The Shoes of Childhoods Past

Shoes from my childhood I wish I had now in my current size:

Neon colored high tops that I called my "Punky Brewster shoes." I might be able to achieve this look by getting some neon Nike Dunks. But, didn't Punky wear two different shoes?

Red Doc Martens boots that my brother called "Ronald McDonald shoes." Jerk.

Plaid Converse high tops (couldn't find the right photo, so it will live only in my memory)

Jellies, which I guess are back now.

In my search history

How did the Def Leppard drummer lose his arm
Pitch Perfect
Ryan Lochte's grill
difference between sweet potato and yam
What season of Dexter did Michael C. Hall wear a wig
Anne of Green Gables
Prince Edward Island
how long to fast before cholesterol test
flavors in Dr. Pepper
how to compress multiple pictures at once

cat exercise
overweight cat
tweed jacket suede elbow patches
womens tweed jacket suede elbow patches
croque madame

Only in dreams

Last night Matt came home with the flu, so I made him take a hot shower and to go bed immediately after dinner. He wasn't tired yet, so I decided to hang out with him in the room and tell him about a weird dream I had the night before.

In my dream, I was in the hospital having a baby, and none of my friends or family came with me. During labor, I was really mad at them and yelling out how much I hated them all. When the baby finally came, I started struggling to take care of it, and somehow didn't know what to do. At first I didn't know how to feed it, and once I started feeding it I wasn't sure when to stop. Then, the baby and I were in a swimming pool and I kept forgetting to keep the baby's head above the water. (Note to anyone whose children I babysit: I will not accidentally drown or starve your child!)

After I was done telling Matt about my dream, I felt his head to see if he was still feverish. He looked up at me and said, "I know why I wasn't at the hospital in your dream. I was the baby!"

What would Freud say about that?

A short funny story

When my cousin got getting married in 2007, I had to return to my childhood church. My sister and I were dreading going to the church (that's a story for another day), and had a couple cocktails beforehand. Unfortunately, we got a bad case of the giggles, and it didn't help that the possibly-senile organist started playing this song before the wedding:

I don't know about you, but that song makes me think of Dracula and haunted houses. We thought it was hilarious, and my mom had to tell us to stop laughing.

Overheard at work

"Don't give me any of that Jay-Z shit. I don't know who he is, but I know he's not as good as Billy Joel."

Tollerance is always fashionable

As a longtime fan of Ellen DeGeneres, I was sad to hear about the group that launched a war against JCPenney for selecting her as a spokesperson. But, I was happy to find out that JCPenney stood by Ellen and didn't let the bullies change their selection. This made me want to immediately go buy something from JCP.

Like others my age, I'm drawn to yuppie stores like Anthropologie and H&M, but JCPenney has stepped up their clothing selection lately and has some really cute (and affordable) stuff. Here is a collection I curated for the other young professional gals:

Colorblock ballet flats: $30
I think these are a steal, and love both of the color combos. They would be a great way to spice up a basic work outfit.

Red Skinny Jeans, $25

Necklace, $30

Belted High-waist skirt, $25
This style is flattering on almost anyone, and I like the colored options.

Printed Espadrilles, $35
I think these would look great with the colored skinny jeans or the green pencil skirt (above)

Ruffle dress, $35
I want this for work.

Purse, $47.92

How to win friends

Last August I left a job where I had a good group of friends. I wasn't 100% in love with the tasks at my former job, but the people there made it hard for me to leave. But, I was enticed with a new opportunity, and thought, "Hey, I can make some friends there!" WRONG.

I have been here almost six months, and do not have any work friends yet. I say "yet," because I am still grasping onto the hope that one day I will have that special someone (a friend) at work, who will ask about my weekend or be willing to go to the cafeteria for a cup of fro-yo. As an added challenge, most of the people on my team are my parents' ages or older, so I have limited interaction with people in my own age group. The people my age are on different teams, so I rarely have reasons to talk to them.

I've come to the conclusion that making friends as an adult is just like dating. There are people in the office whom I'd like to be friends with, and it's sort of like having a crush. But, my awkward attempts at friend-making have so far been fruitless. Here is my list of friend-making tactics:

1. Make treats. This worked at my last job. It's sort of like buying your friends, but I thought it would give people an excuse to talk to me. I thought it would go like this:
Coworker: "You made these cupcakes? They are life-changing! What else do you like to do? Let's be friends!"
It really went like this:
Coworker: (silently takes a cupcake and goes back to her desk to eat it.)
Me: (peeks over the cubicle wall to see how many cupcakes are left. Five are missing. I wonder who ate them. Did they like them? Shit, I bet the frosting is too thick. WHY DID I MAKE CUPCAKES AGAIN!!?!! I am pathetic.)

2. Offer compliments. People like compliments, so I thought this would work. But, I have to be selective in doling them out so I don't sound like a creep.

3. Act interested. Matt says this is the key to making friends--find out something about the person, act interested, and then ask the person to tell you more. The trick is finding out something about the person. It's harder than it looks, you guys! This is what happened when I tried the tactic:
Me: (looks at coworker's Pittsburgh Steelers lunchbox in the breakroom) So you're a Steelers fan?
Coworker: Yes.
Me: Oh, cool. My husband lived in Pittsburgh when he was a kid, so he likes the Pittsburgh teams. Are you a Penguins fan, too?
Coworker: No.
Me: Are you from Pittsburgh?
Coworker: No.
---end of conversation---

4. Make conversation when there are awkward silences. I know a lot of weird stories and anecdotes, so I thought this would be easy. Apparently I suck at this, but I'm really good at making things awkward for everyone. A few weeks ago I went to a team lunch, and the conversation topic turned to how people in the south speak. I love this conversation because I lived in the south and I like linguistics, but I made the fatal flaw of not knowing my audience.

I said, "You know, the way they speak is actually pretty sophisticated. 'Y'all' is singular and 'all y'all' is plural, and regular English doesn't have both a singular and a plural genderless pronoun. We just say "you" whether it's one person or many."

It was a total conversation killer. I felt like Ben Stiller's character in basically every Ben Stiller movie--hopelessly awkward and always saying the wrong thing.

5. Wait for a new person to get hired, and offer to take the fellow friendless newbie to lunch. This hasn't happened yet.

6. Participate. You want me to help with your fundraiser? You need people on the company soccer team? I'm in! Unfortunately, these opportunities haven't come up. Since I'm a consultant, I don't get to participate in most of the company benefits, like the onsite exercise classes or tutoring at the elementary schools (the tutoring makes no sense to me, since it's volunteer work).

7.  Broaden my horizons. There are a couple ladies who are probably double my age, but talk about knitting and sewing. They are pretty awesome, but already have office friends who are their own ages.

8. Ascend the ranks in the company so I can hire all of my friends. I'm currently working on this one.

So, what are your kind words of advice? I don't want to reek of desperation, but I am so tired of eating lunch alone. Or, should I just say "screw 'em"? I already have a group of friends outside of work who can appreciate my weirdness. Has anyone else been in this situation?

Reverse bucket list

I saw an article online where the author compiled a "reverse bucket list," or a list of things you never want to do before you die, and I thought it was a great idea. I'm sure you all know by now that I love making lists, so here's mine (subject to change):

1. Run a full marathon. A lot of people probably put this on a real bucket list, but it sounds like my nightmare.
2. Go skydiving. I've accepted my fear of heights and do not want to face it.
3. Visit Antarctica.
4. Resort to cannibalism because of a crazy disaster situation.
5. Give up carbs, caffeine, or sugar.
6. Go to Burning Man.
7. Couponing.
8. Be on a reality show.
9. Own a taxidermied animal.
10. Witness the miracle of childbirth. I just don't want to see that.
11. Become an Alaskan King Crab fisherman/woman.
12. Go to a country music concert. Exception: Dolly Parton, because she is awesome.
13. Climb Mount Everest. I am reading "Into Thin Air," and all the frozen dead bodies up there freaks me out.
14. Read any more books by James Joyce. I had to read Finnegans Wake, Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man, and Ulysses in college, and hated them. I know they are considered classics, but I had a hard time getting through them. Sidenote: James Joyce has an amazing full name: James Augustine Aloysius Joyce.
15. Live in a basement apartment. Again.
16. Take a picture of those stupid towel animals they put on your bed on cruise ships and put it on Facebook.
17. Go shopping at midnight on Black Friday.
18. Own a reptile, amphibian, or rodent as a pet.
19. Visit a third world country. Bonus item: take a picture of myself holding a malnourished child while visting the third world country.
20. Wait in line to buy something. iPhones are cool, you guys, but do you really need to wait in line to buy one?

What is on your list?

Holiday Shopping

As the child of small business owners, I feel compelled to jump on the "buy local" bandwagon. It's something my dad has been preaching for quite a while; the license plate of his truck even says "LOCL1ST."

So, to help with your holiday shopping, I've assembled a list of some gift ideas that you can get at my favorite local stores here in Salt Lake City.


Gift idea: sunglasses
Image Eyes Optical, 2008 South 1100 East  Salt Lake City, UT
Matt and I get all of our glasses and sunglasses here. They have really unique styles, and the staff is always really helpful at selecting a frame that looks good on your face.


Gift idea: sewing machine, sewing classes, gift card
Nuttalls Sewing Center, 4742 S 900 E  Salt Lake City, UT
I was introduced to this store last year when Matt got me a new sewing machine for Christmas. Not only do they have a really great selection of sewing supplies and fabric, but their staff is really helpful and nice. I've had a couple bad experiences at a chain fabric store where the staff was really condescending and rude; I assume it is because I'm young. One time, a sales lady even suggested that I select an easier pattern. How would she know the level of my sewing ability!?! But, that won't happen at Nuttalls! They are always willing to help select a fabric and give advice about a particular pattern or problem you have with your sewing. Bonus: if you buy a sewing machine there, they give you free classes!

Gift idea: books, notebooks, unique stationary
Sam Weller's Bookstore, 254 S. Main Street, Salt Lake City, UT
As a librarian, one of my favorite things is introducing people to books I love. This is probably my favorite bookstore in the city, because of its location and selection. Bonus: there is a Coffee Garden kiosk inside, so you can get a tasty coffee while you're there. When I'm in Moab, I go to Arches Book Company. They have a good selection of local books, which I've given to my in-laws a couple times (they live in South Carolina and like the Utah-themed coffee table books), best sellers, and cool greeting cards.

Gift idea: gift certificate for a massage
Healing Mountain Massage School, 363 S 500 E #210  Salt Lake City, UT
This is a great gift for someone on a budget; you can get a one-hour massage for around $30. The students always do a great job, and the environment is really relaxing. Warning: once you get a massage, you will get addicted and want to get massaged all of the time.

Gift idea: mix CD
Graywhale, 208 S. 1300 E, SLC
This is a classic gift, in my opinion, and it's also good for someone on a budget. Did you know that you can buy MP3s from Graywhale's website? I just found this out! Sometimes the albums are cheaper than iTunes, too. You can buy the physical CD at their store, or be more modern and download the MP3s and put your playlist on a thumb drive (which you can buy at my parents' office supply store--shameless plug).



Gift idea: gourmet food basket (cheese, nuts, crackers, those big summer sausages, honey, jam, etc.)
Harmon's, 7755 South 700 East, Midvale, UT; other various locations in SLC area.
Harmon's is my favorite grocery store for one main reason: the cheese bar. The cheese bar in the Midvale store carries lots of different kinds of cheese, including cheese made by a local cheese company, Beehive Cheese Co, that is ridiculously good. My favorite is the apple walnut smoked cheese, with the rosemary cheddar and SeaHive (sea salt, honey, and cheese--holy crap this is good) coming in a close second and third. The staff will let you taste things and is really knowledgeable about the products. In fact, I bought the apple walnut cheese after one of their staff recommended it. This grocery store also has a good selection of olive oils, vinegars, nuts (Nutty Guys brand, another local company), as well as any other grocery item you might need.

Other good stores for assembling your food basket:
Liberty Heights Fresh, 1290 South 1100 East  Salt Lake City, UT.
I think they will even make the gift basket for you! They have really unique items, like fancy ketchups and chocolates and sodas. Some of their items are sort of pricey, but you will find things there you won't see in other stores. I heard a rumor that they have a $1,000 bottle of vinegar that is a billion years old or something like that.
Tony Caputo's, 314 West 300 South, Salt Lake City, UT
If you don't know this restaurant/market and you live in Salt Lake, you've probably been living under a rock. They have a great selection of cheeses, chocolates, pastas, jams, olive oils, vinegars, etc. I've always found the staff to be very helpful, too.
Bonus: while you're there, you can yourself a meatball sandwich. 

Gift idea: food class 
Tony Caputo's, 314 West 300 South, Salt Lake City, UT
While I'm on the topic of Caputo's... My sister's boyfriend's brother (are you with me?) gave them a chocolate tasting class one year for Christmas. I thought it was a genius idea. I want to take the intro to fine cheese tasting class. YUM!

Gift idea: Teapot, infuser, and teas 
The Tea Grotto, 2030 S 900 E # 6  Salt Lake City, UT

When Matt and I lived in Sugarhouse, we would go to the Tea Grotto weekly to get their amazing green tea lattes. I like the almond flavor; Matt liked the plum. They have tons of different flavors of tea, and the staff is really knowledgeable. They also have some really unique and beautiful teapots for sale.

Gift Idea: booze
Epic Brewing Company, 825 South State Street  Salt Lake City, UT
High West Distillery, 703 Park Avenue  Park City, UT
Squatters, 147 West Broadway  Salt Lake City, UT
Matt's brother and sister-in-law gave him a case of bottled rootbeer for his birthday last year, and he declared it one of the best gifts he's received. We've since taken their lead and purchased beverages for people, like a case of local beer for Caitlin's boyfriend Christian for his birthday. Or, a single bottle of booze can be a great gift, especially if it's a more expensive bottle that the recipient wouldn't normally buy for himself/herself. I think you can get all of the brands listed above at Utah liquor stores, too. You could even pair your gift with some beer mugs or highball glasses.


Or, if you want to give the gift of office supplies, stop by my parents' store!


What are your favorite local stores?

So we're drinkin' drinkin' drinkin' drinkin' Coca coca cola

I have tried to give up drinking Coke many times. I think my longest streak without a relapse was 10 days (wow, I sound like an alcoholic or drug addict). They say it takes about 18 tries for people to give up smoking, so I see my failed attempts at giving up Coke not as failures, but as events on the path of quitting. Right now I am currently on day 4 without any Coke.

I decided that this time, instead of saying "no Coke ever again," I'd allow myself to imbibe in the occasional soda. My original plan was to only drink it when I was at a restaurant, but I soon found myself eating out several times a week in order to get my fix. I think soda is okay in moderation, so I decided this time to allow myself to have a Coke every once in a while.

Here are some tips I have if you also want to stop drinking soda:

1. Find an alternative. Let's be honest, you don't always want to drink water. I really like Honest Tea's Pomegranate White Tea with Acai. It sounds snooty, but it's the right amount of sweet and healthy with lots of antioxidants. I also love their Half and Half, an Arnold Palmer. These are good options if you are like me and do not eat/drink anything with artificial sweetener (aside from the scant amounts of swallowed toothpaste). If you like iced tea, that also makes a good substitute.

2. Do not watch Coke commercials. A couple years ago there was a commercial that just showed a Coke being poured into a frosty glass. It killed me.

3. Eat really delicious food and savor each bite. If your meal is really flavorful and tasty, you won't really miss Coke that much.

4. If you work in an office with vending machines, leave all cash and change at home. If you need change for parking, leave it in your car.

5. Get the rest of your household on board, and don't keep soda in the house. Matt stopped drinking soda a couple years ago, so we rarely have it in the house. If I have a soda, he will sometimes have a drink of mine. He claims that one drink satiates his craving. I think he's crazy.

6. Don't eat fast food. The value meals come with a soda, which makes it really hard to say "no."

7. Look at the numbers. If I spend $1.25 a day (the price of a Coke in the work vending machine), that adds up to $325 a year. And some days, I had two or three sodas a day. 

8. Think of your body. You will probably lose weight by giving up soda.

9. Stay busy. On my busiest days at work I don't have time to get a Coke, and I don't even notice that I haven't had one.

10. Get some cheerleaders. Matt is pretty good at keeping me from falling off the wagon. Make sure you tell your loudest and most aggressive friends, because they'll be the ones who say, "I thought you were giving up soda..?"

Good luck!

Life's too short to watch bad movies

I used to think I had to finish everything I started, including bad books and movies. But recently, I decided that if I don't like something, I don't have to finish it. Time is a luxury I don't always have, so I choose to spend it wisely.

Here are a few movies I stopped watching after 15-40 minutes (you may notice a trend with these; I'm not the biggest fan of chick flicks):
The Backup Plan
Eclipse
The Bounty Hunter
Life As We Know It
The Ugly Truth

Two of those movies star Katherine Heigl. Her characters seem to always irritate me. They're usually clumsy and socially dumb and she always has this bewildered/goofy/golden retreiver look on her face.

If the character is successful and attractive, she also has to be socially retarded and get into ridiculous situations. It's like the female version of every Ben Stiller character. Examples: Katherine Heigl's characters in "The Ugly Truth" and "27 Dresses," Mandy Moore's character in "Because I Said So," J-Lo in "The Wedding Planner," Sandra Bullock in "The Proposal" and "While You Were Sleeping," Amy Adams in "Leap Year," etc.

While I'm on the topic of Katherine Heigl, she is set to star in "One for the Money," an adaptation of Janet Evanovich's book by the same name. I'm a Janet E. fan, having read the first few books in the Stephanie Plum series, but I would not have chosen Heigl for the role of Stephanie. For those who've read the series, here is my dream cast:

Stephanie Plum: Mary McCormack

Mary McCormack is probably about 10 years too old for this role (but I think she could totally pass for a 30-something), but she's the person I picture in my head when reading these books. She seems ballsy but also attractive and girl-next-door-ish. For some reason I thought the character Stephanie was blonde, but Wikipedia is telling me otherwise.

Joe Morelli: Adam Rodriguez

I know Morelli is supposed to be Italian, but I see him as "guy from CSI: Miami" (that's what I Googled to find his name/picture).

Lula: Yvette Nicole Brown

The movie has Sherrie Shepherd in this role, and I think she'll probably do a pretty good job. But, every time I watch "Community," I think Yvette Nicole Brown could play just the right amount of crazy as the prostitute-turned office worker, Lula.

Grandma Mazur: Ann Morgan Guilbert

I had to make sure she was still alive before I suggested this actress. Remember the sitcom "The Nanny"? The character of Grandma Yetta was nearly identical to Grandma Mazur. It's a role Betty White is also thrust into--sweet and crazy Grandma who sometimes makes inappropriate comments. Note: this is how I will dress when I'm old. Bring on the bling!

Vinnie: a short, fat, Italian actor

I can't think of the name of the guy I'd cast as Vinnie, but he'd look nothing like the guy actually starring in the movie.

I guess I really went off on a tangent, but now you know my true feelings about chick flicks and the cast of "One for the Money." Now the cast of "Hunger Games," that's another story.

Were these people conscious in the 90s?

I take 90s music seriously, and have noticed some glaring omissions on VH1's list of 100 Greatest Songs of the 1990s.

While I may not be a music expert, some of the songs I remember best from that decade weren't even listed! Here are my additions:


Boyz II Men - Water Runs Dry, Motownphilly, or End of the Road
Boyz II Men and Mariah Carey - One Sweet Day (This one baffles me)
Cardigans - Lovefool (I owned every Cardigans album)

Janet Jackson - That's the Way Love Goes, If, Together Again, anything really. Janet was still big in the 90s.
NKOTB - Step by Step
The Verve - Bitter Sweet Symphony
Bush - Everything Zen
Madonna - Take a Bow, Ray of Light
Blind Melon - No Rain
No Doubt - Spiderwebs, Just a Girl
R. Kelly - Bump n' Grind, I Believe I Can Fly
Foo Fighters - Big Me (you all remember the Mentos-inspired video), Everlong (my wedding song), or My Hero
Chumbawamba - Tubthumping
Smashing Pumpkins - 1979, Disarm, Tonight Tonight, or Bullet With Butterfly Wings
Blink 182 - All the Small Things
Savage Garden - I Want You, Truly Madly Deeply (this is for Caitlin)
Lauryn Hill - Doo Wop (That Thing) 
Snoop - Gin n' Juice
Nine Inch Nails - Closer
Garbage - I'm Only Happy When it Rains, Stupid Girl
Aerosmith - Cryin', Crazy, I Don't Wanna Miss a Thing (It also surprises me that this one wasn't listed)
Bone Thugs-n-Harmony - Crossroads
Michael Jackson and Janet Jackson - Scream
Mariah Carey - Fantasy

and last but not least...
Guns N' Roses - November Rain


WTF, VH1?

Awesome Takes Practice!

Matt's work had a book drive recently, and someone donated this gem: Anybody Can Be Cool...But Awesome Takes Practice. He and his coworker had a good laugh at the book's daily affirmations and the wannabe Zack Morris guy on the cover. When he pulled up the book on Amazon to show me, I nearly died when I saw the amazing reviews. This one is my favorite:

"For years, I struggled with meager coolness until I read this book. Now with my new-found knowledge and my "I am awesome" shirt, all the ladies want to get with me. It may look like they're just laughing and pointing, but I know that they truly find me irresistible. Since I've modeled my hair and clothes from the book cover, everyone thinks I'm Zack from Saved by the Bell. It just doesn't get anymore awesome than that. Oh yeah" 

The book sounds like something a teenaged Barney Stinson would read and put into practice. To quote Barney, "When I get sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead. True story." While Barney's statements may sound superficial, I think they are great reminders of how you should focus on your positive qualities, and try to be your best awesome.

I was astounded that someone would want to get rid of such an amazing cultural object, but then again I've been known to hoard strange books. Some people collect stamps or coins. I collect weird books. I am the proud owner of the following:


Official Guide to Disco Dance Steps
<--- A Michael Jackson picture book for children (Thanks, Aunt Claudia!)
A book about how to talk to your LDS teens about sex

Basketball for Girls, a very sexist book written in the 50s. In case you didn't know, girls can be ballers too! All of the illustrations show girls in skirts shooting hoops.

My Aunt Claudia also gave my mom an amazing book with a weird and insensitive title that I can't remember. It was either "My retarded brother" or "My brother is retarded."

For other great books, check out this site: http://awfullibrarybooks.net

My favorite past time: yelling at children

I've often wondered why my family thinks I hate children. I love spending time with my nieces, once worked as an English tutor for second graders, and I studied to be a children's librarian. I know stories, songs, craft projects, and all of the major AND minor plot-lines from the Harry Potter books. Kids generally like me.  Maybe it's because I'm sort of child-like myself. I love a good jump on the trampoline or run through the sprinklers, and own several pairs of brightly-colored sneakers.

Then, I had a stunning revelation. I yell at children who misbehave in public.

Allow me to share two stories. The first story takes place last summer, when my family came up for the Chalk Art Festival. If you haven't been, I highly recommend it. Artists spend hours drawing on the pavement in Gateway Mall, and people pay to vote on the best drawings as a fundraiser for the local foster care system. Here is one of the drawings:

At the event last year, a couple of unruly children kept running around playing grab-ass, stepping all over the drawings. I promptly scolded them, saying "You need to stop stepping on these drawings. People worked really hard on them." My family thought it was ridiculous that I said anything, but I would do it again in a second.

The most recent encounter was last weekend. Matt and I were playing tennis in one of the local parks, and a group of about eight children kept skate boarding, scooting (or another appropriate verb for riding on a scooter), and running ON THE FREAKING TENNIS COURT. My first instinct was to hit balls straight at their heads to make them go away, but I opted for the more tactful approach of nicely asking them to leave. I sweetly said, "Can you please skate somewhere else? We are trying to use this court to play tennis."

Problem solved? NO. Those little bastards kept skating around the edge of the court, and when they thought I wasn't looking, on the court. A man and his father (or a random kind old gentleman) were on the adjacent court teaching a young boy (son/grandson) to serve, and they were clearly bothered by the juvenile delinquents also. The man said, "Please don't skate here," but they still did not leave. In the meantime, I was getting more and more angry.

It was at that moment when I decided to go with my first plan of hitting them with balls. Before you judge me, please consider the impact of a tennis ball furiously lightly hit at a child. It wouldn't hurt very much, and likely wouldn't cause a concussion or the need for stitches, and it would look like an accident. Plus, they deserved it.

However, I underestimated Matt's ability to return my hits. The kids were right behind him, and when I sent some balls in their direction, he reached out his racket and returned the hits. This only added to my rage. After a couple more semi-polite comments to the kids (during which my voice got progressively louder and louder), I stopped in my tracks and looked the ringleader of the group straight in the eye and shouted said loudly, "You are being very rude right now. We are trying to play tennis. This is a tennis court, not a place to skate. You need to find somewhere else to go. NOW." Then I just stared at him with crazy eyes. I am taking some creative liberties here, because I can't remember exactly what I said. It's possible I was in a rage blackout.

Luckily, someone got video footage of my angry outburst.

It worked! The little demons went to the next court (separated by a fence) to terrorize four women playing a game of doubles...who also happened to be their mothers...who were right there the whole time, and did nothing.

Matt told me later that he was scared I would start a fight with the parents and he'd get his ass beat by the extremely large dads, who were grilling meats nearby. Maybe that is why he was playing so well, desperately running and diving for the balls I was aiming at the kids.

Moral of the story: I can use the tactic of fear to get Matt to improve his tennis game.

My new job: more than you probably want to know

Three weeks ago my life was easy. I had a job I understood and was good at, a little group of friends to go to lunch with, and a ten minute commute. Then, I decided to throw a wrench in things and take a new job in an industry I know nothing about --natural gas pipelines.

If you think a librarian has no business working with a bunch of engineers, you are wrong. Every business has data, and it is a librarian's job to organize it and make it accessible. Without revealing too many details, here is the scope of my project: the company has boxes of documents that are somewhat organized but not digitized. Currently, if you want a document, you go to the archives group and they can locate the box your document is in (hopefully), then you have to sort through files of papers to find it. Eventually, the goal is to scan these documents and put them into some sort of content management system, so users can use search criteria to find a digital version of the document.

So far, the hardest part of this transition (other than waking up an hour earlier) is the cultural change. On my first day, I tried to open my Gmail account to read a work-related article I had emailed myself, only to find the site is blocked. It is also interesting to be one of the youngest employees, as I couldn't contribute much to a conversation about colonoscopies (Me: Yeah, it's important to get those things...").

I am an independent contractor, not a permanent employee, so I often feel like the red-headed step child. The thing I'm most jealous about is the on-site gym the permanent employees are allowed to use. I have to keep telling myself that it isn't personal, and have to remind myself of the benefits of my situation.

Though today is only my 4th day of work, I do think this is the most challenging thing I've ever embarked on, including graduate school. The majority of the people on my team have a PhD, so I'm hoping I can learn from them. It's sort of like playing tennis; the best way to get better is to play against someone who is better than you....right?

Food blog!

Caitlin and I now have a blog dedicated to our cooking adventures. Check it out, friends!

Julie and Julia and me

Since now is the time for resolutions, it's time I share mine. The majority of resolutions probably have to do something with exercising or losing weight, but I'm going to go another direction. While I do have the desire to be healthier and will make an effort to exercise more, Caitlin and I have decided to each make 100 recipes in 2011, and blog about them. I'm already a step ahead of Caitlin, since I have a blog. Maybe we'll start a new one together--depends on how motivated I feel.

This goal will help me in three ways:
1. I will eat at home more often instead of going out to eat.
2. I will hone my cooking skills to an Iron Chef-like ability.
3. It will encourage me to blog more often, instead of having month-long gaps.
4. I will fatten-up Matt so the hot girls in his office won't flirt with him. (Kidding! Sort of.)

In order to make this easy on myself, I'm not really setting any rules. Caitlin made the executive decision that drink recipes should also be allowed (she's a boozer). Let's see how long it is before the inevitable happens and I, like the rest of the nation, forget about my resolution.

Craft Inspiration

I hope everyone out there in blog land had a wonderful Christmas/Hanukkah/Festivus/whatever. I know I did, partially because Matt gave me the awesome gift of a new sewing machine that also does embroidery! I am very excited to start some new crafts. First up are some new throw pillows for our couch. I re-covered the pillows that came with the couch, but no longer like that fabric. So, here are some pillows that I like and can hopefully replicate somehow (but in other colors). If you can't tell, my style is very granny.

Stupid baby names

Disclaimer: I am positive this post will offend someone, mostly because some of the offenders I refer to are my family members.

I've had a lot of friends get knocked up conceive lately, and would like to take the time to offer up some unsolicited advice about baby names. Don't pick something stupid. In Utah it is common to take a normal spelling of a name, and mess it up until it is barely recognizable. Ex: Dystini (pronounced Destiny), Naive (pronounced Navy). It's nice to be creative, but let's take it down a notch.

An acquaintance of mine gave her baby the middle name "Draco," after Draco Malfoy, a character in the Harry Potter novels. While I'm all for promoting literacy through baby names, it was a bit weird to me.

Another person I know (who I'm sure doesn't read this blog, but if she does maybe she'll benefit from this post) recently asked her Facebook friends for name suggestions for her growing fetus. Her friends suggested the following names, and they were NOT joking: Stone, Blaze, Blaize, Stetson, Tink (for a girl), Kode (Cody). I shared this with a friend, and she said I should suggest "Turd," to see the response.

Instead, I came up with this list of names: Calypso, Coolio, Scooby, Hagrid, Cletus, Rasputin, Wrangler, Adolph, Cougar, Apostrophe, Jägermeister, Chastitee, Matrix, Areola, Rambo.

Feel free to use these names for your future children! I am also very skilled at coming up with pet names. My future cat will be named "Noodles" or "Newton" (Noodles if it's a girl, Newton if it's a boy).

Here's my last bit of advice. Take your potential baby name and insert it into the following sentences to see which one works better. Don't pick a name unless it works with Sentence A, unless you are absolutely sure your baby will be an NFL player. In that case, any name goes. Ex: Plaxico, Champ, JaMarcus, D’Brickashaw, etc.

Sentence A:
"All arise! The honorable Judge **insert name** presiding."

Sentence B:
"Get your dollars ready, men! Now taking the main stage, our newest dancer, **insert name**."

I think "Tink" and "Blaize" both sound better in sentence B.

SBUX Frustration

Yesterday, a couple coworkers and I went to Starbucks. I've recently discovered the salty-sweet combo of salted caramels, and wanted it in latte form. Easy enough, I thought. Starbucks always has those ingredients on hand, right? Little did I know I would be stepping into a modern day version of an Abbott and Costello skit, where everyone would be confused and no one would understand what I am talking about.

Me: Can I get a grande salted caramel latte?
Starbucks employee: What?
Me: A grande salted caramel latte? Do you have that here?
Starbucks employee. No. We have a salted caramel hot chocolate and a salted caramel mocha.
Me: Okay, but you do have the ingredients for a salted caramel latte, right?
Employee: (asks manager) Can we do a salted caramel latte? We don't have that on the menu.
Manager: (to me) We have a salted caramel hot chocolate and a salted caramel mocha.
Me: Okay. Can you just put salt and caramel in a latte?
(Employee and Manager look at each other in confusion)
Manager: Do you want coffee in it?
Me: Yes. Espresso, steamed milk, caramel, salt.
Manager: Salted caramel mocha?
Me: I don't want chocolate in it.
(Awkward pause)
Me: Okay, can I get a salted caramel mocha WITHOUT the mocha?
Employee: Sure!