How to die in seven easy steps

Step one: Borrow your 13-year-old cousin's motorized mini-bike.
Step two: Practice riding for about 10 yards or 30 seconds, whichever comes first.
Step three: Inform your cousin that you are now an expert rider.
Step four: Ask your cousin how to turn the bike up to high speed (20-30 miles per hour).
Step five: Refuse to wear a helmet.
Step six: Ride up and down the street screaming "look at me!" so your best friend* will come out and see you riding the bike.
Step seven: When your mom comes outside to yell at you, yell "chicken race" and race towards her at full speed.

*My BFF's aunt lives across the street from my two aunts, and we happened to be visiting our aunts at the same time.

Brianna's Fall Fashion 2009

Fall finally arrived this past week. Fall is my favorite season for two reasons: cold-weather fashion and Halloween (which is fashion related because you get to dress up). Because the temperature has been dropping over the past few days, I've started to dig out all of my hats, scarves, and coats.

So, here are my fall fashion must-haves:

1. Wrist warmers

I knit these wrist warmers this week. Don't act like you're not impressed, because I know you are. Wrist warmers are the best for fall weather, because they keep your wrists toasty, and unlike mittens and gloves, you still have great manual dexterity. They're also great for chilly offices, like mine, and you look like a bad-ass biker. If you're wondering why my fingernails look so fabulous (and you probably are), it's because I gave myself a french manicure. As if you needed any more evidence of my artistic ability, try it yourself. It's very hard to paint a thin white strip on your nails left-handed.

2. Military jacket

I bought this exact jacket about a week ago, and I've already worn it twice. Military jackets are awesome because they have the formal buttons and lines, but the feminine shaping give them some soft curves. Plus, this coat has a mandarin collar so it looks great with scarves. My jacket is 100% cotton aka machine washable, which is perfect for clumsy fools like me who are likely to spill food items.

3. Suede boots

I've already posted once about these boots, but I love them. I also have some brown suede boots with a tiny wedge heel that I wear a lot in the fall and winter. But, if you get suede boots and live in a snowy city like SLC, make sure you waterproof them. I got some spray-on waterproofing crap (yes, that's the technical name for it) at The Walking Company.

4. Cardigans

I don't own this cardigan, but I wish I did. Does anyone want to give me $300? It's no secret that I wear cardigans year-round, but when fall comes around, I start to see lots of cardigans in stores, like this one (below), that I just got. It's the coolest, granniest cardigan I own because it incorporates three granny elements: flowers, lace, and gold buttons.

My fall shopping is probably done (Matt, you can now breathe a sigh of relief), but I'm taking the wool coats in to get dry cleaned today, a sure-sign that it will probably snow, since that always seems to happen when I'm coat-less.

13 reasons not to have children

*warning, inappropriate material may follow* (Mom, you probably don't want to read this)

I am getting sick of people asking me when we're going to have kids. That is a very personal and serious life decision, so why would I want to discuss it with mere acquaintances? I do not know why people think it is appropriate to ask such things. So, I've created some responses to the dreaded "Why don't you have kids" question that will surely make the asker very uncomfortable.

1. Oh, didn't you hear? The doctors say we're unable to have children.
2. We were going to have one, but we aborted it.
3. We don't want to bring a child into a hostile environment, considering our drug habits and porn addictions.
4. Great idea! Perhaps you can give us your thoughts on family planning since you seem so interested in the topic.
5. As appealing as it sounds to spend hours trying to push an mucus-covered eight pound object out of my vagina, while shitting myself and screaming bloody murder, I think I'll pass. And you know it doesn't go back to its original size. You know what I'm talking about.
6. Right now I'm really enjoying eight to ten restful hours of sleep, but if I ever want to change my sleep-cycle so I'm awake every two hours, I'll let you know.
7. We've decided to lead more sustainable lives and "go green," and the environmental impact of adding another person to the world is too detrimental to the cause. Children are constant drains on our limited resources.
8. Matt and I are so awesome that we think it would be unfair to have a child who couldn't live up to the legacy of his/her parents. The kid would just be a disappointment to all.
9. Statistics say it costs about $250,000 to raise a kid, and I'd rather have that money to spend on designer handbags, jewelry, and booze.
10. I don't want to give up drinking for nine months.
11. I can't keep a houseplant alive for more than a few months, and unlike a plant, a kid surely wouldn't be able to survive two weeks of neglect.
12. I've lived 25 years without stretch marks and gaining 50+ pounds, and I hope to keep it that way.
13. I want to be able to listen to gangsta rap unedited, and throw out the f-bomb as much as I want.

Possibly the most disgusting thing I've done all week

My thoughts a moment ago:
Damn, this lip gloss makes my lips look really good! They are so glossy. Wait a minute...I didn't put on lip gloss today. What the ...oh shit.

I had pizza grease on my lips from lunch and had been rubbing them together admiring them in the bathroom mirror for a good 20 seconds before I realized what it was.

Snow (Hey-Oh)

Little C is now back in Utah, but here are some photos of our adventures.


On Saturday, we went to the Etsy craft fair. If you don't know what Etsy is, I encourage you to check it out. It's an online site where people can sell their handmade items. Most of the stuff at the fair was overpriced, but there were some cool items. C and I have an Etsy store, but currently there are no items in it.







Later that night we went to the Blumenthal theater in downtown Charlotte to see one of our favorite authors, David Sedaris. He was really funny, and I think Cait had a good time. While we were at the event, Matt went to his grandparents' house to "help" them try out their new margarita maker.





On Sunday we went to the Southpark Mall, a big mall in Charlotte. The highlight of the trip was getting a soft pretzel. hahah.

Monday, we took the Jetta to get an oil change (fun for everyone), and planned on visiting the museums, but apparently they are closed on Mondays. But, we did get to see some freaks protesting Columbus Day. They had signs that said things like "Columbus and his men killed thousands." I was like, "come on you guys. That was like 500 years ago. Pick your battles."

On Tuesday Caitlin and I headed to the beach. We stopped in Columbia on the way to say hi to Russ and Dustin, then made our way to Folley Beach, which is near Charleston. We picked a perfect day--it was 86 degrees and sunny--but unfortunately forgot our bathing suits. While we were sitting on the coast, a stupid wave came up and destroyed my cell phone and camera, which pissed me off. It came about 20 feet closer than the other waves, and was the only wave to do so. I'll chalk it up to a freak accident, but I was still angry.



Wednesday we laid out by the pool at our apartment, and did some crafts.

I don't have photos for the rest of our week, because my camera was ruined (the pool photo was taken with Caitlin's phone) and C hasn't emailed me the photos yet.

We finally got to visit the museums on Thursday. First we went to the Mint Museum of Art. In case you didn't know, there used to be a US Mint in Charlotte, but it ceased operation after the Civil War. The building which used to house the Mint is now an art museum. I really liked the costume exhibit, but it made me angry that they had a Fendi fur coat dragging on the ground, dangling off a mannequin's arm. I think it should have been properly displayed! The art museum also had a cool Andy Warhol exhibit with a lot of his portraits and still life fruit prints (or whatever you want to call them).

After that, we went to the Mint Museum of Craft and Design. C and I both liked the jewelry exhibit, and we took advantage of the museums' hands-on craft and made brooches. I have to say that Caitlin's brooch made of paper, pipe cleaners, paperclips, staples, beads, and pom-pons was pretty sweet.

Friday was the best day for photos, because we decided to find the Blue Ridge Highway, which is allegedly one of the most scenic drives in the country. We went to Blowing Rock, NC, which was a really cool city.

This is what we would have seen, if there hadn't been a thick fog everywhere. But, it was still really beautiful with the fall colors, and we could still see for quite a while.

From Blowing Rock, we traveled to Boone, NC, home of Appalacian State University. Boone is a college town, and it had some really great little shops and restaurants. I want to spend a weekend there. We went to this store, which sells handmade items, and I got a mug for Caitlin since she'd been looking for a cool mug during the week.

After we got back from our drive up north, we went to Jim and Nick's, a barbeque restaurant. Caitlin thought this was cool, because she knows a pair of twins named Jim and Nick.

Then, in true Matt/Brianna/Caitlin style, we went home and watched an episode of The O.C. on DVD.

I'll add some photos of our drive to Blowing Rock/Boone later!

Apple Bottom Jeans, Twisters, and a question: Are the Jonas Brothers the new Hanson?

When you're friendless and unemployed, your days sort of run together, so you have to do strange things to keep it interesting. Today's task: learning the first verse to Overnight Celebrity. I didn't succeed, but I did trick Matt into thinking that I am an awesome rapper by keeping the lyrics posted on the screen (he was in the other room and could hear but not see me) while rapping. So far I know one line: Girl I see you in them Apple Bottom Jeans, chinchilla on yo back I wanna know yo name.

Today, there were tornado warnings and watches all day. I don't know the difference, except that a warning is to be taken more seriously than a watch. I guess I need to find out what to do if a tornado actually touches the ground.

The only other eventful thing that happened today: Caitlin made fun of me for liking "Burnin' Up" by the Jonas Brothers, or the "Jo-Bros" as their true fans call them. I think she said the phrase, "we need to reevaluate our friendship" in reference to me liking the song. Geeeze! It's not like I have a Jo-Bros Trapper Keeper!!

But seriously, the Jonas Brothers should be renamed "Hanson 2.0." Similarities: a trio of teen brothers, the middle one's the most popular, young girls are obsessed with them, they all need haircuts. Let's face it, "Burnin' Up" is the Jo-Bros' "Mmm Bop."


FYI, my Trapper Keeper has the cast of High School Musical on it.

.....and you thought I was joking.