The Shoes of Childhoods Past

Shoes from my childhood I wish I had now in my current size:

Neon colored high tops that I called my "Punky Brewster shoes." I might be able to achieve this look by getting some neon Nike Dunks. But, didn't Punky wear two different shoes?

Red Doc Martens boots that my brother called "Ronald McDonald shoes." Jerk.

Plaid Converse high tops (couldn't find the right photo, so it will live only in my memory)

Jellies, which I guess are back now.

In my search history

How did the Def Leppard drummer lose his arm
Pitch Perfect
Ryan Lochte's grill
difference between sweet potato and yam
What season of Dexter did Michael C. Hall wear a wig
Anne of Green Gables
Prince Edward Island
how long to fast before cholesterol test
flavors in Dr. Pepper
how to compress multiple pictures at once

cat exercise
overweight cat
tweed jacket suede elbow patches
womens tweed jacket suede elbow patches
croque madame

Only in dreams

Last night Matt came home with the flu, so I made him take a hot shower and to go bed immediately after dinner. He wasn't tired yet, so I decided to hang out with him in the room and tell him about a weird dream I had the night before.

In my dream, I was in the hospital having a baby, and none of my friends or family came with me. During labor, I was really mad at them and yelling out how much I hated them all. When the baby finally came, I started struggling to take care of it, and somehow didn't know what to do. At first I didn't know how to feed it, and once I started feeding it I wasn't sure when to stop. Then, the baby and I were in a swimming pool and I kept forgetting to keep the baby's head above the water. (Note to anyone whose children I babysit: I will not accidentally drown or starve your child!)

After I was done telling Matt about my dream, I felt his head to see if he was still feverish. He looked up at me and said, "I know why I wasn't at the hospital in your dream. I was the baby!"

What would Freud say about that?

A short funny story

When my cousin got getting married in 2007, I had to return to my childhood church. My sister and I were dreading going to the church (that's a story for another day), and had a couple cocktails beforehand. Unfortunately, we got a bad case of the giggles, and it didn't help that the possibly-senile organist started playing this song before the wedding:

I don't know about you, but that song makes me think of Dracula and haunted houses. We thought it was hilarious, and my mom had to tell us to stop laughing.

Overheard at work

"Don't give me any of that Jay-Z shit. I don't know who he is, but I know he's not as good as Billy Joel."

Tollerance is always fashionable

As a longtime fan of Ellen DeGeneres, I was sad to hear about the group that launched a war against JCPenney for selecting her as a spokesperson. But, I was happy to find out that JCPenney stood by Ellen and didn't let the bullies change their selection. This made me want to immediately go buy something from JCP.

Like others my age, I'm drawn to yuppie stores like Anthropologie and H&M, but JCPenney has stepped up their clothing selection lately and has some really cute (and affordable) stuff. Here is a collection I curated for the other young professional gals:

Colorblock ballet flats: $30
I think these are a steal, and love both of the color combos. They would be a great way to spice up a basic work outfit.

Red Skinny Jeans, $25

Necklace, $30

Belted High-waist skirt, $25
This style is flattering on almost anyone, and I like the colored options.

Printed Espadrilles, $35
I think these would look great with the colored skinny jeans or the green pencil skirt (above)

Ruffle dress, $35
I want this for work.

Purse, $47.92

How to win friends

Last August I left a job where I had a good group of friends. I wasn't 100% in love with the tasks at my former job, but the people there made it hard for me to leave. But, I was enticed with a new opportunity, and thought, "Hey, I can make some friends there!" WRONG.

I have been here almost six months, and do not have any work friends yet. I say "yet," because I am still grasping onto the hope that one day I will have that special someone (a friend) at work, who will ask about my weekend or be willing to go to the cafeteria for a cup of fro-yo. As an added challenge, most of the people on my team are my parents' ages or older, so I have limited interaction with people in my own age group. The people my age are on different teams, so I rarely have reasons to talk to them.

I've come to the conclusion that making friends as an adult is just like dating. There are people in the office whom I'd like to be friends with, and it's sort of like having a crush. But, my awkward attempts at friend-making have so far been fruitless. Here is my list of friend-making tactics:

1. Make treats. This worked at my last job. It's sort of like buying your friends, but I thought it would give people an excuse to talk to me. I thought it would go like this:
Coworker: "You made these cupcakes? They are life-changing! What else do you like to do? Let's be friends!"
It really went like this:
Coworker: (silently takes a cupcake and goes back to her desk to eat it.)
Me: (peeks over the cubicle wall to see how many cupcakes are left. Five are missing. I wonder who ate them. Did they like them? Shit, I bet the frosting is too thick. WHY DID I MAKE CUPCAKES AGAIN!!?!! I am pathetic.)

2. Offer compliments. People like compliments, so I thought this would work. But, I have to be selective in doling them out so I don't sound like a creep.

3. Act interested. Matt says this is the key to making friends--find out something about the person, act interested, and then ask the person to tell you more. The trick is finding out something about the person. It's harder than it looks, you guys! This is what happened when I tried the tactic:
Me: (looks at coworker's Pittsburgh Steelers lunchbox in the breakroom) So you're a Steelers fan?
Coworker: Yes.
Me: Oh, cool. My husband lived in Pittsburgh when he was a kid, so he likes the Pittsburgh teams. Are you a Penguins fan, too?
Coworker: No.
Me: Are you from Pittsburgh?
Coworker: No.
---end of conversation---

4. Make conversation when there are awkward silences. I know a lot of weird stories and anecdotes, so I thought this would be easy. Apparently I suck at this, but I'm really good at making things awkward for everyone. A few weeks ago I went to a team lunch, and the conversation topic turned to how people in the south speak. I love this conversation because I lived in the south and I like linguistics, but I made the fatal flaw of not knowing my audience.

I said, "You know, the way they speak is actually pretty sophisticated. 'Y'all' is singular and 'all y'all' is plural, and regular English doesn't have both a singular and a plural genderless pronoun. We just say "you" whether it's one person or many."

It was a total conversation killer. I felt like Ben Stiller's character in basically every Ben Stiller movie--hopelessly awkward and always saying the wrong thing.

5. Wait for a new person to get hired, and offer to take the fellow friendless newbie to lunch. This hasn't happened yet.

6. Participate. You want me to help with your fundraiser? You need people on the company soccer team? I'm in! Unfortunately, these opportunities haven't come up. Since I'm a consultant, I don't get to participate in most of the company benefits, like the onsite exercise classes or tutoring at the elementary schools (the tutoring makes no sense to me, since it's volunteer work).

7.  Broaden my horizons. There are a couple ladies who are probably double my age, but talk about knitting and sewing. They are pretty awesome, but already have office friends who are their own ages.

8. Ascend the ranks in the company so I can hire all of my friends. I'm currently working on this one.

So, what are your kind words of advice? I don't want to reek of desperation, but I am so tired of eating lunch alone. Or, should I just say "screw 'em"? I already have a group of friends outside of work who can appreciate my weirdness. Has anyone else been in this situation?