13 reasons not to have children

*warning, inappropriate material may follow* (Mom, you probably don't want to read this)

I am getting sick of people asking me when we're going to have kids. That is a very personal and serious life decision, so why would I want to discuss it with mere acquaintances? I do not know why people think it is appropriate to ask such things. So, I've created some responses to the dreaded "Why don't you have kids" question that will surely make the asker very uncomfortable.

1. Oh, didn't you hear? The doctors say we're unable to have children.
2. We were going to have one, but we aborted it.
3. We don't want to bring a child into a hostile environment, considering our drug habits and porn addictions.
4. Great idea! Perhaps you can give us your thoughts on family planning since you seem so interested in the topic.
5. As appealing as it sounds to spend hours trying to push an mucus-covered eight pound object out of my vagina, while shitting myself and screaming bloody murder, I think I'll pass. And you know it doesn't go back to its original size. You know what I'm talking about.
6. Right now I'm really enjoying eight to ten restful hours of sleep, but if I ever want to change my sleep-cycle so I'm awake every two hours, I'll let you know.
7. We've decided to lead more sustainable lives and "go green," and the environmental impact of adding another person to the world is too detrimental to the cause. Children are constant drains on our limited resources.
8. Matt and I are so awesome that we think it would be unfair to have a child who couldn't live up to the legacy of his/her parents. The kid would just be a disappointment to all.
9. Statistics say it costs about $250,000 to raise a kid, and I'd rather have that money to spend on designer handbags, jewelry, and booze.
10. I don't want to give up drinking for nine months.
11. I can't keep a houseplant alive for more than a few months, and unlike a plant, a kid surely wouldn't be able to survive two weeks of neglect.
12. I've lived 25 years without stretch marks and gaining 50+ pounds, and I hope to keep it that way.
13. I want to be able to listen to gangsta rap unedited, and throw out the f-bomb as much as I want.