Lange Gang Christmas

All families have their own quirky holiday traditions. On the scale of "weird families" ours falls somewhere between the Bluths from Arrested Development and the Griswolds. Our traditions include: playing Christmas Bingo, drinking heavily, and the annual performance of the "Christmizzle Rap" Caitlin and I wrote in 2002. This year, we decided to mix it up a bit.

The crazy antics started when my Aunts decided that we all needed to wear hideous Christmas attire that they purchased from the local thrift store. No, the hat isn't part of the aforementioned hideous Christmas attire, it was part of my normal outfit for the day.

Matt got to wear a women's shirt with shoulder pads. I ended up with a strange rash on my neck/chest area after wearing that sweater.

Group shot:

The next day, Kelby and I discovered a new source of fun. We charged up the old Jazzy scooter my aunt used when both of her legs were broken. The scooter was fun for about five minutes, until we all started fighting over it. But since it was Christmas, we decided to be nice and take turns, each going for a spin on the scooter while talking in Stephen Hawking voices.

Caitlin riding the scooter (moments before she ran over Kelby's foot):

Kelby giving Buzz a ride on the scooter:

Our last form of entertainment was going through the stuff found in Kelby's room. My parents just got done "gutting out" (their words, not mine) Kelby's room aka "The Dungeon" (also not my words), and they found some great stuff. The best finds were: the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie soundtrack on cassette, the voicechanger (a microphone-like device that you speak into and it changes your voice to sound like a robot, baby, or monster), a realistic-looking ceramic toad, and some great clothes.

Here's Kelby modeling the safety gear found in his room:

We tried to get him to wear this clip-on tie to the bar. It would have really classed-up the joint and he would have impressed the ladies.

Also, I have a video of Kelby chugging a margarita in less than 8 seconds that I will post later. Mom and Dad were so proud! In reality, they yelled at us for laughing at him, then warned us of the dangers of alcohol poisoning.

What are your holiday traditions?

Knitting Porn aka cute overload

Aren't these the cutest little knit birds you've ever seen?

They are actually baby rattles, but I still LOVE them.

I also think the knit sock monkey "Clementine" is freaking adorable.

All of the stuff on that site is handmade, and super cute. I love the colors they use, and hope I can knit that well someday.

Four more days until Christmas

A coworker of mine commisioned some scarves for her daughter and daughter-in-law for Christmas, so here are the finished products:

I knit the body of the scarf, and crocheted the flowers. I backed them both in fleece for added warmth, and sewed on a snap to fasten it.

She asked me to make the scarves after seeing my Anthropologie knock-off. This is the Anthropologie scarf, which was over $100.

It looks a lot nicer than mine, but I think my effort was good:

Sketchy Santas

This site is hilarious.

Weekend Update: Christmas edition

This past weekend Matt and I almost finished our Christmas shopping. While we didn't get any gifts at the mall, we had a fun time there. The best moment was when we heard a man ask his young (5-6 year-old) daughter, "Who is this Lady Ga Ga person you keep talking about?"

Unfortunately we also heard an old guy let out the loudest public fart I've ever heard. We got out of that store fast.

The only stuff we got at the mall was two pair of much needed jeans for me. I had to get a size larger than usual and spent more than I wanted to on them, but I was having a very hard time finding jeans long enough for my gangly legs. As many of you readers probably know, I do not like to buy things unless they are on sale and deeply discounted. Call me a cheap ass, but I like a good deal! I was a bit disappointed about the size, but I guess I can't expect to remain the size I was when I was 18. Growing old sucks!

We ended up getting all of our gifts at stores outside the mall, and I think the recipients will be very happy. I also spent quite a bit of time using my Photoshop skills to create some hilarious (in my opinion) gifts, which will be posted after Christmas.

Here comes Santa Claus

As a child, I was always afraid of Santa. Call me a wuss, but I think I had good insticts. Think about it...
Reasons why Santa was/is creepy:
1. "He sees you when you're sleeping; he knows when you're awake." It's scary/disturbing when anyone watches you in your sleep, let alone an overweight dude wearing a fake beard. And does he see me when I'm going to the bathroom? That's embarassing.
2. He's invincible. There is no way to kill Santa.
3. He's exempt from the law. Ever heard of breaking and entering?
4. A lack of chimney doesn't stop him. He'll find a "magical way" to get into your house.

For those reasons (or maybe I was just scared), I would never sit on Santa's lap. Here's my mom's memory of Christmases past:
"My kids would never sit on Santa's lap. Brianna would stand about 3 feet away and yell her wishes. Kelby would stare at him and Caitlin would scream the whole time."

That doesn't surprise me. I've always been a screamer. But what was up with Caitlin's high-water pants? Mine were probably high-water, too, since it appears that I had them pulled up to my armpits. Hey, it was the 80s.

For another example of a creey Santa, I recommend reading David Sedaris' essay "Six to Eight Black Men."

"Listen, you might want to pack a few of your things together before you go to bed. The former bishop from Turkey will be coming along with six to eight black men. They might put some candy in your shoes, they might stuff you in a sack and take you to Spain, or they might just pretend to kick you. We don't know for sure, but we want you to be prepared." --David Sedaris

Don't make up lies or I will be forced to be an asshole to you.

I just called out a total stranger on Facebook for being a LIAR. A girl who worked with me at the library in S.C. posted a note mentioning how she met a girl named “de'Lishus,” and one of her friends responded “While I was in Rock Hill, I met two brothers named Lemangelo and an Orangelo (after their parents favorite dessert), a Fema'le and.... a Shithead.”

I then responded to the guy (who I do not know) that those were all names from a chapter in Freakonomics.

Why can't I let things go? I've stopped correcting people's grammar, but if someone says something that is obviously wrong, I can't help it. The stupid guy was probably just trying to get laid by throwing out some "fun facts," but he would have impressed her more if he told her he read it in a book, instead of claiming he actually knew the people.

(photos and names have been blacked out to protect the innocent--or ignorant in the stupid guy's case.)

Here's a copy of the page, courtesy of Amazon.com:

Annoying toys: Do you hear what I hear?

There is an unwritten rule that you must give your young nieces and nephews the most annoying gifts you can think of for all holidays and birthdays. The joys of annoying gifts are twofold: a) you get to dole out sweet revenge on your siblings, and b) it makes you popular with their offspring because annoying toys are usually fun.

Characteristics of annoying toys include (but are not limited to): toys that make loud noises, toys with intricate parts that only adults can figure out, crafts that encourage messiness, toys that move (including robots and remote controled toys), toys with flashing lights.

Here are some examples of past annoying gifts:
1. When my brother was young, our Aunt Robynn gave him a fire helmet with two annoying characteristics. It flashed brightly and had the loudest and most annoying siren. Kelby loved it, my parents hated it. I'm pretty sure they took the batteries out. Annoying gift score: B+ (because it wasn't so annoying without the batteries).
2. For our niece's third birthday, we gave her a princess outfit. While that gift seems innocent enough, she was starting preschool the next day, and Matt said, "You should wear that on your first day of school!" She didn't want to take it off, and tried wearing it everywhere. Annoying gift score: B-.
3. My mom gave my cousin Lauren a drumset when she was four. Enough said. Annoying gift score: A

4. In the early 90s, my Aunt Lani and Uncle Rod gave us an original Nintendo. The Nintendo was great fun (and still is), but was always a point of contention. Many fist-fights were started because there were three children, but only two players. To this day Caitlin blames her lack of video game skills on Kelby and I, since we never let her play. Annoying gift score: A-
5. I was the recipient of the best annoying gift: a keyboard with a microphone and tape deck. I'm sure my parents regretted giving me the gift the moment I learned how to play Backstreet Boys' songs and decided to write my own versions to annoy Caitlin, who loved BSB. I'm sure somewhere in my parents' house there is a cassette tape with my breakout hit, "I'll Never Make You Fart," a cover version of "I'll Never Break your Heart." The keyboard made a comeback last Christmas, after Caitlin and I had a few cocktails. It's the gift that keeps on giving--the gift of beautiful music, that is. Annoying gift score: A+

This Christmas I put the "annoying toy" notion aside, and tried to focus on getting fun toys that the kids will enjoy--bonus points if they happen to be annoying.

The Playskool Busy Ball Popper was listed as one of the best toys for our niece Kirin's age group, so I took a look at the reviews.


One parent said, "The music is annoying and loud. I would describe it as high pitched anime characters saying "yeah" over and over. The music actually stresses me out, and the balls flying everywhere stress my boy out."

I immediately put it on my shopping list. One kid down, one to go.

I have been wanting to buy Adisyn (the three-year-old niece) a Sit 'n Spin for a while, because I remember it being such a fun toy. Imagine my delight when I found out that they make a MUSICAL Sit 'n Spin!

One of the reviews said: "The only complaint I have ever had about this toy is that there is no way to stop the music once you press the button; you just have to let the tune finish."

Perfect! I think this will be the best Christmas ever.