Stupid baby names

Disclaimer: I am positive this post will offend someone, mostly because some of the offenders I refer to are my family members.

I've had a lot of friends get knocked up conceive lately, and would like to take the time to offer up some unsolicited advice about baby names. Don't pick something stupid. In Utah it is common to take a normal spelling of a name, and mess it up until it is barely recognizable. Ex: Dystini (pronounced Destiny), Naive (pronounced Navy). It's nice to be creative, but let's take it down a notch.

An acquaintance of mine gave her baby the middle name "Draco," after Draco Malfoy, a character in the Harry Potter novels. While I'm all for promoting literacy through baby names, it was a bit weird to me.

Another person I know (who I'm sure doesn't read this blog, but if she does maybe she'll benefit from this post) recently asked her Facebook friends for name suggestions for her growing fetus. Her friends suggested the following names, and they were NOT joking: Stone, Blaze, Blaize, Stetson, Tink (for a girl), Kode (Cody). I shared this with a friend, and she said I should suggest "Turd," to see the response.

Instead, I came up with this list of names: Calypso, Coolio, Scooby, Hagrid, Cletus, Rasputin, Wrangler, Adolph, Cougar, Apostrophe, Jägermeister, Chastitee, Matrix, Areola, Rambo.

Feel free to use these names for your future children! I am also very skilled at coming up with pet names. My future cat will be named "Noodles" or "Newton" (Noodles if it's a girl, Newton if it's a boy).

Here's my last bit of advice. Take your potential baby name and insert it into the following sentences to see which one works better. Don't pick a name unless it works with Sentence A, unless you are absolutely sure your baby will be an NFL player. In that case, any name goes. Ex: Plaxico, Champ, JaMarcus, D’Brickashaw, etc.

Sentence A:
"All arise! The honorable Judge **insert name** presiding."

Sentence B:
"Get your dollars ready, men! Now taking the main stage, our newest dancer, **insert name**."

I think "Tink" and "Blaize" both sound better in sentence B.