I'm a vegetable!

Last night Christine, Anita and I went to the opening day of Michael Jackson's This is it. Little MJ came too:



I loved the movie, and resisted the urge to sing along. I recommend it for: MJ fans, people who like dance, musicians, nerds, jocks, young people, old people, EVERYONE!

Real-life gaydar?

A new iPhone app, Grindr, allows gay dudes to find each other. It's basically a mobile social networking site that uses GPS to tell you if there's a gay/bi guy in your vicinity. You can then see photos and stats of the dudes in your area, as well as a map of where they are. Sounds creepy and stalkerish, right?


Well, this may have come in handy for some individuals (like myself) who have horrible gaydar. I think this application should be marketed to single hetero females, so they can tell which guys in their area are gay, and avoid dating them.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not a gay-hater. I love the gays so much I might as well be Lady Ga Ga. However, your self esteem tends to drop a few points when you find out that two of your ex-boyfriends made out with each other.

I like to tell myself that I was such a good girlfriend that I made them feel comfortable enough to be their true selves, but in reality my masculine traits were probably just the catalyst for them coming out of the closet. I guess I made the chick-to-dude transition pretty easy.


But I'm getting off topic. Moral of the story, ladies need this iPhone app.

You can buy my love and it's on sale for a limited time only

For those of you with disposable incomes, Armani Exchange is having a nice online sale and I'm interested in these items:

P.S. I wear a size medium.

Rocky Mountain Power is ruining my life

I just had the most frustrating phone conversation of my life. The power went out at 8:50, and I had a homework assignment due at 10 p.m. The power didn't come back on until 9:45.

Luckily, Matt is in South Carolina and offered to do it for me, so I had to explain to him over the phone how to log on to the school's intranet, then listen to him read the message board postings (complete with his own smart ass remarks), then dictate my response to him.

And of course he had to make jokes the whole time. "I decided to spell her name Lissa instead of Lisa, is that okay?" and "Oops, I accidentally submitted that," and "I typed your password wrong too many times and now I'm locked out." All of those jokes followed by "you'd better be joking" from me, then "yes, hahahah" from Matt.

But, I am very grateful that my husband was willing to stay up late to help me out. I've missed him a lot the past couple days and I'm excited he's coming home tomorrow.

funny moment of the day

Caitlin's instant message to me while listening to a crazy person on the phone at work:

"h1n1...democracy...CDC...scandal.
SHUT UP"

Weekend as a bachelorette: Matt will never leave me home alone again

Matt left yesterday morning to go to South Carolina and left me home alone. I'll admit, I was sort of stressed out about being home alone for four days, but I think I'm coping pretty well.

Yesterday I ate leftover Pei Wei take-out and coffee for breakfast, stayed in my pajamas until noon doing laundry and cleaning house, then met up with a friend.

I've said it once, and I'll say it again, sometimes friendships are just like dating. I was really nervous to ask my friend Maggie to go to a movie yesterday, but she accepted and proposed that we go to dinner beforehand. Luckily Maggie's really fun to be around, and conversation is really natural with her; she makes it easy to be her friend. We had dinner at a new restaurant downtown (can't remember its name, but it had great soul food), got gelato, then saw "The Hangover" at the dollar theater.

Today I went to Five Guys with Sister Christian (my new nickname for Caitlin and Christian), then we went shopping. I was supposed to be looking for a birthday gift for Katie and a baby gift for my friend Jackson's new daughter. Instead, I bought some designer luggage,

a new purse,

and a dress (not pictured). But, I did put back three (yes, 3) shirts at Forever 21, a pair of skinny jeans at Macy's, and a pair of Juicy jeans at Nordstrom Rack (Caitlin said heart-shaped pockets looked stupid). It's all about will power, guys.

I ended up finding a gift for Katie and the last store we went to, but still haven't found a baby gift.

And I'm mad at Christian for betting against the Panthers. I blame him for our loss.

Monster feet

These shoes seriously creep me out:

Taking it too far

Yesterday, I received this voicemail at work:
"Hi, I need some research as soon as possible. Please call me back when you get this."
Our phone system doesn't show caller ID for missed calls, so I frantically tried to figure out which of my clients needed research. I didn't know the guy's name, phone number, or even what research he needed. A co-worker suggested that I ask IT, and maybe they could at least get the phone number. I emailed the help desk, but they weren't able to help me.

Just when I had finally given up on finding the dude, I get this email from Matt:

Did you get my message requesting the report?

I didn't recognize my own husband's voice! I felt like an idiot.

While I appreciate his sense of humor, Matt has a tendency to take jokes too far. Christine and I used to say that Matt was playing his own game of "taking it too far" with all jokes and comments. A group can be laughing and joking around, and he'll make a highly inappropriate comment that will silence the group.

No topic is off limits, either. I remember watching the African Children's Choir sing on American Idol, and Matt made a reference to Hotel Rwanda (which we had just seen), asking if the children were Tutsi or Hutu. I'm sure the joke went a few steps beyond the line of appropriateness, but I seem to have blocked out that memory.

Another instance of "taking it too far" occurred last week. I had a headache one night last week, so I decided to take a long, hot bath. While I was relaxing in the tub, Matt knocked on the bathroom door.
"You cleaned out the bathtub before you got in, right?" he asked.
Of course I hadn't. "No. Why?"
"Oh, I started peeing in the shower. I thought you knew that," he said with a straight face.
I said something along the lines of "Are you fucking kidding me!?!!?!?/I'm going to vomit/That's the most disgusting thing I've ever heard!!" and jumped out. He waited until I started to drain the tub before he told me he was joking.

He claimed his joke was inspired by a Seinfeld episode where George pees in the shower at the gym, but for some reason I fail to have a sense of humor when I'm standing in the bathroom sopping wet with a pounding headache, fearful that I had been soaking in a tub of pee-water.

"Do the medical journals say anything about standing in a pool of someone else's urine?"
- Jerry Seinfeld (talking to George)

Homemade flying saucers!

Things that should be kept out of children's reach.

a playlist I made

For your listening enjoyment.

(I didn't want to embed it, so click the above link.)

Three ladies I love

Tina Fey recently told David Letterman that she was a virgin in her 20's, accrediting it to "just good, Christian values ... or, being homely." Man, I love that lady! I can relate, though in my case it was more the latter than the former. Hahah.

I also think Tina Fey is cool because she looks like my mom. I'd do a side-by-side but I think my mom would get pissed if I put a photo of her on my blog.

Becki Newton, the actress who plays my favorite Ugly Betty character (Amanda), wrote an article for Self about trying new things. Here's the best part of her article:

I distinctly remember a day in third grade when my teacher, Mrs. Otte, said to me, "Becki, I think one day you are going to be a writer." I had composed a very sophisticated and nuanced poem about my cat, Toby, and how he liked tuna, yarn and long naps in the sun.

I think Becki and I should be real-life BFFs.

Filippa Hamilton is speaking out about getting fired by Ralph Lauren for being "too fat" to fit into the sample clothes. She's 5'10" and weighs 120 freaking pounds! Hellloooo, she's a total lard-ass! (I'm obviously kidding.) The article calls for women to complain and vote with their pocketbooks.

I wouldn't buy stuff from his current line anyway. Everyone knows the equestrian theme is sort of Ralph's thing, but it's FUGLY. I guess "Ralph" is synonymous with "vomit" for a reason. Case in point:

Question of the day

Should I cut my hair short again, or let it grow out?

Option A: fun short 'do



Option B: grow it out to its former length (that was almost exactly one year ago)

Duets and the N-word

As many of you know (if there's anyone reading this is in the first place), Matt and I recorded a duets album last Christmas. I'd like to say we were drunk, but we didn't start drinking until after we recorded three songs.

It was brought to my attention that I said the n-word in one of the songs, "Doin' It" (originally recorded by LL Cool J). I cited "artistic license," but felt bad about it, especially since Snoop once came to me in a dream and told me not to say it.

Here's an excerpt from a blog I wrote April 24, 2005:

Snoop Dogg came to me in a dream a couple of months ago, and this is what he said:

Snoop: Brianna, you have to stop saying "Nizzle."

Brianna: But why?

Snoop: Because it means "nigga," and you can't say that because you are a white girl.

Brianna: Oh. Well, what CAN I say?

Snoop: You can say, "bizzle" and "sizzle." They mean "brother" and "sister."

The words came from The Dogfather himself, so I'd better start heeding his advice.

How to die in seven easy steps

Step one: Borrow your 13-year-old cousin's motorized mini-bike.
Step two: Practice riding for about 10 yards or 30 seconds, whichever comes first.
Step three: Inform your cousin that you are now an expert rider.
Step four: Ask your cousin how to turn the bike up to high speed (20-30 miles per hour).
Step five: Refuse to wear a helmet.
Step six: Ride up and down the street screaming "look at me!" so your best friend* will come out and see you riding the bike.
Step seven: When your mom comes outside to yell at you, yell "chicken race" and race towards her at full speed.

*My BFF's aunt lives across the street from my two aunts, and we happened to be visiting our aunts at the same time.

Peeved 2.0

If you want to do something that makes my ears bleed, add some redundant words after your acronyms. Whenever I hear someone say "ATM machine," "PIN number," or "SAT test," I want to scream. Or punch a baby.

You wouldn't say "automated teller machine machine," "personal identification number number" or "standard achievement test test," would you?

Same goes for "LCD display" and "HTML language."

...and for the librarians out there, stop saying "ISBN number."

Babies love me, I swear.

I uploaded the pictures from Adi's third birthday, and I found this hilarious pic of Matt and I holding our nieces:


They look like they hate us! Kirin (left) was so good and happy that day, but was getting cranky near the end of the party. As for Adi, I think she was just coppin' a 'tude for that picture, showing her true top-model skills, because she was so excited and happy all day.

I know all uncles and aunts claim their nieces/nephews are the cutest and best in the world, but mine really are, for these reasons:
1. When I was sitting next to Adi in the car, she punched me and yelled "slug bug!" Sure enough, there was a VW Beetle next to us.
2. When Adisyn gets in trouble, gets hurt, or starts crying, Kirin laughs and smiles. Sibling rivalry at its best.
3. Adi once said, "When I get big, I can say 'fuckin' A.'"

Plus, Adi always wants to sit by me, which makes me feel cool and popular. Some day I will post a picture that proves that they actually like us.

Brianna's Fall Fashion 2009

Fall finally arrived this past week. Fall is my favorite season for two reasons: cold-weather fashion and Halloween (which is fashion related because you get to dress up). Because the temperature has been dropping over the past few days, I've started to dig out all of my hats, scarves, and coats.

So, here are my fall fashion must-haves:

1. Wrist warmers

I knit these wrist warmers this week. Don't act like you're not impressed, because I know you are. Wrist warmers are the best for fall weather, because they keep your wrists toasty, and unlike mittens and gloves, you still have great manual dexterity. They're also great for chilly offices, like mine, and you look like a bad-ass biker. If you're wondering why my fingernails look so fabulous (and you probably are), it's because I gave myself a french manicure. As if you needed any more evidence of my artistic ability, try it yourself. It's very hard to paint a thin white strip on your nails left-handed.

2. Military jacket

I bought this exact jacket about a week ago, and I've already worn it twice. Military jackets are awesome because they have the formal buttons and lines, but the feminine shaping give them some soft curves. Plus, this coat has a mandarin collar so it looks great with scarves. My jacket is 100% cotton aka machine washable, which is perfect for clumsy fools like me who are likely to spill food items.

3. Suede boots

I've already posted once about these boots, but I love them. I also have some brown suede boots with a tiny wedge heel that I wear a lot in the fall and winter. But, if you get suede boots and live in a snowy city like SLC, make sure you waterproof them. I got some spray-on waterproofing crap (yes, that's the technical name for it) at The Walking Company.

4. Cardigans

I don't own this cardigan, but I wish I did. Does anyone want to give me $300? It's no secret that I wear cardigans year-round, but when fall comes around, I start to see lots of cardigans in stores, like this one (below), that I just got. It's the coolest, granniest cardigan I own because it incorporates three granny elements: flowers, lace, and gold buttons.

My fall shopping is probably done (Matt, you can now breathe a sigh of relief), but I'm taking the wool coats in to get dry cleaned today, a sure-sign that it will probably snow, since that always seems to happen when I'm coat-less.

Bad Diary Days

Today is one of those days when I should have immediately crawled back into bed after getting up. I'm actually lucky that I woke up in the first place, considering my alarm did not go off. I use my cellphone as my alarm, and I woke up at 7:10 (the alarm was set for 7 a.m.) to find that my cellphone's screen had mysteriously frozen in the middle of the night, rendering it useless. Thanks, Verizon.

But, no big deal, right? I woke up on my own, so I was set for the day...so I thought. It turns out my hairdryer tried to kill me died. I've had several warning signs that it was on its way out, but apparently I am dumb enough to keep using the hairdryer after it a)blew the circuit in my bathroom multiple times, and b)threw a spark onto the bathroom rug (luckily not in my hair). I guess it's a good rule of thumb to not point appliances at your head if they are emitting flames and/or sparks.

So, I had to let my hair air-dry, and by the time it was somewhat dry I didn't have time to fix it, and it's too short to go into a ponytail. The result is what I like to refer to as the "shaggy teen boy 'do." I freaking look like Zac Effron.

Actually, I wish I looked like Zac Effron. He has better hair and is way prettier.

I really look more like this:

Still, not a big deal. I'm married so I'm allowed to neglect my appearance, right? That's the great thing about being married; you can look like complete shit and still have someone hot to sleep with.

Here's where it starts to become a big effing deal. I decided to mix it up a bit by spilling hot coffee on my lap. Nothing says "good morning" like a scalding beverage on your genitals. Fortunately I didn't get much coffee on my shirt, and was able to change pants and make it work work only 5 minutes late. But I have no coffee. Should I break my Coke-fast and get a nice cold one from the vending machine? I haven't had a Coke since Sunday, and I think it would really help turn around this shitty excuse for a day.

**update**

I tried to get a Coke from the machine, and it ate my fucking money, and I have no other cash to feed it. I guess it wasn't meant to be. And I'm pretty sure my Mormon boss heard me call it a "piece of shit vending machine."