Julie and Julia and me

Since now is the time for resolutions, it's time I share mine. The majority of resolutions probably have to do something with exercising or losing weight, but I'm going to go another direction. While I do have the desire to be healthier and will make an effort to exercise more, Caitlin and I have decided to each make 100 recipes in 2011, and blog about them. I'm already a step ahead of Caitlin, since I have a blog. Maybe we'll start a new one together--depends on how motivated I feel.

This goal will help me in three ways:
1. I will eat at home more often instead of going out to eat.
2. I will hone my cooking skills to an Iron Chef-like ability.
3. It will encourage me to blog more often, instead of having month-long gaps.
4. I will fatten-up Matt so the hot girls in his office won't flirt with him. (Kidding! Sort of.)

In order to make this easy on myself, I'm not really setting any rules. Caitlin made the executive decision that drink recipes should also be allowed (she's a boozer). Let's see how long it is before the inevitable happens and I, like the rest of the nation, forget about my resolution.

Craft Inspiration

I hope everyone out there in blog land had a wonderful Christmas/Hanukkah/Festivus/whatever. I know I did, partially because Matt gave me the awesome gift of a new sewing machine that also does embroidery! I am very excited to start some new crafts. First up are some new throw pillows for our couch. I re-covered the pillows that came with the couch, but no longer like that fabric. So, here are some pillows that I like and can hopefully replicate somehow (but in other colors). If you can't tell, my style is very granny.

Stupid baby names

Disclaimer: I am positive this post will offend someone, mostly because some of the offenders I refer to are my family members.

I've had a lot of friends get knocked up conceive lately, and would like to take the time to offer up some unsolicited advice about baby names. Don't pick something stupid. In Utah it is common to take a normal spelling of a name, and mess it up until it is barely recognizable. Ex: Dystini (pronounced Destiny), Naive (pronounced Navy). It's nice to be creative, but let's take it down a notch.

An acquaintance of mine gave her baby the middle name "Draco," after Draco Malfoy, a character in the Harry Potter novels. While I'm all for promoting literacy through baby names, it was a bit weird to me.

Another person I know (who I'm sure doesn't read this blog, but if she does maybe she'll benefit from this post) recently asked her Facebook friends for name suggestions for her growing fetus. Her friends suggested the following names, and they were NOT joking: Stone, Blaze, Blaize, Stetson, Tink (for a girl), Kode (Cody). I shared this with a friend, and she said I should suggest "Turd," to see the response.

Instead, I came up with this list of names: Calypso, Coolio, Scooby, Hagrid, Cletus, Rasputin, Wrangler, Adolph, Cougar, Apostrophe, Jägermeister, Chastitee, Matrix, Areola, Rambo.

Feel free to use these names for your future children! I am also very skilled at coming up with pet names. My future cat will be named "Noodles" or "Newton" (Noodles if it's a girl, Newton if it's a boy).

Here's my last bit of advice. Take your potential baby name and insert it into the following sentences to see which one works better. Don't pick a name unless it works with Sentence A, unless you are absolutely sure your baby will be an NFL player. In that case, any name goes. Ex: Plaxico, Champ, JaMarcus, D’Brickashaw, etc.

Sentence A:
"All arise! The honorable Judge **insert name** presiding."

Sentence B:
"Get your dollars ready, men! Now taking the main stage, our newest dancer, **insert name**."

I think "Tink" and "Blaize" both sound better in sentence B.

SBUX Frustration

Yesterday, a couple coworkers and I went to Starbucks. I've recently discovered the salty-sweet combo of salted caramels, and wanted it in latte form. Easy enough, I thought. Starbucks always has those ingredients on hand, right? Little did I know I would be stepping into a modern day version of an Abbott and Costello skit, where everyone would be confused and no one would understand what I am talking about.

Me: Can I get a grande salted caramel latte?
Starbucks employee: What?
Me: A grande salted caramel latte? Do you have that here?
Starbucks employee. No. We have a salted caramel hot chocolate and a salted caramel mocha.
Me: Okay, but you do have the ingredients for a salted caramel latte, right?
Employee: (asks manager) Can we do a salted caramel latte? We don't have that on the menu.
Manager: (to me) We have a salted caramel hot chocolate and a salted caramel mocha.
Me: Okay. Can you just put salt and caramel in a latte?
(Employee and Manager look at each other in confusion)
Manager: Do you want coffee in it?
Me: Yes. Espresso, steamed milk, caramel, salt.
Manager: Salted caramel mocha?
Me: I don't want chocolate in it.
(Awkward pause)
Me: Okay, can I get a salted caramel mocha WITHOUT the mocha?
Employee: Sure!

Word of the day

Because we live in Utah, we see missionaries everywhere. So, Matt invented this new word for a missionary: "proselytute" (proselytize + prostitute). Pretty clever!

Let it snow!

I think I may have an undiscovered disease in which I laugh at inappropriate things. Last night we got the first big snow storm of the season, which spawned an impromptu snowball fight in the parking lot of Barnes and Noble with the nieces. Adi (4), was sitting on her dad's shoulders, and Matt tried to hit her in the stomach with a snowball, but ended up hitting her square in the face. And I laughed, and laughed.

Is it normal to laugh when an adult man hits a four-year-old in the face with a snowball? Probably not.

Wisdom, in dream form

In a dream last night, I said to Matt, "Of course life isn't fair! Why else has there been a billion seasons of Dancing With the Stars and only 2 1/2 seasons of Chappelle's Show? It's because life isn't fair."

I think my most wise and insightful quotes have all been in dreams, and not in real life.

I hate mayo

I haven't blogged in a very long time, so I thought I'd post about something that is very important to me: my hatred of mayonnaise. People think I am weird for eating deli sandwiches dry--with no condiments whatsoever--but I'm stickin' to my guns. Mayo was created by Satan himself, and the idea of consuming it makes me dry heave. 
This is how mayo makes me feel:

Last night at the Real Salt Lake game, my friend Tiff tried to convince me to eat an ear of corn that had been slathered in mayo then sprinkled with some mysterious red powder (Chili powder? Paprika? Strange Mexican cocaine?). I refused, even when she put it two inches away from my face. Instead, I chose a different Mexican treat--a churro.

I think my cooking idol, Paula Deen, would be really disappointed in me for hating mayo, but I've given it a fair chance. I taste it every couple years, and have never gotten over my aversion to it. Are there any foods you hate?

Recipe Round-up

Cooking is a relatively new hobby of mine. This probably surprises the family members who read this blog, because I have had quite a few cooking mishaps in my life and didn't cook much until the past couple years. Luckily, I was born into a family of fantastic cooks, so I have many people to call with my questions. This list includes my sister Caitlin who wants to go to culinary school for pastry arts. She is the biggest foodie I know, and her knowledge comes in handy because she can answer my questions about weird ingredients, and knows a lot about different coffees and cheeses (among other things). She's also down for trying weird food combos, and is what I call an adventurous eater.

My mom is also a wonderful cook, but she often cooks without recipes, and her measurements are usually "some," "a little bit," "a handful," etc. Cooking is like a weird instinct for her, and she always seems to know what flavors go together. She also has a gift for picking out good recipes (she did not inherit that trait from her mother, but that's a topic for another post). Lucky for me, she has a HUGE sweet tooth. She makes homemade caramel, fudge, and marshmallows each year for Christmas, and we devour them the second we get to my parents' house. She's the best person to go to when I don't understand a direction, or if I don't have a particular tool or ingredient. She also knows all these crazy substitutions for things, which comes in handy because I don't always have a fully-stocked kitchen.

A few people have asked that I share recipes that I've found on the 'net. Here are a few I've tried and enjoyed. (**NOTE: I do not claim to be a healthy eater/chef, and reserve the right to cook with the following: butter, bacon, cream, sugar, cheese, etc.)

Corn and Keilbasa Chowder
(from Rachael Ray Magazine)

Caitlin found this recipe and shared it with my mom who shared it with me. I did make a few changes though:
I only used about 1/2-3/4 c. of onions. Two onions seemed like way too much.
Though this was a Rachael Ray recipe, I added an additional teaspoon of butter to the onions while they were cooking in homage to Paula Deen.
I omitted the step that says "puree 1 cup chowder until smooth," because I couldn't find the top to my food processor.
I added 1 tsp. of jarred garlic (jarlic), per Caitlin's request.
I used about 12 ounces of keilbasa instead of 8.
Caitlin sprinkled some shredded cheddar on top of hers, and my mom used evaporated milk instead of cream. Both versions were tasty.

Chicken Empanadas
(Paula Deen)

The first time I made this recipe I followed the directions exactly as written. I've made it several times since, a bit different each time. For starters, I used puff pastry instead of the pre-made pie crust, and just rolled it a little thinner. Puff pastry was a good choice, because it made a nice flaky crust. The original recipe wasn't spicy enough for my liking, so in the second incarnation I added some cayenne and green chilies. Another time I added green onions and a can of the diced tomatoes with green chilies. Also, mine were squares instead of half-circles.

Quinoa Fried Rice
(Gina's WW recipes)

After the past two recipes, it's time for a healthy recipe, right? I don't do Weight Watchers, but this website has some tasty meals that even unhealthy eaters will love. I want to try her stuffed zucchini, the avocado mango salsa, the Asian turkey meatballs, and lots of others! Matt had a gluten-free diet for a while, so we ate a lot of quinoa. I made it several ways, but his favorites were the "fried rice" version and a southwest version (listed below). For the fried-rice style quinoa, I made it the same as the recipe, but omitted the fish oil because I didn't have any on hand, and added peas.

Southwest Quinoa

I made this one up on my own, believe it or not! I am not great at writing recipes, so bear with me. You can also substitute rice for the quinoa if you want, but it isn't as healthy.
4 servings of quinoa, cooked per package instructions (I cook mine in broth instead of water for extra flavoring)
stir in the following:
1 can of diced tomatoes with green chilies
1 can of black beans, drained
3 chopped green onions
1 diced avocado
1 squeeze of lime juice

Perfect Pound Cake
(Ree Drumond aka The Pioneer Woman)

I didn't make this recipe, but I ate it, which should count for something. My mom made it a few months ago, and rumor has it she is making it again this weekend. It was THE BEST pound cake I've ever had! Give it a try; you won't be disappointed.


What am I making tonight? I have no idea. Caitlin had the idea to make my grandma's famous plum cake (today would have been her birthday), which contains jarred plum baby food. It sounds weird, but it's very tasty.

What are your favorite recipes?

Quote of the day

My coworker, during a discussion on the sanctity of marriage:

"The only good thing about that [polygamy] is polygamists are ugly people anyway, so no one is missing out."

Welcome home, loser. Can you leave again?

I've been in San Diego for the past five days at a conference for work. I thought Matt would at least feign happiness when seeing me, but apparently he loved his bachelor days.

Me: I still slept on my side of the bed, even though you weren't there.
Matt: I slept in the middle of the bed. It was awesome! I've never slept better. I used your pillows, too.

Me: Ugh, I am at my all-time highest weight. Time to start going to the gym again.
Matt: I've lost 41 pounds! And I haven't even been working out!

Matt: (While hugging my pillow) Goodbye soft pillow. Goodbye bachelor life.

Listomania

Once upon a time I made a goal of reading all the books on The Modern Library's list of 100 Best Novels of All Time. Then, I realized that the list doesn't contain many of the books I consider to be the best novels of all time (To Kill a Mockingbird, The Outsiders, Their Eyes Were Watching God, Beloved, The Color Purple, etc.). Some of those books are on the "Reader's Picks" list, as well as some other authors that were overlooked by the Modern Library's Board, such as Ayn Rand.

What do all of those excluded books have in common? They were all written by women! Is the board sexist? I think so. J.K. Rowling at least deserves an honorable mention! Jane Austin and the Bronte sisters are missing from the list because it only includes books published after 1900. But, I find it hard to believe that some of the others aren't included.

I also have a beef with Rolling Stone's list of The 500 Greatest Songs of All Time. They put Tiny Dancer as number 397, and I think it clearly belongs in the top 10.

Note to all listmakers: please consult me first, because you are probably wrong.

He's in touch with his feminine side

While shopping, Matt not only found some cute pants for me, but found the right size and a pair that was on sale. I was very happy, because a lot of men aren't good shoppers and he was being a great sport. Then, something happened...
(a song starts playing)
Matt: Ooohh!! It's Madonna! (starts bobbing his head) Borderline! Wait a second, it's "Open Your Heart." I know! It's the Glee cast singing Madonna! It's a remix!
Me: I think you mean "mash-up."
Matt: Yeah, it's a mash-up!

Do I need to take him to some sort of sporting event?

Writer's block!

I've been trying to plan my next speech all week, with no success. Topics that are apparently off-limits at Toastmasters include making fun of the following: eating disorders, abortions, domestic violence, substance abuse.

What am I going to talk about??!?!?

Toastmistress

Back in February I joined Toastmasters, an international club that helps people become better public speakers. Today, I finally did my first speech, the "Ice Breakers" speech. The only purpose of the Ice Breakers speech is to introduce yourself and begin speaking in front of an audience. I thought I was going to kill it, but there were a few awkward moments when no one laughed at my jokes. Overall, I give myself a B. Here's my speech:

Fellow Toastmasters and Distinguished guests,

My name is Brianna, and I am a nerd. I was destined to be a nerd because I was born on one of the nerdiest possible days, March 14, 1984. It is the day that would have been the Albert Einstein’s 105th birthday, which is also known as “Pi day” to math geeks everywhere, because the date is 3.14. And though there are many nerdy things about me, perhaps the most distinctive is the fact that I am a word nerd.

My love of words goes back to when I started my first journal at the age of five. From that age it was clear that I was a phonetic genius, writing about my “rood mom” --rude spelled R-O-O-D-- and my dog Daisy--spelled D-A-Z-Y.

Or perhaps my parents are to credit for my word-nerdiness. In our household we had a list of forbidden words: kill, die, and hate. When fighting with my brother I wasn’t allowed to say “I want to kill you,” or “I hate you.” But, “you’re a dingleberry/wildebeest/hemorrhoid/vomit face“ was perfectly acceptable. By putting limitations on my vocabulary, my parents forced us to be more creative with our insults.

And these insults often found their way into the pages of my journal. When I was five I wrote about my cute puppy and adorable baby sister, but when I was 13, I wrote about my stinky old dog that needed walked and bathed, and my stupid, annoying, bratty little sister.

By the time I got to high school, my little sister was no longer stupid and annoying—those terms were reserved for my parents. It’s a story you’ve all heard before; like the typical teen, I wanted a later curfew, fewer chores, and I didn’t want to drive my younger siblings to school. But I wasn’t a typical teen. What my journal didn’t say was that I started a reading club in the school’s library, was the captain of the Math Bowl team, and attended a writing workshop with middle-aged hippie women in the desert. Needless to say, my phone wasn’t ringing off the hook with invitations to the prom. But, the pages in my journal were filling up.

It was only natural that when I went to college I would pick a major related to writing. I majored in English at Westminster College, but at that point in my life I didn’t have a lot of time for writing in a journal—I had bigger priorities in life, like learning how to take tequila shots and attempting to get into frat parties at the U. But, I did submit a short story to a literature conference in a desperate attempt to meet the keynote speaker, Kurt Vonnegut Jr. So, I created a story inspired by one of my friends' childhood stories. It was about a little girl who got the flu and stuffed toilet paper up her nose to keep it from running. In my story, when the girl bent down to sniff a scented candle, the toilet paper caught on fire and burned off her nose and she had to get a prosthetic nose. I thought it was a fine display of black humor, and it even got a few laughs. And when I say “a few,” I mean one or two laughs. Regardless, Kurt Vonnegut ended up canceling, but I did get to meet Norman Mailer. For those of you who don’t know, they’re both dead now.

But my writing career did not end there. While I was in college I worked for the Salt Lake Tribune as a newsroom assistant, a job title also known as “secretary,” “office slave” or “resident scapegoat.” One day the newspaper was short on freelance writers, so I volunteered for the job and wrote a story about grills. No, I’m not referring to the charcoal or gas-powered cooking appliances; I’m talking about diamond encrusted mouthpieces worn by rap musicians. I know you’re probably thinking there is no possible way my journalism career could have gotten any better. But you’re wrong.

The high point in my career was when I got my first front page story, what we in the newspaper business call “steak-sauce” because it’s on page A1. My story was about a local woman who found a rat head in a can of green beans. But that’s not even the best part. When I finally scored an interview with the representative from the green bean company, he claimed the rat head would be safe to eat because it was cooked in the can and rendered commercially sterile. The company was Allen Canning, in case you’re wondering which green beans to avoid.
Soon, I found out what all newspaper employees eventually learn—it’s impossible to live off of minimum wage. So, I jumped ship and found my true calling in life—librarianship. In 2008 in the span of two months, I quit my job, got married, and moved across the country to South Carolina to attend graduate school to get my Masters in Library and Information Science. It was the perfect career choice for me, because I love books, cardigan sweaters, and telling people to shut up. One year later, my husband Matt got laid off from his job in Carolina. His former company in Utah offered him his old job back, so we returned to Utah in a move Matt equated to being held back a grade.

I found work with an IT research company. Even though I don’t get to read books to kids or shush noisy people, I get to help our clients find the information they need, so I enjoy my job. I finished grad school three weeks ago, and my goal for the next few months is to read, knit, and be as lazy as possible. And of course, learn to be a better speaker through Toastmasters. Thank you.

For my second speech, I need to focus on organization. I'll need to make an introduction, main points, then a conclusion. I was thinking about this as a topic:

How to lose friends and alienate your fellow Toastmasters (and distinguished guests)

Step 1: Mention tequila shots in your first speech.

Step 2: Do not laugh or smile at speeches that start with "At Fireside last week" or "When I was on my mission."

Step 3: Walk away quickly after speaking, leaving the podium unattended as much as possible.

In case you didn't figure it out, I made all three of those faux pas at Toastmasters in the past two weeks.

Racial stereotyping at its worst

Matt and I recently made a trip to the downtown library, my favorite branch. While there, we saw a shocking display of books geared towards helping the formerly incarcerated get jobs. What's wrong with this picture?




All of the books had black guys in the forefront! Are they trying to tell us that only black people go to jail?

A post about vegetables and math

Has it really been a month and a half since I last posted? I haven't had anything good to blog about lately, so I will bore you all with a post about my latest fascination: romanesco broccoli.

I saw this creepy-yet-beautiful veggie in my co-worker's seed catalog, and was drawn to it. Laura Anderson from the New York Times food blog describes it best as "the lovechild of cauliflower and broccoli with some alien DNA thrown in." I didn't really care about its taste; I'm far too nerdy for that. Instead, I immediately wondered if its spiral design followed the Fibonacci sequence.



For those of you who aren't huge nerds, the Fibonacci sequence is a pattern of numbers that is often found in nature. Matt says that is because it is the most efficient sequence. It's found in pinecones, sunflowers, artichokes, and the beach in Half Moon Bay, California. If you want to geek out, you can read about it on Wikipedia. The broccoli is also an example of a fractal, because all those little knobby things are exact replicas of the big knobby things. I am sure there are more technical ways to describe it, but I'm not a mathematician--that's Matt's role in this relationship.



Foodies say that romanesco broccoli has a soft and slightly nutty flavor. Would you try it?

Things that annoy me: sign language

I don't have anything against deaf people, but I do have something against non-deaf people who feel the need to perform inspirational songs in sign language. It's really annoying, you guys. No one gives a shit if you know the signs to "The Greatest Love of All" or "Wind Beneath My Wings." What do they expect to happen?

Wow, I was a crack-addicted deaf teenaged gutter-slut, but someone told me in sign language that "children are the future" and I was inspired to turn my life around.

Non-deaf people signing is only acceptable in Drop Dead Gorgeous, one of the funniest movies of all time.


I'd like to see someone do a sign language version of "Straight Outta Compton." The only sign language I know are gang signs and the middle finger, and I think both would fit in nicely with that song.

Hair today, gone tomorrow.

Over the span of about 15 months, my sister and I seemed to have switched hairdos.

October 2008:

January 2010:


Fortunately for her, she looks better with both hairdos. Bitch.

Jersey Shore

By now, you've all probably heard about the ridiculous show, Jersey Shore. But you don't know ridiculous until you've heard Matt give a synopsis of it.

Matt: Tookie got punched!

Me: Tookie? The former leader of the Crips who got the death penalty?

Matt: No, the girl on the Jersey Shore.

Me: I think you mean "Snookie."

Matt: Whatever. Anyway, then J-Kwon was dancing with Pauly the DJ who "beat the beat down."

Me: J-Kwon? Like "everybody in the club get tipsy" J-Kwon? The rapper?

Matt: No, the other girl on Jersey Shore.

Tookie and Snookie: