Word of the day

Because we live in Utah, we see missionaries everywhere. So, Matt invented this new word for a missionary: "proselytute" (proselytize + prostitute). Pretty clever!

Welcome home, loser. Can you leave again?

I've been in San Diego for the past five days at a conference for work. I thought Matt would at least feign happiness when seeing me, but apparently he loved his bachelor days.

Me: I still slept on my side of the bed, even though you weren't there.
Matt: I slept in the middle of the bed. It was awesome! I've never slept better. I used your pillows, too.

Me: Ugh, I am at my all-time highest weight. Time to start going to the gym again.
Matt: I've lost 41 pounds! And I haven't even been working out!

Matt: (While hugging my pillow) Goodbye soft pillow. Goodbye bachelor life.

He's in touch with his feminine side

While shopping, Matt not only found some cute pants for me, but found the right size and a pair that was on sale. I was very happy, because a lot of men aren't good shoppers and he was being a great sport. Then, something happened...
(a song starts playing)
Matt: Ooohh!! It's Madonna! (starts bobbing his head) Borderline! Wait a second, it's "Open Your Heart." I know! It's the Glee cast singing Madonna! It's a remix!
Me: I think you mean "mash-up."
Matt: Yeah, it's a mash-up!

Do I need to take him to some sort of sporting event?

Jersey Shore

By now, you've all probably heard about the ridiculous show, Jersey Shore. But you don't know ridiculous until you've heard Matt give a synopsis of it.

Matt: Tookie got punched!

Me: Tookie? The former leader of the Crips who got the death penalty?

Matt: No, the girl on the Jersey Shore.

Me: I think you mean "Snookie."

Matt: Whatever. Anyway, then J-Kwon was dancing with Pauly the DJ who "beat the beat down."

Me: J-Kwon? Like "everybody in the club get tipsy" J-Kwon? The rapper?

Matt: No, the other girl on Jersey Shore.

Tookie and Snookie:

Mr. Einstein

I realized today that I've never blogged about my step son. No, Matt didn't father an illegitimate child, but he did adopt a vicious/evil/awesome cat several years before we started dating.

Meet Mr. Einstein:

He's a little cutie, but don't let that picture fool you--he's sort of a bastard. After living for years with a bachelor and learning to fend for himself, Mr. Einstein developed a hard exterior towards the outside world.

Einstein, or "Little Buddy" as Matt likes to call him, liked to bite, scratch, and cause general mischief. Everyone who has met him has a favorite Mr. Einstein story. Once, he jumped into Matt's fridge and wouldn't get out. Matt kept reaching in to pick him up, and but Einstein kept fighting back, weilding his sharp claws. So Matt did what any parent would do. He left him in there to think about what he did. Before you call the ASPCA/Humane Society, remember that Einstein was only in the fridge for a day or two couple minutes before Matt let him out.

After college, Matt was deemed an unfit parent and Einstein was made a ward of the state. He went to live with Matt's parents, who decided to de-claw him in order to ensure their own survival. Matt's brother Russ has a scar near his eye from when Einstein decided to wake him up with a paw to the face.

Matt loves to tell the story of how he once ran out of cat litter and had to use oatmeal instead, but Einstein didn't care. "He liked being a bachelor," says Matt. This past summer Einstein proved he is not picky when it comes to doing his business. When Matt's sister Katie moved to New Jersey, she cleaned out her two cats' litter box and put it by the back door. Einstein needed to use the restroom, and went in the empty (and formerly clean) litter box.

Matt also claims that if Einstein bites you, you don't need medical attention because his saliva is the H1N1 vaccine, but that's neither here nor there. (He likes to make up his own Chuck Norris-esque jokes about Mr. Einstein.)

Perhaps the funniest thing about Mr. Einstein is the fact that he is a complete sociopath, but loves being around people. If you try to pet him, he will bite you. He will rub up against your leg and look into your eyes with a cute expression, but the second you reach down to pet him he will feast on your flesh. And if there is a room of people he is always in the room, unlike the other two cats who prefer to hide in the bedrooms.

If you don't pay attention to him, he will break things. The other day, Matt and I observed that every time we talk to his parents on the phone someone in the background says "Einstein, you little fucker," or "Damnit, Einstein!" or some variation of curse words + Einstein.

That is why we were so surprised when he did this during our last visit:

He sat on Matt's lap, and did not bite when Matt pet him. Is he finally coming around? Has he forgiven his father? Einstein, just remember: Matt didn't give you up; he gave you better.

Rocky Mountain Power is ruining my life

I just had the most frustrating phone conversation of my life. The power went out at 8:50, and I had a homework assignment due at 10 p.m. The power didn't come back on until 9:45.

Luckily, Matt is in South Carolina and offered to do it for me, so I had to explain to him over the phone how to log on to the school's intranet, then listen to him read the message board postings (complete with his own smart ass remarks), then dictate my response to him.

And of course he had to make jokes the whole time. "I decided to spell her name Lissa instead of Lisa, is that okay?" and "Oops, I accidentally submitted that," and "I typed your password wrong too many times and now I'm locked out." All of those jokes followed by "you'd better be joking" from me, then "yes, hahahah" from Matt.

But, I am very grateful that my husband was willing to stay up late to help me out. I've missed him a lot the past couple days and I'm excited he's coming home tomorrow.

Taking it too far

Yesterday, I received this voicemail at work:
"Hi, I need some research as soon as possible. Please call me back when you get this."
Our phone system doesn't show caller ID for missed calls, so I frantically tried to figure out which of my clients needed research. I didn't know the guy's name, phone number, or even what research he needed. A co-worker suggested that I ask IT, and maybe they could at least get the phone number. I emailed the help desk, but they weren't able to help me.

Just when I had finally given up on finding the dude, I get this email from Matt:

Did you get my message requesting the report?

I didn't recognize my own husband's voice! I felt like an idiot.

While I appreciate his sense of humor, Matt has a tendency to take jokes too far. Christine and I used to say that Matt was playing his own game of "taking it too far" with all jokes and comments. A group can be laughing and joking around, and he'll make a highly inappropriate comment that will silence the group.

No topic is off limits, either. I remember watching the African Children's Choir sing on American Idol, and Matt made a reference to Hotel Rwanda (which we had just seen), asking if the children were Tutsi or Hutu. I'm sure the joke went a few steps beyond the line of appropriateness, but I seem to have blocked out that memory.

Another instance of "taking it too far" occurred last week. I had a headache one night last week, so I decided to take a long, hot bath. While I was relaxing in the tub, Matt knocked on the bathroom door.
"You cleaned out the bathtub before you got in, right?" he asked.
Of course I hadn't. "No. Why?"
"Oh, I started peeing in the shower. I thought you knew that," he said with a straight face.
I said something along the lines of "Are you fucking kidding me!?!!?!?/I'm going to vomit/That's the most disgusting thing I've ever heard!!" and jumped out. He waited until I started to drain the tub before he told me he was joking.

He claimed his joke was inspired by a Seinfeld episode where George pees in the shower at the gym, but for some reason I fail to have a sense of humor when I'm standing in the bathroom sopping wet with a pounding headache, fearful that I had been soaking in a tub of pee-water.

"Do the medical journals say anything about standing in a pool of someone else's urine?"
- Jerry Seinfeld (talking to George)

Reading Rainbow

I was looking at YouTube videos of people reading to kids to get a better idea of how to hold books, since I'm storytelling at a second grade class tomorrow. I came across this video of the Reading Rainbow intro, and Matt said, "Shows like this encouraged kids to do drugs."



And speaking of messed up TV shows from my childhood, does anyone remember Zoobilee Zoo? It was seriously effed up, and I watched it all the time.


I made Matt watch the clip of the show's intro, and he said, "If our kids ever insist on watching shit like this, I'll give them some acid and make them watch NOVA instead."

Won't he make a good father?