13 reasons not to have children

*warning, inappropriate material may follow* (Mom, you probably don't want to read this)

I am getting sick of people asking me when we're going to have kids. That is a very personal and serious life decision, so why would I want to discuss it with mere acquaintances? I do not know why people think it is appropriate to ask such things. So, I've created some responses to the dreaded "Why don't you have kids" question that will surely make the asker very uncomfortable.

1. Oh, didn't you hear? The doctors say we're unable to have children.
2. We were going to have one, but we aborted it.
3. We don't want to bring a child into a hostile environment, considering our drug habits and porn addictions.
4. Great idea! Perhaps you can give us your thoughts on family planning since you seem so interested in the topic.
5. As appealing as it sounds to spend hours trying to push an mucus-covered eight pound object out of my vagina, while shitting myself and screaming bloody murder, I think I'll pass. And you know it doesn't go back to its original size. You know what I'm talking about.
6. Right now I'm really enjoying eight to ten restful hours of sleep, but if I ever want to change my sleep-cycle so I'm awake every two hours, I'll let you know.
7. We've decided to lead more sustainable lives and "go green," and the environmental impact of adding another person to the world is too detrimental to the cause. Children are constant drains on our limited resources.
8. Matt and I are so awesome that we think it would be unfair to have a child who couldn't live up to the legacy of his/her parents. The kid would just be a disappointment to all.
9. Statistics say it costs about $250,000 to raise a kid, and I'd rather have that money to spend on designer handbags, jewelry, and booze.
10. I don't want to give up drinking for nine months.
11. I can't keep a houseplant alive for more than a few months, and unlike a plant, a kid surely wouldn't be able to survive two weeks of neglect.
12. I've lived 25 years without stretch marks and gaining 50+ pounds, and I hope to keep it that way.
13. I want to be able to listen to gangsta rap unedited, and throw out the f-bomb as much as I want.

National Tequila Day

I am very sad to report that I missed National Tequila Day, which was July 24th. But, I probably couldn't have celebrated too much, because all the liquor stores were closed because of Pioneer Day, aka stupid Utah holiday that celebrates the Mormons' arrival in Utah. In a weird twist, on Friday I coincidentally blogged about Patron and how I couldn't stop thinking about it. It's true, I am psychic when it comes to booze.

Caitlin's boyfriend Christian calls Pioneer Day "Pie 'n' Beer Day," which sounds pretty good to me. I'll have a slice of lemon meringue and a Blue Moon, please.

In other news, we are heading to South Carolina on Wednesday, so the south had better get ready for us!

Patron/patron=coincidence? I think not.

Last night, as I was writing my professional literacy statement for my summer class, I kept typing the word "patron," referring to someone who uses the library's services. But I kept thinking of this Patron:


(me typing) ...give patrons the skills to communicate effectively.. Patron? Damn, a margarita sounds good right now... anticipate the needs of the patrons... There's that Patron word again! I wonder if we have any limes...outreach to patrons...I would definitely reach out to some Patron.

**note: I am not an alcoholic, and I did finish my assignment without the aid of booze.

Weekend Update

We got a lot done this past weekend.

1. We went to Park City and bought my wedding band and exchanged Matt's ring for a smaller size.
2. While in P.C., we helped Kelby pick out a shirt for the wedding and some shoes.
3. We went to the liquor store to get moving boxes, and bought a 1/2 gallon of Smirnoff to start out the liquor stash.
4. We bought three more ties for the groom's dudes.
5. I started making the cupcake tower.
6. Registered for gifts at Bed Bath and Beyond.
   

I think it was a pretty productive weekend. Registering was pretty fun, because Matt kept scanning in ridiculous things to make me laugh (like a shower massager and a soap dispenser shaped like a monkey), then deleting them. Now, I have to go online to make sure all the joke scans got deleted.

We'll be leaving in less than 2 weeks to move to N.C., so I'll probably spend most of this week packing and trying to get rid of stuff.

Things I left off the list: drank beer, ate wings and pizza, watched Rushmore.

Invitation Sweatshop

Matt and I spent our morning yesterday assembling the invitations. Matt got really good at tying ribbons, which is a skill that every man should have.

I had addressed most of the envelopes last weekend, which wasn't an easy task! Doing calligraphy on 70+ invitations takes a lot of patience. But now I'm really good at writing "Mr. and Mrs. -- ------." I was opposed to addressing the invitations that way, since it seems sort of old-fashioned and a little sexist, but tradition and etiquette took precedence. I'll finish addressing the rest of the invitations when I get some addresses from Matt's family.

We'll be mailing them out on May 1, so watch your mailbox!

My tasks this week are limited, because we're flying out to South Carolina on Saturday. Here's what I hope to accomplish:
buy 100 plastic champagne glasses (probably from Zurcher's)
choose neckties for the groom's dudes
find a photographer
reserve rooms for Matt's family members
finally get a passport
start the liquor stash

The liquor task sounds funny, but we're providing our own bar, so I'm going to make weekly trips to the liquor store so I can buy the booze when it's on sale. Don't worry, Ash. I'll be sure to get us some Tarantula or Patron.