discovered a new source of fun. We charged up the old Jazzy scooter my aunt used when both of her legs were broken. The scooter was fun for about five minutes, until we all started fighting over it. But since it was Christmas, we decided to be nice and take turns, each going for a spin on the scooter while talking in Stephen Hawking voices.

Caitlin riding the scooter (moments before she ran over Kelby's foot):

Kelby giving Buzz a ride on the scooter:

Our last form of entertainment was going through the stuff found in Kelby's room. My parents just got done "gutting out" (their words, not mine) Kelby's room aka "The Dungeon" (also not my words), and they found some great stuff. The best finds were: the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie soundtrack on cassette, the voicechanger (a microphone-like device that you speak into and it changes your voice to sound like a robot, baby, or monster), a realistic-looking ceramic toad, and some great clothes.

Here's Kelby modeling the safety gear found in his room:

We tried to get him to wear this clip-on tie to the bar. It would have really classed-up the joint and he would have impressed the ladies.

Also, I have a video of Kelby chugging a margarita in less than 8 seconds that I will post later. Mom and Dad were so proud! In reality, they yelled at us for laughing at him, then warned us of the dangers of alcohol poisoning.

What are your holiday traditions?

Knitting Porn aka cute overload

2009-12-22T11:46:00.006-07:00

Aren't these the cutest little knit birds you've ever seen?

They are actually baby rattles, but I still LOVE them.

I also think the knit sock monkey "Clementine" is freaking adorable.

All of the stuff on that site is handmade, and super cute. I love the colors they use, and hope I can knit that well someday.

Four more days until Christmas

2009-12-21T09:54:00.004-07:00

A coworker of mine commisioned some scarves for her daughter and daughter-in-law for Christmas, so here are the finished products:

I knit the body of the scarf, and crocheted the flowers. I backed them both in fleece for added warmth, and sewed on a snap to fasten it.

She asked me to make the scarves after seeing my Anthropologie knock-off. This is the Anthropologie scarf, which was over $100.

It looks a lot nicer than mine, but I think my effort was good:

Sketchy Santas

2009-12-17T10:26:00.000-07:00

This site is hilarious.

Weekend Update: Christmas edition

2009-12-14T10:26:00.004-07:00

This past weekend Matt and I almost finished our Christmas shopping. While we didn't get any gifts at the mall, we had a fun time there. The best moment was when we heard a man ask his young (5-6 year-old) daughter, "Who is this Lady Ga Ga person you keep talking about?"

Unfortunately we also heard an old guy let out the loudest public fart I've ever heard. We got out of that store fast.

The only stuff we got at the mall was two pair of much needed jeans for me. I had to get a size larger than usual and spent more than I wanted to on them, but I was having a very hard time finding jeans long enough for my gangly legs. As many of you readers probably know, I do not like to buy things unless they are on sale and deeply discounted. Call me a cheap ass, but I like a good deal! I was a bit disappointed about the size, but I guess I can't expect to remain the size I was when I was 18. Growing old sucks!

We ended up getting all of our gifts at stores outside the mall, and I think the recipients will be very happy. I also spent quite a bit of time using my Photoshop skills to create some hilarious (in my opinion) gifts, which will be posted after Christmas.

Here comes Santa Claus

2009-12-10T11:43:00.006-07:00

As a child, I was always afraid of Santa. Call me a wuss, but I think I had good insticts. Think about it...
Reasons why Santa was/is creepy:
1. "He sees you when you're sleeping; he knows when you're awake." It's scary/disturbing when anyone watches you in your sleep, let alone an overweight dude wearing a fake beard. And does he see me when I'm going to the bathroom? That's embarassing.
2. He's invincible. There is no way to kill Santa.
3. He's exempt from the law. Ever heard of breaking and entering?
4. A lack of chimney doesn't stop him. He'll find a "magical way" to get into your house.

For those reasons (or maybe I was just scared), I would never sit on Santa's lap. Here's my mom's memory of Christmases past:
"My kids would never sit on Santa's lap. Brianna would stand about 3 feet away and yell her wishes. Kelby would stare at him and Caitlin would scream the whole time."

That doesn't surprise me. I've always been a screamer. But what was up with Caitlin's high-water pants? Mine were probably high-water, too, since it appears that I had them pulled up to my armpits. Hey, it was the 80s.

For another example of a creey Santa, I recommend reading David Sedaris' essay "Six to Eight Black Men."

"Listen, you might want to pack a few of your things together before you go to bed. The former bishop from Turkey will be coming along with six to eight black men. They might put some candy in your shoes, they might stuff you in a sack and take you to Spain, or they might just pretend to kick you. We don't know for sure, but we want you to be prepared." --David Sedaris

Don't make up lies or I will be forced to be an asshole to you.

2009-12-03T13:35:00.006-07:00

I just called out a total stranger on Facebook for being a LIAR. A girl who worked with me at the library in S.C. posted a note mentioning how she met a girl named “de'Lishus,” and one of her friends responded “While I was in Rock Hill, I met two brothers named Lemangelo and an Orangelo (after their parents favorite dessert), a Fema'le and.... a Shithead.”

I then responded to the guy (who I do not know) that those were all names from a chapter in Freakonomics.

Why can't I let things go? I've stopped correcting people's grammar, but if someone says something that is obviously wrong, I can't help it. The stupid guy was probably just trying to get laid by throwing out some "fun facts," but he would have impressed her more if he told her he read it in a book, instead of claiming he actually knew the people.

(photos and names have been blacked out to protect the innocent--or ignorant in the stupid guy's case.)

Here's a copy of the page, courtesy of Amazon.com:

Annoying toys: Do you hear what I hear?

2009-12-02T12:07:00.005-07:00

There is an unwritten rule that you must give your young nieces and nephews the most annoying gifts you can think of for all holidays and birthdays. The joys of annoying gifts are twofold: a) you get to dole out sweet revenge on your siblings, and b) it makes you popular with their offspring because annoying toys are usually fun.

Characteristics of annoying toys include (but are not limited to): toys that make loud noises, toys with intricate parts that only adults can figure out, crafts that encourage messiness, toys that move (including robots and remote controled toys), toys with flashing lights.

Here are some examples of past annoying gifts:
1. When my brother was young, our Aunt Robynn gave him a fire helmet with two annoying characteristics. It flashed brightly and had the loudest and most annoying siren. Kelby loved it, my parents hated it. I'm pretty sure they took the batteries out. Annoying gift score: B+ (because it wasn't so annoying without the batteries).
2. For our niece's third birthday, we gave her a princess outfit. While that gift seems innocent enough, she was starting preschool the next day, and Matt said, "You should wear that on your first day of school!" She didn't want to take it off, and tried wearing it everywhere. Annoying gift score: B-.
3. My mom gave my cousin Lauren a drumset when she was four. Enough said. Annoying gift score: A

4. In the early 90s, my Aunt Lani and Uncle Rod gave my siblings and I an original Nintendo. The Nintendo was great fun (and still is), but was always a point of contention. Many fist-fights were started because there were three children, but only two players. To this day Caitlin blames her lack of video game skills on Kelby and I, since we never let her play. Annoying gift score: A-
5. I was the recipient of the best annoying gift: a keyboard with a microphone and tape deck. I'm sure my parents regretted giving me the gift the moment I learned how to play Backstreet Boys' songs and decided to write my own versions to annoy Caitlin, who loved BSB. I'm sure somewhere in my parents' house there is a cassette tape with my breakout hit, "I'll Never Make You Fart," a cover version of "I'll Never Break your Heart." The keyboard made a comeback last Christmas, after Caitlin and I had a few cocktails. It's the gift that keeps on giving--the gift of beautiful music, that is. Annoying gift score: A+

This Christmas I put the "annoying toy" notion aside, and tried to focus on getting fun toys that the kids will enjoy--bonus points if they happen to be annoying.

The Playskool Busy Ball Popper was listed as one of the best toys for our niece Kirin's age group, so I took a look at the reviews.

One parent said, "The music is annoying and loud. I would describe it as high pitched anime characters saying "yeah" over and over. The music actually stresses me out, and the balls flying everywhere stress my boy out."

I immediately put it on my shopping list. One kid down, one to go.

I have been wanting to buy Adisyn (the three-year-old niece) a Sit 'n Spin for a while, because I remember it being such a fun toy. Imagine my delight when I found out that they make a MUSICAL Sit 'n Spin!

One of the reviews said: "The only complaint I have ever had about this toy is that there is no way to stop the music once you press the button; you just have to let the tune finish."

Perfect! I think this will be the best Christmas ever.

Mr. Einstein

2009-11-25T15:25:00.009-07:00

I realized today that I've never blogged about my step son. No, Matt didn't father an illegitimate child, but he did adopt a vicious/evil/awesome cat several years before we started dating.

Meet Mr. Einstein:

He's a little cutie, but don't let that picture fool you--he's sort of a bastard. After living for years with a bachelor and learning to fend for himself, Mr. Einstein developed a hard exterior towards the outside world.

Einstein, or "Little Buddy" as Matt likes to call him, liked to bite, scratch, and cause general mischief. Everyone who has met him has a favorite Mr. Einstein story. Once, he jumped into Matt's fridge and wouldn't get out. Matt kept reaching in to pick him up, and but Einstein kept fighting back, weilding his sharp claws. So Matt did what any parent would do. He left him in there to think about what he did. Before you call the ASPCA/Humane Society, remember that Einstein was only in the fridge for a ~~day or two~~ couple minutes before Matt let him out.

After college, Matt was deemed an unfit parent and Einstein was made a ward of the state. He went to live with Matt's parents, who decided to de-claw him in order to ensure their own survival. Matt's brother Russ has a scar near his eye from when Einstein decided to wake him up with a paw to the face.

Matt loves to tell the story of how he once ran out of cat litter and had to use oatmeal instead, but Einstein didn't care. "He liked being a bachelor," says Matt. This past summer Einstein proved he is not picky when it comes to doing his business. When Matt's sister Katie moved to New Jersey, she cleaned out her two cats' litter box and put it by the back door. Einstein needed to use the restroom, and went in the empty (and formerly clean) litter box.

Matt also claims that if Einstein bites you, you don't need medical attention because his saliva is the H1N1 vaccine, but that's neither here nor there. (He likes to make up his own Chuck Norris-esque jokes about Mr. Einstein.)

Perhaps the funniest thing about Mr. Einstein is the fact that he is a complete sociopath, but loves being around people. If you try to pet him, he will bite you. He will rub up against your leg and look into your eyes with a cute expression, but the second you reach down to pet him he will feast on your flesh. And if there is a room of people he is always in the room, unlike the other two cats who prefer to hide in the bedrooms.

If you don't pay attention to him, he will break things. The other day, Matt and I observed that every time we talk to his parents on the phone someone in the background says "Einstein, you little fucker," or "Damnit, Einstein!" or some variation of curse words + Einstein.

That is why we were so surprised when he did this during our last visit:

He sat on Matt's lap, and did not bite when Matt pet him. Is he finally coming around? Has he forgiven his father? Einstein, just remember: Matt didn't give you up; he gave you better.

Christmas Crafts

2009-11-24T09:35:00.009-07:00

It is time for my holiday crafts to begin, or as Matt calls it, "Brianna's sweatshop." I know I should wait until school is over for the semester, but I can't help myself--I'm on a knitting frenzy.

I've already started the gift for my sister-in-law (hopefully she doesn't read this blog). I am making her a pair of convertable mittens. I have the glove part done on one, and need to add the mitten top. This is the first time I've actually used the recommended yarn in a pattern, and it's only because I bought it in a kit. Regardless, I like the colors and I hope SIL does too.
This is what mine looks like:

This is what it will hopefully look like when it's done (from the pattern's website):

I also want to make hats and mittens for the nieces. Here's a pic of Kirin wearing a hat I made Adi when she was a baby:

I saw this hat (below) at Baby Gap, and I think I'll try to replicate it for Kirin, but in different colors:

I also liked these items from Gymboree:

knit hat:

mittens:

knit jumper:

And this hat from Anthropologie:

And this Anthropologie headband:

Or, maybe I'll stop being lazy and come up with my own designs instead of copying stores' stuff.

100 Blogs of Solitude

2009-11-23T11:41:00.008-07:00

I haven't blogged in a while, because this is the 100th post and I wanted it to be meaningful. After waiting nearly two weeks, I decided that I'd just blog about whatever I wanted instead of waiting for something amazing. I did, however, find this amazing photo:

From the accompanying article: "An iron-lunged pensioner has celebrated her 100th birthday by lighting up her 170,000th cigerette from a candle on her birthday cake."

In an unrelated note, I have a story to share.

The other day Matt and I needed some cash and stopped by an ATM. He accidentally pushed the button for "Spanish," and instead of admitting defeat and cancelling the transaction, we decided to attempt to translate it on our own. Mind you, our collective Spanish vocabulary probably amounts to about 100 words, 50 of which are numbers.

We entered the PIN, pushed the button for checking, told the machine we wanted a receipt, high-fived each other, and thought we were on our way to getting some cold, hard dinero...until the ATM asked a question about "sellos."

Sellos? What the hell are sellos? What other possible ATM questions could there be? Panicking, we canceled the transaction, and started over from the beginning, in Inglés. We went through the same series of questions, and found out that sellos means stamps. They really threw us curveball with that one.

Extreme Makeover Apartment Edition

2009-11-10T10:33:00.005-07:00

Lately I've been really disenchanted with our apartment. While it is a decent size for a one bedroom apartment (734 square feet), we have a ton of shit and not very much storage. We still have stuff in boxes from when we moved in June, which is really pathetic. In order to mend this situation, we've made these goals:

1. Come up with a different arrangement for the furniture. This will probably entail moving some stuff into the bedroom, because right now our livingroom is very overcrowded.

2. Get rid of stuff. This includes the washer and dryer that have been sitting on our balcony. Any takers?

3. Come up with creative storage ideas. We've put the bed on risers so we can store stuff underneath it, but haven't yet purchased storage containers that can slide under the bed. I'm think that buying a flat screen TV would save tons of space, but Matt isn't convinced. :)

This is a picture of the model apartment in our complex (ours is the exact same layout):

While that looks nice, the model apartment doesn't have the following items that we have: 2 bookcases, TV with stand, desk with computer, loveseat.

I've been looking at Apartment Therapy all morning to get ideas, but I am not feeling inspired. Any suggestions?

I'm a vegetable!

2009-10-29T11:44:00.003-06:00

Last night Christine, Anita and I went to the opening day of Michael Jackson's This is it. Little MJ came too:

I loved the movie, and resisted the urge to sing along. I recommend it for: MJ fans, people who like dance, musicians, nerds, jocks, young people, old people, EVERYONE!

Real-life gaydar?

2009-10-28T12:44:00.006-06:00

A new iPhone app, Grindr, allows gay dudes to find each other. It's basically a mobile social networking site that uses GPS to tell you if there's a gay/bi guy in your vicinity. You can then see photos and stats of the dudes in your area, as well as a map of where they are. Sounds creepy and stalkerish, right?

Well, this may have come in handy for some individuals (like myself) who have horrible gaydar. I think this application should be marketed to single hetero females, so they can tell which guys in their area are gay, and avoid dating them.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not a gay-hater. I love the gays so much I might as well be Lady Ga Ga. However, your self esteem tends to drop a few points when you find out that two of your ex-boyfriends made out with each other.

I like to tell myself that I was such a good girlfriend that I made them feel comfortable enough to be their true selves, but in reality my masculine traits were probably just the catalyst for them coming out of the closet. I guess I made the chick-to-dude transition pretty easy.

But I'm getting off topic. Moral of the story, ladies need this iPhone app.

You can buy my love and it's on sale for a limited time only

2009-10-28T09:27:00.005-06:00

For those of you with disposable incomes, Armani Exchange is having a nice online sale and I'm interested in these items:

P.S. I wear a size medium.

Rocky Mountain Power is ruining my life

2009-10-26T21:54:00.005-06:00

I just had the most frustrating phone conversation of my life. The power went out at 8:50, and I had a homework assignment due at 10 p.m. The power didn't come back on until 9:45.

Luckily, Matt is in South Carolina and offered to do it for me, so I had to explain to him over the phone how to log on to the school's intranet, then listen to him read the message board postings (complete with his own smart ass remarks), then dictate my response to him.

And of course he had to make jokes the whole time. "I decided to spell her name Lissa instead of Lisa, is that okay?" and "Oops, I accidentally submitted that," and "I typed your password wrong too many times and now I'm locked out." All of those jokes followed by "you'd better be joking" from me, then "yes, hahahah" from Matt.

But, I am very grateful that my husband was willing to stay up late to help me out. I've missed him a lot the past couple days and I'm excited he's coming home tomorrow.

funny moment of the day

2009-10-26T17:06:00.002-06:00

Caitlin's instant message to me while listening to a crazy person on the phone at work:

"h1n1...democracy...CDC...scandal.
SHUT UP"

Weekend as a bachelorette: Matt will never leave me home alone again

2009-10-25T20:36:00.005-06:00

Matt left yesterday morning to go to South Carolina and left me home alone. I'll admit, I was sort of stressed out about being home alone for four days, but I think I'm coping pretty well.

Yesterday I ate leftover Pei Wei take-out and coffee for breakfast, stayed in my pajamas until noon doing laundry and cleaning house, then met up with a friend.

I've said it once, and I'll say it again, sometimes friendships are just like dating. I was really nervous to ask my friend Maggie to go to a movie yesterday, but she accepted and proposed that we go to dinner beforehand. Luckily Maggie's really fun to be around, and conversation is really natural with her; she makes it easy to be her friend. We had dinner at a new restaurant downtown (can't remember its name, but it had great soul food), got gelato, then saw "The Hangover" at the dollar theater.

Today I went to Five Guys with Sister Christian (my new nickname for Caitlin and Christian), then we went shopping. I was supposed to be looking for a birthday gift for Katie and a baby gift for my friend Jackson's new daughter. Instead, I bought some designer luggage,

a new purse,

and a dress (not pictured). But, I did put back three (yes, 3) shirts at Forever 21, a pair of skinny jeans at Macy's, and a pair of Juicy jeans at Nordstrom Rack (Caitlin said heart-shaped pockets looked stupid). It's all about will power, guys.

I ended up finding a gift for Katie and the last store we went to, but still haven't found a baby gift.

And I'm mad at Christian for betting against the Panthers. I blame him for our loss.

Monster feet

2009-10-22T10:29:00.003-06:00

These shoes seriously creep me out:

Taking it too far

2009-10-20T10:31:00.007-06:00

Yesterday, I received this voicemail at work:
"Hi, I need some research as soon as possible. Please call me back when you get this."
Our phone system doesn't show caller ID for missed calls, so I frantically tried to figure out which of my clients needed research. I didn't know the guy's name, phone number, or even what research he needed. A co-worker suggested that I ask IT, and maybe they could at least get the phone number. I emailed the help desk, but they weren't able to help me.

Just when I had finally given up on finding the dude, I get this email from Matt:

Did you get my message requesting the report?

I didn't recognize my own husband's voice! I felt like an idiot.

While I appreciate his sense of humor, Matt has a tendency to take jokes too far. Christine and I used to say that Matt was playing his own game of "taking it too far" with all jokes and comments. A group can be laughing and joking around, and he'll make a highly inappropriate comment that will silence the group.

No topic is off limits, either. I remember watching the African Children's Choir sing on American Idol, and Matt made a reference to Hotel Rwanda (which we had just seen), asking if the children were Tutsi or Hutu. I'm sure the joke went a few steps beyond the line of appropriateness, but I seem to have blocked out that memory.

Another instance of "taking it too far" occurred last week. I had a headache one night last week, so I decided to take a long, hot bath. While I was relaxing in the tub, Matt knocked on the bathroom door.
"You cleaned out the bathtub before you got in, right?" he asked.
Of course I hadn't. "No. Why?"
"Oh, I started peeing in the shower. I thought you knew that," he said with a straight face.
I said something along the lines of "Are you fucking kidding me!?!!?!?/I'm going to vomit/That's the most disgusting thing I've ever heard!!" and jumped out. He waited until I started to drain the tub before he told me he was joking.

He claimed his joke was inspired by a Seinfeld episode where George pees in the shower at the gym, but for some reason I fail to have a sense of humor when I'm standing in the bathroom sopping wet with a pounding headache, fearful that I had been soaking in a tub of pee-water.

"Do the medical journals say anything about standing in a pool of someone else's urine?"
- Jerry Seinfeld (talking to George)

Homemade flying saucers!

2009-10-19T15:22:00.000-06:00

Things that should be kept out of children's reach.

a playlist I made

2009-10-17T13:12:00.003-06:00

For your listening enjoyment.

(I didn't want to embed it, so click the above link.)

Three ladies I love

2009-10-16T09:23:00.008-06:00

Tina Fey recently told David Letterman that she was a virgin in her 20's, accrediting it to "just good, Christian values ... or, being homely." Man, I love that lady! I can relate, though in my case it was more the latter than the former. Hahah.

I also think Tina Fey is cool because she looks like my mom. I'd do a side-by-side but I think my mom would get pissed if I put a photo of her on my blog.

Becki Newton, the actress who plays my favorite Ugly Betty character (Amanda), wrote an article for Self about trying new things. Here's the best part of her article:

I distinctly remember a day in third grade when my teacher, Mrs. Otte, said to me, "Becki, I think one day you are going to be a writer." I had composed a very sophisticated and nuanced poem about my cat, Toby, and how he liked tuna, yarn and long naps in the sun.

I think Becki and I should be real-life BFFs.

Filippa Hamilton is speaking out about getting fired by Ralph Lauren for being "too fat" to fit into the sample clothes. She's 5'10" and weighs 120 freaking pounds! Hellloooo, she's a total lard-ass! (I'm obviously kidding.) The article calls for women to complain and vote with their pocketbooks.

I wouldn't buy stuff from his current line anyway. Everyone knows the equestrian theme is sort of Ralph's thing, but it's FUGLY. I guess "Ralph" is synonymous with "vomit" for a reason. Case in point:

Question of the day

2009-10-14T15:51:00.003-06:00

Should I cut my hair short again, or let it grow out?

Option A: fun short 'do

Option B: grow it out to its former length (that was almost exactly one year ago)

Duets and the N-word

2009-10-13T17:02:00.004-06:00

As many of you know (if there's anyone reading this is in the first place), Matt and I recorded a duets album last Christmas. I'd like to say we were drunk, but we didn't start drinking until after we recorded three songs.

It was brought to my attention that I said the n-word in one of the songs, "Doin' It" (originally recorded by LL Cool J). I cited "artistic license," but felt bad about it, especially since Snoop once came to me in a dream and told me not to say it.

Here's an excerpt from a blog I wrote April 24, 2005:

Snoop Dogg came to me in a dream a couple of months ago, and this is what he said:

Snoop: Brianna, you have to stop saying "Nizzle."

Brianna: But why?

Snoop: Because it means "nigga," and you can't say that because you are a white girl.

Brianna: Oh. Well, what CAN I say?

Snoop: You can say, "bizzle" and "sizzle." They mean "brother" and "sister."

The words came from The Dogfather himself, so I'd better start heeding his advice.

How to die in seven easy steps

2009-10-12T15:47:00.005-06:00

Step one: Borrow your 13-year-old cousin's motorized mini-bike.
Step two: Practice riding for about 10 yards or 30 seconds, whichever comes first.
Step three: Inform your cousin that you are now an expert rider.
Step four: Ask your cousin how to turn the bike up to high speed (20-30 miles per hour).
Step five: Refuse to wear a helmet.
Step six: Ride up and down the street screaming "look at me!" so your best friend* will come out and see you riding the bike.
Step seven: When your mom comes outside to yell at you, yell "chicken race" and race towards her at full speed.

*My BFF's aunt lives across the street from my two aunts, and we happened to be visiting our aunts at the same time.

Peeved 2.0

2009-10-08T18:07:00.003-06:00

If you want to do something that makes my ears bleed, add some redundant words after your acronyms. Whenever I hear someone say "ATM machine," "PIN number," or "SAT test," I want to scream. Or punch a baby.

You wouldn't say "automated teller machine machine," "personal identification number number" or "standard achievement test test," would you?

Same goes for "LCD display" and "HTML language."

...and for the librarians out there, stop saying "ISBN number."

Babies love me, I swear.

2009-10-07T07:40:00.005-06:00

I uploaded the pictures from Adi's third birthday, and I found this hilarious pic of Matt and I holding our nieces:

They look like they hate us! Kirin (left) was so good and happy that day, but was getting cranky near the end of the party. As for Adi, I think she was just coppin' a 'tude for that picture, showing her true top-model skills, because she was so excited and happy all day.

I know all uncles and aunts claim their nieces/nephews are the cutest and best in the world, but mine really are, for these reasons:
1. When I was sitting next to Adi in the car, she punched me and yelled "slug bug!" Sure enough, there was a VW Beetle next to us.
2. When Adisyn gets in trouble, gets hurt, or starts crying, Kirin laughs and smiles. Sibling rivalry at its best.
3. Adi once said, "When I get big, I can say 'fuckin' A.'"

Plus, Adi always wants to sit by me, which makes me feel cool and popular. Some day I will post a picture that proves that they actually like us.

Brianna's Fall Fashion 2009

2009-10-03T13:47:00.008-06:00

Fall finally arrived this past week. Fall is my favorite season for two reasons: cold-weather fashion and Halloween (which is fashion related because you get to dress up). Because the temperature has been dropping over the past few days, I've started to dig out all of my hats, scarves, and coats.

So, here are my fall fashion must-haves:

1. Wrist warmers

I knit these wrist warmers this week. Don't act like you're not impressed, because I know you are. Wrist warmers are the best for fall weather, because they keep your wrists toasty, and unlike mittens and gloves, you still have great manual dexterity. They're also great for chilly offices, like mine, and you look like a bad-ass biker. If you're wondering why my fingernails look so fabulous (and you probably are), it's because I gave myself a french manicure. As if you needed any more evidence of my artistic ability, try it yourself. It's very hard to paint a thin white strip on your nails left-handed.

2. Military jacket

I bought this exact jacket about a week ago, and I've already worn it twice. Military jackets are awesome because they have the formal buttons and lines, but the feminine shaping give them some soft curves. Plus, this coat has a mandarin collar so it looks great with scarves. My jacket is 100% cotton aka machine washable, which is perfect for clumsy fools like me who are likely to spill food items.

3. Suede boots

I've already posted once about these boots, but I love them. I also have some brown suede boots with a tiny wedge heel that I wear a lot in the fall and winter. But, if you get suede boots and live in a snowy city like SLC, make sure you waterproof them. I got some spray-on waterproofing crap (yes, that's the technical name for it) at The Walking Company.

4. Cardigans

I don't own this cardigan, but I wish I did. Does anyone want to give me $300? It's no secret that I wear cardigans year-round, but when fall comes around, I start to see lots of cardigans in stores, like this one (below), that I just got. It's the coolest, granniest cardigan I own because it incorporates three granny elements: flowers, lace, and gold buttons.

My fall shopping is probably done (Matt, you can now breathe a sigh of relief), but I'm taking the wool coats in to get dry cleaned today, a sure-sign that it will probably snow, since that always seems to happen when I'm coat-less.

Bad Diary Days

2009-10-01T09:57:00.006-06:00

Today is one of those days when I should have immediately crawled back into bed after getting up. I'm actually lucky that I woke up in the first place, considering my alarm did not go off. I use my cellphone as my alarm, and I woke up at 7:10 (the alarm was set for 7 a.m.) to find that my cellphone's screen had mysteriously frozen in the middle of the night, rendering it useless. Thanks, Verizon.

But, no big deal, right? I woke up on my own, so I was set for the day...so I thought. It turns out my hairdryer ~~tried to kill me~~ died. I've had several warning signs that it was on its way out, but apparently I am dumb enough to keep using the hairdryer after it a)blew the circuit in my bathroom multiple times, and b)threw a spark onto the bathroom rug (luckily not in my hair). I guess it's a good rule of thumb to not point appliances at your head if they are emitting flames and/or sparks.

So, I had to let my hair air-dry, and by the time it was somewhat dry I didn't have time to fix it, and it's too short to go into a ponytail. The result is what I like to refer to as the "shaggy teen boy 'do." I freaking look like Zac Effron.

Actually, I wish I looked like Zac Effron. He has better hair and is way prettier.

I really look more like this:

Still, not a big deal. I'm married so I'm allowed to neglect my appearance, right? That's the great thing about being married; you can look like complete shit and still have someone hot to sleep with.

Here's where it starts to become a big effing deal. I decided to mix it up a bit by spilling hot coffee on my lap. Nothing says "good morning" like a scalding beverage on your genitals. Fortunately I didn't get much coffee on my shirt, and was able to change pants and make it work work only 5 minutes late. But I have no coffee. Should I break my Coke-fast and get a nice cold one from the vending machine? I haven't had a Coke since Sunday, and I think it would really help turn around this shitty excuse for a day.

**update**

I tried to get a Coke from the machine, and it ate my fucking money, and I have no other cash to feed it. I guess it wasn't meant to be. And I'm pretty sure my Mormon boss heard me call it a "piece of shit vending machine."

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

2009-09-29T16:43:00.005-06:00

I was told today that my 23-year-old coworker is more mature than I am. The comment was made because I laughed at the word "colon" when it was being refered to in the punctuation form, not the other form. In case you're like my coworker and didn't get why I was laughing, colon is a fancy medical term for asshole.

I guess there is more supporting evidence for the fact that I am immature than against it. For example, today I was working on a school assignment called my Organizational Analysis, and I thought of saving it as "Organ Anal" for short.

On the other hand, I've grown a lot in the past couple years. For starters, I removed both my nose ring and my navel ring, though the latter was due the fact that I didn't want to draw attention to my less-than-perfect midsection while at the pool. Also, I have an IRA. Nothing says maturity like planning for your retirement, bitches.

So, are my immature jokes just a pathetic attempt to relive my teen years, or am I slowly acsending into adulthood? I'll answer that question someday, but it will require delving deeper. That's what she said.

Things I need

2009-09-28T12:52:00.005-06:00

Mustache Mugs:

13 reasons not to have children

2009-09-24T14:17:00.006-06:00

*warning, inappropriate material may follow* (Mom, you probably don't want to read this)

I am getting sick of people asking me when we're going to have kids. That is a very personal and serious life decision, so why would I want to discuss it with mere acquaintances? I do not know why people think it is appropriate to ask such things. So, I've created some responses to the dreaded "Why don't you have kids" question that will surely make the asker very uncomfortable.

1. Oh, didn't you hear? The doctors say we're unable to have children.
2. We were going to have one, but we aborted it.
3. We don't want to bring a child into a hostile environment, considering our drug habits and porn addictions.
4. Great idea! Perhaps you can give us your thoughts on family planning since you seem so interested in the topic.
5. As appealing as it sounds to spend hours trying to push an mucus-covered eight pound object out of my vagina, while shitting myself and screaming bloody murder, I think I'll pass. And you know it doesn't go back to its original size. You know what I'm talking about.
6. Right now I'm really enjoying eight to ten restful hours of sleep, but if I ever want to change my sleep-cycle so I'm awake every two hours, I'll let you know.
7. We've decided to lead more sustainable lives and "go green," and the environmental impact of adding another person to the world is too detrimental to the cause. Children are constant drains on our limited resources.
8. Matt and I are so awesome that we think it would be unfair to have a child who couldn't live up to the legacy of his/her parents. The kid would just be a disappointment to all.
9. Statistics say it costs about $250,000 to raise a kid, and I'd rather have that money to spend on designer handbags, jewelry, and booze.
10. I don't want to give up drinking for nine months.
11. I can't keep a houseplant alive for more than a few months, and unlike a plant, a kid surely wouldn't be able to survive two weeks of neglect.
12. I've lived 25 years without stretch marks and gaining 50+ pounds, and I hope to keep it that way.
13. I want to be able to listen to gangsta rap unedited, and throw out the f-bomb as much as I want.

Love is a mixtape

2009-09-23T14:00:00.003-06:00

When I was at my parents' house in Moab a couple weeks ago I grabbed a handful of old mix tapes on my way out the door. Our new/old car (lovingly named "Deuce") has only a tape deck, and I wanted some 'tunes for the ride home. I had no idea I would soon unleash a flood of childhood memories.
From my best guess, the tapes were made between 1994-1996.

Some noteworthy mix tape moments:
5 Boyz II Men songs on one tape
Donna Lewis' one-hit-wonder "I Love You, Always Forever"
Joni Lewis' "Big Yellow Taxi" followed by Ace of Base's "Don't Turn Around"
Dave Matthews Band and Toad the Wet Sprocket songs--not bad taste for a youngster.

Hooker heels and the subjugation of women

2009-09-23T09:56:00.005-06:00

MSN had an article today, "Do high heels empower or oppress women?" that got me thinking about my empowerment tactics, and wearing heels is definitely one of them. When I'm wearing heels, not only do I have better posture, but I'm taller than most people (men included), which has forced me to own my height instead of feeling ashamed of it. In heels, I stand tall, arch my back, and walk confidently.

The bra-burners in the article argue that heels make women into sex objects, which I think is a bull shizzz. Unless you're pulling an Amy Winehouse and "rockin' your F-me pumps," men probably won't pay much attention to your footwear.

Another thing that irritated me about the article was the poll: Do you think high high heels empower or oppress women? One option was, "Some women can get away with wearing higher heels than other women, especially if they’re shorter." WHAT??

By the way, I'm wearing heels today, and I highly doubt anyone in the office will opress me or view me as a sex-object.

They're the rounded-toe version of these:

Viva heels! I think Carrie Bradshaw would concur.

Possibly the most disgusting thing I've done all week

2009-09-18T13:01:00.005-06:00

My thoughts a moment ago:
Damn, this lip gloss makes my lips look really good! They are so glossy. Wait a minute...I didn't put on lip gloss today. What the ...oh shit.

I had pizza grease on my lips from lunch and had been rubbing them together admiring them in the bathroom mirror for a good 20 seconds before I realized what it was.

I've got mad culinary skillz

2009-09-15T12:33:00.009-06:00

Since people seem to think that Matt is losing weight because of my poor culinary skills, I've decided to blog more about what I've been cooking. Not one, but TWO people commented that Matt seemed to have lost weight after getting married, and it has to be because of Brianna's cooking. I'd like to remind them that we lived in sin before we got married, so he's been eating my crappy meals for years; in fact, it was my cooking that made him gain weight in the first place. Just kidding about the crappy meals part; my meals are pretty awesome if I do say so myself.

While I have had a few kitchen mishaps (there was an incident with a pot roast), my year of unemployement consisted of many hours watching the Food Network. Maybe Matt's weight loss is due to the fact that I've been cooking salmon and steamed vegetables, or because we eat whole grains and veggie burgers, while some people (namely, one of the people who commented on my alleged bad cooking) serve Kraft Mac 'n' Cheese as a side dish on a regular basis. And I'm not saying I always cook healthy meals--I do the fried chicken and mashed potatoes thing sometimes--but I am more conscious about what we are eating lately.

So, on to the post about what I've been cooking....
It was cold and rainy yesterday, so I decided to make some soup. It turned out pretty damn good (go me!). It's based on my mom's minestrone recipe, which is tasty and super easy to make. You basically take some beef broth and add in some seasonings and whatever you have in your cupboard. I added beef, 1/2 an onion (diced), kidney beans, green beans, macaroni, a fresh tomato, a can of fire-roasted tomatoes, garlic, oregano, basil, salt and pepper. I served it with cheddar corn muffins, and Matt and Caitlin said they both enjoyed it. Matt ate three corn muffins, and while I don't have any physical proof that I'm not starving him, he will attest to the fact that my meal was the bomb-diggity.

Fashion, turn to the left. Fashion, turn around and go home and change shoes.

2009-09-11T10:06:00.011-06:00

Do you ever get dressed in the morning, thinking you look fabulous, but later in the day realize your choice of outfit sucks? Well, that's what happened to me today. I got some new black suede boots and really wanted to wear them, but I probably should have waited until winter.

Cute, huh? So I wore them with skinny jeans and a kimono-style top I got from Urban Outfitters. It is similar to this, but it black with white flowers and a striped cuff on the sleeves:

The problem is that the top of the boot is much wider than my leg, and it looks stupid. I'm going to try to sew some elastic into the lining of the boot at the top. I think it will look okay since the boot is slouchy to begin with.

Since it's officially fall and Fall Fashion Week has started, here's a list of fashion items on my wish list. I decided that I'm going to start wearing plain clothes and ridiculously bold accessories.

Cashmere gloves:

(from Nordstrom.com)

Feather headband:

(Forever21)

Blingy bracelet:

(Forever21)

Orange purse:

(Anthropologie)

Recipe: Potato, Squash, and Goat Cheese Gratin

2009-09-10T14:03:00.002-06:00

If you haven't noticed, I've been too lazy to write a real post, so I'm just throwing out links right and left.

Here's a link to dish I'd like to try:

Potato, Squash, and Goat Cheese Gratin

Another librarian stereotype: sexy librarian

2009-09-09T18:31:00.001-06:00

Librarian
By: My Morning Jacket (from the album Evil Urges)

Walk across the courtyard, towards the library.
I can hear the insects buzz and the leaves 'neath my feet...

Ramble up the stairwell, into the hall of books...
Since we got the interweb these hardly get used.

Duck into the men's room... combing thru my hair...
When god gave us mirrors he had no idea...

Looking for a lesson in the periodicals...
There I spy you listening to the AM radio...

Karen of the carpenters- singing in the rain...
Another lovely victim of the mirror's evil way.

It's not like you're not trying, with a pencil in your har
To defy the beauty the good lord put in there...

Simple little bookworm- buried underneath...
Is the sexiest librarian... take off those glasses and let down your hair for me.

So I watch you thru the bookcase- imaging a scene:
You and I at dinner, spending time, then to sleep.

And what then would I say to you- lying there in bed?
These words, with a kiss, I would plant in your head:

"what is it inside our heads that makes us do the opposite?
Makes us do the opposite of what's right for us?
Cause everything'd be grrreat... and everything'd be good...
If everybody gave... like everybody could."

Sweetest little bookworm. hidden underneath...
Is the sexiest librarian...
Take off those glasses and let your hair down for me.
Take off those glasses and let your hair down for me.

Simple little beauty- heaven in your breath.
The simplest of pleasures- the world at it's best.

Another librarian stereotype: librarian with a stick up his ass

2009-09-09T14:10:00.000-06:00

Inked

2009-09-03T19:15:00.006-06:00

Caitlin has wanted me to get a tattoo with her for a while, but I can't commit to anything. But, I did find a cool calendar that raises money for the Texas Library Disaster Relief fund. The calendar is called "The Tattooed Ladies of TLA."

I also think this is cool:

And this is hilarious, especially the part about Lord of the Rings.

Peeved

2009-09-02T13:37:00.002-06:00

Pet Peeve of the Day:
When people use the word "stinkin'" to refer to something that does not in fact stink. Example: "Your baby is so stinkin' cute."

That word, when used that way, makes me want to gouge my ears out with a blunt object.

I hate Hannah Montana

2009-08-29T10:43:00.006-06:00

I heard the new Miley Cyrus song on the radio yesterday, and was shocked by these lyrics:

"That's when the taxi man turned on the radio
and a Jay Z song was on
and the Jay Z song was on
and the Jay Z song was on
So I put my hands up
They’re playing my song"

Seriously? I don't see Miley rocking out to "99 Problems." If I was Hova I'd bust a cap in her dumb ass. She also sings about going to a club. Isn't she 16? I want to punch her in the face.

Matt says, "This bitch [Miley Cyrus] is out of control."

Family Reunion

2009-08-21T17:53:00.005-06:00

Last weekend my dad's side of the family gathered in the La Sal mountains near Moab for a weekend of family fun. This weekend is probably going to suck, because Matt and I will be cleaning house to prepare for Katie and Erik's arrival, so I am going to take a moment to reflect on the good times of last weekend.

Some memorable moments from last weekend:

Matt and I arriving to the lodge to find our bed out on the deck, with three drunk women (Caitlin, Regan, Mom) in it.

Matthew, my 13-year-old cousin, yelling "I'm on a boat!" when we were getting in the rowboat on the pond. (Old people, follow the link to get the reference)

Caitlin and I scaring each other with the creepy porcelain doll, then Caitlin accidentally breaking its head off.

Christian (Caitlin's boyfriend) sleep-walking into Kelby, Andy and Matthew's room.

Matt and Regan doing awesome choreographed dance moves to JT's "Like I Love You" while Caitlin and I sang.

Playing Loaded Questions with the fam, and laughing hysterically at everyone's messed up answers.

Caitlin and I driving my dad's truck down to the other cabin, and singing Tiny Dancer.

Taking shots of expensive tequila with my cousins (Regan, Andy, Noah).

Caitlin passing out drunk and curling up under a buffalo skin.

Puking up said tequila then passing out in my clothes.

Waking up from my drunken stupor to hear Caitlin screaming "Brianna!!!!!!!!! Briannnnnaaa!" into the karaoke microphone because she wanted me to sing "Rich Girl" with her.

Matthew putting down the card "Bates Motel" for the category "Cut and Dried" during a game of Apples to Apples (that kid is hilarious).

Kelby, Caitlin, Matt and I trying to convince Christian to climb into the attic (while he was wearing his statue of David underwear).

Kelby and Caitlin and I refusing to smile for a family photo.

...and many more!

National Tequila Day

2009-07-27T14:41:00.004-06:00

I am very sad to report that I missed National Tequila Day, which was July 24th. But, I probably couldn't have celebrated too much, because all the liquor stores were closed because of Pioneer Day, aka stupid Utah holiday that celebrates the Mormons' arrival in Utah. In a weird twist, on Friday I coincidentally blogged about Patron and how I couldn't stop thinking about it. It's true, I am psychic when it comes to booze.

Caitlin's boyfriend Christian calls Pioneer Day "Pie 'n' Beer Day," which sounds pretty good to me. I'll have a slice of lemon meringue and a Blue Moon, please.

In other news, we are heading to South Carolina on Wednesday, so the south had better get ready for us!

Patron/patron=coincidence? I think not.

2009-07-24T07:29:00.003-06:00

Last night, as I was writing my professional literacy statement for my summer class, I kept typing the word "patron," referring to someone who uses the library's services. But I kept thinking of this Patron:

(me typing) ...give patrons the skills to communicate effectively.. Patron? Damn, a margarita sounds good right now... anticipate the needs of the patrons... There's that Patron word again! I wonder if we have any limes...outreach to patrons...I would definitely reach out to some Patron.

**note: I am not an alcoholic, and I did finish my assignment without the aid of booze.

Fahrenheit 451

2009-07-23T08:55:00.006-06:00

Library fight riles up city, leads to book-burning demand

http://www.cnn.com/2009/US/07/22/wisconsin.book.row/index.html

Seriously?

Tonight's menu: meat wrapped in meat cooked in meat juice

2009-07-21T16:38:00.003-06:00

A couple weeks ago I tried a new recipe for pork roast. Everyone loved it so I'm making it again, but with some changes.
My recipe is based on Giada's Pancetta-Wrapped Pork Roast, but with the following changes:

I substituted chicken broth for the wine (couldn't get my bottle open, ugh) and added a little vinegar
I used jarred garlic instead of fresh cloves
Bacon instead of pancetta
Put it in the crockpot for 6 hours on low instead of the oven

My drug of choice

2009-07-16T14:29:00.004-06:00

I fell off the wagon. Not only did I fall off the wagon, but I tumbled off it and smacked my head on the ground.

After vowing to give up Coke and only drink it during visits to restaurants (which is down to only 3-5 times per month), I bought a 12-pack on Tuesday afternoon. And finished it today.

Like the enabler I am, I said to myself, "What harm is it going to do? You're working so hard at your homework; you deserve a tall icey tasty delicious cola in a frosty mug. And 12-packs are on sale at Smith's! If you get one, you'll be helping the economy by stimulating the market, while still saving money. It's a win-win situation."

After I consumed the majority of the 12-pack in less than three days, I did what all good addicts do, and tried to rationalize. "Uh, Kelby came over and had one, and I know I gave one to Christine, and I only drank half of one before it got all hot and gross in the car..."

I'll do the math: 12-pack of Cokes minus Kelby's drink, Christine's drink, and 1/2 of the hot soda=9.5 cokes in three days. And Matt and I plan on going to Cafe Rio tonight, and my pork burrito with black beans and medium sauce enchillada style with a side of guac just wouldn't be the same without a Coke.

Someone grab a dentist and stage an intervention before I become consumed with my need for cold, sugary, caffeinated beverages.

Here's a picture of me enjoying my last Coke of the 12-pack. And yes, it does taste better with a bendy straw.

Backwards

2009-07-15T08:39:00.002-06:00

As I was scanning channels yesterday I saw something that irritated me. An episode of "According to Jim" was on, and the wife/mother was sewing Halloween costumes, and she had the sewing maching facing backwards.

How could she reach the controls? And was there not a single person on set who sewed or at least knew which direction the machine should face?

Of course I had to take a picture of the screen. In this scene Jim is telling his wife, "Stop what you're doing! Don't you know your sewing machine is facing the camera instead of you? You're an idiot!"

Tonight's menu:

2009-07-13T17:04:00.001-06:00

Salmon fillets stuffed with shrimp and crab (and other stuff)

Wish me luck!!!!

As if you needed another reason to dislike Kanye

2009-07-10T14:30:00.003-06:00

Kanye West is proud of the fact that he doesn't read.

From the article:
"Sometimes people write novels and they just be so wordy and so self-absorbed"

"I am a proud non-reader of books. I like to get information from doing stuff like actually talking to people and living real life," he said.

West, a college dropout, said being a non-reader was helpful when he wrote his book because it gave him "a childlike purity."

Does he think his late mother, an English professor, would be proud of those statements? Writing on a child's level is not something to brag about. He's always been a critic of higher education (listen to his album "College Dropout" and you'll know what I mean), but to actually criticize the act of reading is really disappointing.

What a crappy role model.

dress up

2009-07-06T08:39:00.006-06:00

I need a dress for my grandparents' 50th anniversary party later this month, so I've started looking for inspiration online. I think I'll end up sewing something, unless my online class proves to be too time-consuming.

Here are my favs so far:

dresses 1-3 from Anthropologie
dresses 4, 5 from Fred Flare

Apparently it's hip to be a librarian

2009-06-30T12:13:00.000-06:00

http://www.nytimes.com/2007/07/08/fashion/08librarian.html?_r=3&pagewanted=1&ref=fashion

The things my friends do for me to cheer me up

2009-06-30T09:35:00.005-06:00

1. Ask the salesgirl at Bebe to try on the "Tina Turner" dress (complete with butt-fringe) on the mannequin in the window:

2. Pretend the dress is for your bachelorette party in Vegas and put it on hold.

3. Try on bright yellow Crocs:

4. Buy gold sequinned friendship sneakers. (photo coming soon)

Home improvement on a budget

2009-06-22T07:55:00.003-06:00

This past weekend Matt and I went to Moab to hang out with my parents and to actually get a glimpse of the sun. In case you didn't know, it's been raining constantly in Salt Lake for the past couple weeks.

On Saturday, while the dudes (Matt and my dad) went to the hardware store and did other manly things, my mom and I stopped by an estate sale in my parents' neighborhood. While I was tempted to get some of the bling-blingy Waterford Crystal, $80 was about $75 past my budget. Instead, my mom generously bought me two barstools for $2 each, since our new apartment has a little bar area.

The stools weren't in the best condition, so I washed off the wooden parts and took the seats off. My mom helped me re-cover the seats with some leftover fabric she used to reupholster her dining room chairs. I feel weird about copying her and using the same fabric, but I liked it a lot and it's treated with Scotch Guard, so it hopefully won't stain when the inevitable spill occurs.

What do you think? Hopefully there will be more home projects in the weeks to come, including a DIY headboard for our bed.

How to make a healthy meal unhealthy

2009-05-12T15:11:00.005-06:00

If you know me well, you know that I love meat, especially burgers. I've always been very anti-veggie burger, because I don't think it's right to create substitutes for delicious tasty meat.

But, my opinions on the subject changed during a visit to Costco over the weekend. Matt doesn't usually like to go to the grocery store, but he accompanied his mom and I (and Katie) on a trip to Costco, because he likes to eat the samples. One of the samples that day was of Dr. Praeger's California Veggie Burgers. I reluctantly tasted a bite, and surprisingly LOVED it!

I think the key to a good veggie burger is this: the "burger" has to realize that it is what it is--veggies. Veggie burgers that try to taste like hamburgers are shitty. But, Dr. Praeger's owns up to its veggie ingredients, and just wants to taste like veggies, not burgers.

We ended up buying a big pack of the veggie burgers, because it was about $10 for 16 patties, which are individually wrapped. I like individually wrapped meat (or faux-meat) products because it's helpful when cooking for two people; you don't have to open up a whole pack of something.

I could have served them up on buns, with a healthy side dish. Instead, I melted cheddar cheese on them, and garnished with bacon, tomatoes, and grilled portobello mushrooms, and put them on buttered and toasted buns. They were pretty awesome, if I do say so myself.

Misheard Song Lyrics

2009-05-07T19:21:00.003-06:00

Surprisingly, this is not my first blog post about a cartoon mascot for cereal.

While driving back from Greenville today, Matt and I were singing along to Elton John. I sang, "Someone saved my life tonight, Shouldn't ya there?" Matt sang, "Someone saved my life tonight, Sugar Bear."
I immediately thought of this dude:

It turns out Matt was right about the lyrics. But the real question is, why was E.J. singing about Super Sugar Crisp, or its more recent incarnation, Golden Crisp, aka MY FAVORITE CEREAL?

According to the sometimes-reliable source Wikipedia, Sugar Bear had some nemeses, the most interesting of which is "Blob" who eats pickles and soda for breakfast. Pickles and soda? That sounds like a delicious breakfast of toxic acid proportions.

Song lyrics are tricky. I remember thinking the lyrics to Creedence Clearwater Revival's song "Bad Moon Rising" were "I see a bathroom on the right hand, I see trouble on the floor." It makes total sense! I know of many public restrooms that fit the bill.

My sister thought the Steve Miller Band's song "Jet Airliner" was about a big fat woman named "Jedda Lina."

What are your favorite misheard lyrics?

everyone can go to hell.

2009-04-07T19:57:00.003-06:00

I'm in a bitchy mood, so I am apologizing in advance for this post.

Why is it that when people hear how my life is going to shit and they tell me about how their lives are wonderful? Yeah, it's cool that things are great for you, but keep it to yourself or find someone else to tell.

After hearing about Matt getting laid off, one person told us about his recent raise at work. Another told us about turning down multiple job offers in a week. Why did they find it necessary to share that information? All I want is someone to say "that sucks" or to commiserate.

It's like if someone told me their grandmother died and I said, "Oh, shitty. My grandma's doing great. In fact, she just ran a marathon and then baked me a zillion cookies and told me how much she loved me and how she planned to live forever."

So here's my warning: don't tell me about how wonderful your life is, or you'll get the middle finger.

Reading Rainbow

2009-03-19T18:38:00.004-06:00

I was looking at YouTube videos of people reading to kids to get a better idea of how to hold books, since I'm storytelling at a second grade class tomorrow. I came across this video of the Reading Rainbow intro, and Matt said, "Shows like this encouraged kids to do drugs."

And speaking of messed up TV shows from my childhood, does anyone remember Zoobilee Zoo? It was seriously effed up, and I watched it all the time.

I made Matt watch the clip of the show's intro, and he said, "If our kids ever insist on watching shit like this, I'll give them some acid and make them watch NOVA instead."

Won't he make a good father?

wardrobe wishlist

2009-03-02T11:50:00.005-07:00

Will someone take me shopping?

2009

2009-02-10T09:39:00.003-07:00

I haven't blogged in a while, so I decided to make a post about my favorite music of 2008.

Best Album: Q-Tip - The Renaissance
honorable mentions: Jamie Lidell - Jim, Atmosphere - When life gives you lemons, you paint that shit gold

Best Single:Alicia Keys - Teenage Love Affair (I know this album came out before 2008, but the single was in 2008. And it's damn catchy.)

Best Guilty Pleasure: Jonas Brothers - Burnin' Up

Most listened to Song of 2008: (tie) Justin Timberlake-Damn Girl and The Rapture - Don Gon Do It.

Most disappointing album: Death Cab - Narrow Stairs

Best Comeback: New Kids on the Block

And finally, my 25 most listened to songs of 2008. (click on it for a larger view)

Wedding Video

2009-01-22T17:29:00.001-07:00

The Great Blizzard of 2009

2009-01-20T06:47:00.004-07:00

Hey, everyone! I thought you'd all like to hear that we are alright, since I'm sure you've heard on the news that our area had a blizzard.

It snowed about half an inch to an inch in the Charlotte metro area, and everyone is freaking out. Matt and I have to laugh at all of the hysteria. People are rushing to the grocery stores and buying all of the milk, bread, eggs and other essentials. There is more panic now than there was September when the hurricane was coming.

My school is delaying class/work for two hours. All of the schools in Charlotte closed for the day.

Matt's coworker called in and said he couldn't make it to work because of the snow. Another coworker emailed him this hilarious response: "I can not believe the amount of snow you received!! I have called Mint Hill and they are sending a snow plow to help you get out! I gave them your cell number and the driver will call when he is at your house. Because of the blizzard conditions you may not be able to see him when he gets there, so stay by the phone."

It's all they are talking about on the news, and the stations are all advising that if you're driving anywhere to pack extra clothes, blankets, food, and make sure you give your loved ones an itinerary of your trip, no matter how short.

In the meantime, my loving husband decided to borrow the snow scraper from the Subaru (it has a longer handle), and forgot to put it back in the car. I think I might have to light some road flares and maybe someone will come dig me out of the snow.

I'm getting a haircut at 11 a.m., so if you don't hear from me later I may have been a casualty of the Great Blizzard of 2009; consider this an itinerary of my trip. I'm attaching a picture of the blizzard, because I'm sure it's a historic moment. After all, nothing else newsworthy is happening today, right?? After all, inaugurations happen every four years but this blizzard is a once in a lifetime event.

Love,
Brianna

Holiday Treats

2008-12-17T14:02:00.004-07:00

I will be helping my mom with holiday baking this year, so I asked Matt what treats he'd like. Since my mom always makes fancy treats like homemade fudge, carmels, and macaroons, I expected that he'd want something special, but he wanted something simple: Rice Krispies treats (RKTs).

I think RKTs are the most underrated treat. Everyone loves them, they are easy and cheap to make, but around the holidays people tend to labor over fruitcakes, pumpkin rolls, and other complicated treats.

Maybe Matt's love for RKTs has something to do with the fact that we live in Rock Hill, the same town as Vernon Grant, the artist who created Snap, Crackle, and Pop.

Jobs I considered applying for...

2008-11-20T17:18:00.003-07:00

Looking for the next female pop star-- Do you have a great voice, Can deliver strong vocals, do you have personality and the look? If so we want to talk to you ...

Fudge Demonstrators -- Fudge Company seeks responsible and outgoing individuals to pass out free samples and promote our fudge products at Costco and Sams Wholesale Club's. Earn that extra money for Christmas and the holidays.

Earn Money for Your Plasma Donation! --We are also looking for people interested in being immunized against Rabies or Anthrax.

I think the most noteworthy thing about the last ad is that it asks that donors be vaccinated against Hepatitis B. Are the needles used?? And would they have to give me Rabies or Anthrax in order to test the effectiveness of the immunizations? Yikes. That's almost as bad as the apostrophe errors in the second ad.

Things I've done instead of writing a paper

2008-11-11T13:43:00.006-07:00

1. Made iced tea (3 bags of Green Tea with mango, 3 bags of Green Tea with raspberry)
2. Went to Hobby Lobby and walked around aimlessly
3. Bought groceries
4. Drank 4 glasses of aforementioned iced tea
5. Googled pictures of cute puppies
6. Made a mix called "chillaxin"
7. Peed like a million times because of the iced tea
8. Blogged
9. Ate some mini-Reeses cups
10. Looked up recipes for lettuce wraps akin to those at PF Chang's
11.Plucked eyebrows
12. Filled in tiny bald spot in eyebrows with an eyebrow pencil

John C. Campbell Folk School

2008-11-10T08:04:00.003-07:00

I see billboards for this school along the highway, so I decided to Google it. I think I need to go there!! The classes are week-long or weekend-long. I want to take these classes/programs: beads, book arts, calligraphy, felt making, glass, jewelry, KALEIDOSCOPES, knitting, needlework and thread arts, paper arts, sewing, and writing.

The school is about 4.5 hours away.

AHHH!! I could do arts and crafts all day long. Why didn't I hear about this earlier?

P.S. Did you know that I used to collect kaleidoscopes?

sweet dreams are made of these

2008-11-05T16:51:00.002-07:00

Will someone buy me this bed, please? It's only $15,000.

Election hangover aka America loves Obama and hates the gays

2008-11-05T06:56:00.006-07:00

All of the campaigning is finally over. The Presidential election results weren't much of a surprise, but two statewide votes have angered me.

Arkansas voted to ban unmarried couples from adopting or becoming foster parents. You are probably saying to yourself, "ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME!??!!?" But no, I am not kidding. The measure was created to fight what Arkansas officials are calling "the gay agenda," but I just see it as another way to discriminate. Most states have a hard enough time finding foster parents, so why would a state limit those resources even more? I'd much rather see a child raised by a gay couple in a committed relationship than crack-addicted parents. Another facet that most people aren't looking at: the measure doesn't just apply to gay couples--it also applies to straight couples who aren't married.

And this is the state that gave us Bill Clinton, someone who is notorious for having a moral compass that isn't exactly due North.

Also in the anti-gay news, California voted to "define marriage," which will in turn eliminate legal gay marriage in the state. Arizona and Florida did the same, but gay marriage was not legal in those states so it was an unnecessary amendment.

Here's my plan to fix the "economic crisis": legalize gay marriage. Most of the gay people I know who are in committed relationships would throw extravagant weddings, spending tons of money, "stimulating" the economy. I'm just sayin'.