How to die in seven easy steps

Step one: Borrow your 13-year-old cousin's motorized mini-bike.
Step two: Practice riding for about 10 yards or 30 seconds, whichever comes first.
Step three: Inform your cousin that you are now an expert rider.
Step four: Ask your cousin how to turn the bike up to high speed (20-30 miles per hour).
Step five: Refuse to wear a helmet.
Step six: Ride up and down the street screaming "look at me!" so your best friend* will come out and see you riding the bike.
Step seven: When your mom comes outside to yell at you, yell "chicken race" and race towards her at full speed.

*My BFF's aunt lives across the street from my two aunts, and we happened to be visiting our aunts at the same time.

13 reasons not to have children

*warning, inappropriate material may follow* (Mom, you probably don't want to read this)

I am getting sick of people asking me when we're going to have kids. That is a very personal and serious life decision, so why would I want to discuss it with mere acquaintances? I do not know why people think it is appropriate to ask such things. So, I've created some responses to the dreaded "Why don't you have kids" question that will surely make the asker very uncomfortable.

1. Oh, didn't you hear? The doctors say we're unable to have children.
2. We were going to have one, but we aborted it.
3. We don't want to bring a child into a hostile environment, considering our drug habits and porn addictions.
4. Great idea! Perhaps you can give us your thoughts on family planning since you seem so interested in the topic.
5. As appealing as it sounds to spend hours trying to push an mucus-covered eight pound object out of my vagina, while shitting myself and screaming bloody murder, I think I'll pass. And you know it doesn't go back to its original size. You know what I'm talking about.
6. Right now I'm really enjoying eight to ten restful hours of sleep, but if I ever want to change my sleep-cycle so I'm awake every two hours, I'll let you know.
7. We've decided to lead more sustainable lives and "go green," and the environmental impact of adding another person to the world is too detrimental to the cause. Children are constant drains on our limited resources.
8. Matt and I are so awesome that we think it would be unfair to have a child who couldn't live up to the legacy of his/her parents. The kid would just be a disappointment to all.
9. Statistics say it costs about $250,000 to raise a kid, and I'd rather have that money to spend on designer handbags, jewelry, and booze.
10. I don't want to give up drinking for nine months.
11. I can't keep a houseplant alive for more than a few months, and unlike a plant, a kid surely wouldn't be able to survive two weeks of neglect.
12. I've lived 25 years without stretch marks and gaining 50+ pounds, and I hope to keep it that way.
13. I want to be able to listen to gangsta rap unedited, and throw out the f-bomb as much as I want.

20 hot wedding trends for 2008, aka: 20 hot wedding trends for those who have unlimited funds, crappy taste, and no common sense.

I saw this article, and have to wonder, where do they come up with this shit?

Some examples of horrible wedding advice:
1. Black Orchids. Uh, do I really want my wedding to look like a funeral/haunted house?

5. Imaginative Favors. If I bought iPod Nanos for each guest, I would exceed my wedding budget by about $8,000. Really, who can afford that?

13. Superstar Arrivals. I'm the princess, it's MY freaking day, and I want you to carry me into the ceremony! Oh, and can you feed me some grapes and fan me, also?

16. Woodland Fantasies. Number 14 recommends a "green wedding," and just two spots down is this tasty bit of advice, which includes spray-painting trees purple. Nothin' says "I love nature" by covering a living tree with toxic chemicals.

The article also included these lovely photos...
For the bride who wants to look like the old lady in "The Others":


















For the stripper bride: